I've been working on a choose-your-own-adventure game, and I'd like some feedback if anyone has the time to give some.

I posted about this a really long time ago here, like 10 months ago. Back then some friends had helped me with some content, since I was too busy actually doing the programming the write much, andddd it just wasn't good. So I stripped all that out and wrote the rest myself.

http://www.playlewd.com and click "play" to see, and start reading.

There's parts I'm particular proud of, when I really enjoyed writing. Then there's other parts that are rather dry and mundane, because I was just making myself write. I don't really have a good work ethic with writing, I guess.

If anything is particularly convoluted, boring, or doesn't read/flow well, let me know if you would.

I know some parts are particularly short, but that's often on purpose. Not everyone wants to read something that's really long, so I avoid needlessly describing too much at times where the story needs to move along.

edit: Er, I made that title too short. I should have put that it's a game in there. Ah well~

Despite the things he did to irritate her, Lizzie's attraction for John was growing. At the moment, however, she was just simply pissed off. They came to the store for one thing, and here he was, running around, adding all kinds of junk food to the cart.

Half the time she considered him the worst roommate ever, and the other half of the time he'd bring her fresh baked goods and make the apartment smell of fresh chocolate chip cookies and innocence, or do her all manner of favors. They'd grown quite close, despite his impulsiveness. Lizzie even let her guard down and told him her most embarrassing fantasies.

Little did she know, John had chosen approximately 3 minutes from then to bring one of her fantasies to life.

They had navigated to the back of the store to get the only item they came for initially: milk. John surveyed her blouse to make sure his plan would work. Lizzie was wearing a plain grey tshirt, and a pair of tight, gift from god blue jeans. Everything should go off without a hitch, he thought to himself.

"Lizzie-" said James, in an urgent tone. Read more »

So, I have a story that is ongoing but in chapter form and I want to post it for you lovely peoples to critique; as those on the forum I have posted it don't seem to want to comment, let alone look.

I've had a look at a few websites, but I though I'd as what sites people prefer to use/browse especially for multi-chapter stories (I'm up to the ninth chapter at present). I am far from finished with the full story, but getting some c&c is starting to be necessary to the outcome and style. If anything it's probably a little late, but better late than never.

Oh, for those interested; the story has a paranormal bent, the protagonist Jayce develops the ability to project himself into other people's minds after being shot in the head. He then explores the possibilities afforded him with friends, workmates, even his somewhat sadistic boss with trouble following close behind.

I’d hold you tightly against my chest. I’d grab your face, half of my hand on your cheek and the other half on your neck. I’d pull you in gently but strongly towards my lips. I’d kiss you. Forever I’d kiss you. I’d kiss your neck and cheek. I’d pull you up and have you wrap your legs around my waist. I’d start letting my hands wander. Nothing vulgar, everything on top of your clothing. I’d continue to kiss you as I slip my fingers through the hairs on your head. My arm would be under your voluptuous rear as I carry you in midair with your legs still squeezing my waist.

As the sun continues its path downward and the day turns into a cool night, I’d throw you onto the bed. You’d playfully smile at me as the moonlight reflects your eyes, and I’d take off my shirt. I’d remove your top first, leaving your bra on for the time being. As I climb on top of you, kissing your face, lips, neck, shoulders and chest you’d start to slip off your pants. This would get both of our hearts racing and we’d stop for a small second, laughing in disbelief of what’s about to happen. Read more »

Suddenly, she became aware of an aching sensation through her body. She felt her love mound throbbing gently and became aware of a slightly cool feeling between her legs. She felt an overwhelming wave of pleasure in her nipples as she realised someone was sucking on them! Her skirt had been pushed up to the top of her thighs, exposing her silky stockings and suspenders. Someone was pushing thick fingers inside her. They were pushing them into her slowly but so deeply and she felt her love tunnel tightening and dripping wet through. He realised she was awake and covered her mouth with his other hand. But this only served to silence her moans.

Matthias liked having Naomi over. It only happened around once a month – they both lived busy lives – but it was always worthwhile.

He wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but there was something special about her. Naomi was reasonably short, black, with beautiful eyes and a slim, toned body. She didn’t have much of an ass to speak of, but she has gorgeous B-cup boobs with perky nipples and soft skin. He had never asked how old she was (or if Naomi was even her real name) but he imagined she was around 22.

One of the reasons Matthias liked Naomi was she absolutely rocked his world in bed. She knew all the tricks and her pussy was tight and wet.

But there was another reason he liked having her over, and why she was the only girl he let stay overnight.

It was a Sunday, around 8 in the morning, and Matthias was in no rush to wake up. In fact, when he first stirred, he was tempted to close his eyes and head back to sleep. But he then realised why he had awoken. Read more »