Sex. On my brain, all the time. I hate it, the frustration, the need to touch, to feel, to be felt, to cum, to scream, to just get completely fucking lost in those moments with someone. It’s been a curse since a young age. Since the first romantic novel that filled my head with lushy, sensual men, just waiting around every corner to sweep me off my, oh so horny, feet. It’s the little things, the glances in the hall way, the locking eyes across the room, the secret kiss behind closed doors that would cause so much turmoil if found out. It’s the hot passion, the hair pulling, the biting, the choking, the seduction, the domination. Everything about it just hypnotizes me, seduces me, takes me places beyond complete and utter fulfillment. It’s a curse that drives me to heartbreak. Thou heart doth lie in the Vagina. It drives me to feel that I cared, or loved him, but maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. But it’s a craving so intense, that merely touching myself brings no suffice to my ache, to my hunger. It didn’t use to be this way… my Rabbit used to manage. Until my knight in shining armor walked in, and took away all my sanity, on that one. single. night. Once upon a time… I met a guy named Patrick. Drinks. That’s all it was supposed to be. Just drinks. Two casual new friends, having a drink. But he knew what the fuck he was doing. All in his getup… the way I had never seen him before, dark clothes, boots, that stupid sexy baseball cap, like wow… without that uniform, I just melted like butter. Picked me up, like a gentleman, held my door, like a boss. Ordered my drinks, like a man in control… he knows exactly what he is doing. The conversation was light, flirty, then got a bit heavier. He proceeded to tell me the types of things he is into. The weird “kinky” shit, thats far beyond any kind of kinky I had ever heard of, but man was I intrigued. But again, we were just their as friends… so I behaved like a little polite, naive little girl. An hour later it was time for the most boring movie EVER. Lincoln. As we walked to the theater he immediately grabbed my hand… such a boss. Not even a flinch, not even the slightest signal of nervousness. Just full on went for it. “Umm… is this a date?” “This is definitely a date.” He says… Such a smooth guy. We sit down, chit chat a bit during previews. Laughing to ourselves. I felt very comfortable. He was so honest. So real. So… genuine. He told me had butterflies crazy bad, that he was sooo nervous about tonight, yet he didn’t show a single sign of it. He told me he knew we would be great friends when he first met me, he just, had a feeling, a spark. Indeed. The feeling was mutual. Then something happened… Something I didn’t expect. This one moment, and I was gone. This one act, and my heart was no longer mine. He got quiet. Just looked at me. His eyes said everything. And my heart stopped beating. “I should have done this a long time ago” I was forcefully pulled into his grasp. His hands went to my neck, his mouth went to mine, for the most mind-fuck-blowing kiss of my god damn mind. It was like our lips were made for each other. They fit perfect, just fucking perfect. And his grasp on me, firm, demanding, desperate, hungry, loving, passionate, everything. Every fucking feeling I have ever felt, was in that moment. Lincoln was going to have to wait. His lips were perfect, his tongue was perfect, his hands, the way they touched me… just damn right perfect. Lincoln was a long movie. Thank GOD for that. Our hands grasped the entire time. So, so many kisses in between. And touches. And smiles, and blushes. And whispers. Those sexy, seductive, whispers. And then one whisper just killed me inside. “Tonight, you are mine.” Sold! Just throw me up on your white stallion and we will head off into the sunset. The movie was over, we headed out across the mall, hand in hand. It was just perfection. It felt so right. Everything just felt, surreal. Never once in my life had someone made me feel this way, not in a week, not in a month, or a year, and this one man, made me feel this way, in one hour. I felt like I had met my best friend, my boyfriend, my lover, my husband and the father of my future children on this night… and it wasn’t even over yet. We got to the car, and I half expected him to just open it for me, but instead I was crushed against it. Completely helpless to stop him as he made me forget to breath for a second time. The way his hands went to my neck, through my hair, as he kissed me deep, ran his lips down my neck, his hands roaming, touching everywhere. I didn’t know what to do. I was lost in myself, sucked into a void of complete sexual, feverous, cluelessness. All I could do was grasp onto his arms and hold myself upright before my feet went out from under me. The security guy drives by, and unexpectedly cheers for us like we just scored a touch down… classy. The car ride was magical. We laughed, he told me about his life. Such personal, intimate things about his life, and I opened up as well, shared my entire life story, just let it all fall off, as if we had known each other for years. It felt so right. Like I was meant to meet him. I had never met a man so in touch with himself, with his desires and emotions. Just laid them out on the floor for the world to see, and I loved that. We got to his house. It was so late, and I had work the next day, yet I gave zero fucks. I was two steps into his door before he dominated me. Crushed me beneath his body with his mouth and his hands, so forceful, and aggressive, and animalistic. I was nervous, and scared but so excited and hot. I was already soaked before we had even got into his car… He took of my shirt, and kissed down my neck, over my breasts, and bit me. Holy hell, he bit me, and it was shocking, and weird and wonderful. He grabbed onto my hair and forced my head back, while he sucked on my neck. Gentle was not in his physical capabilities. This was so new to me, so mysterious, so unknown that I couldn’t stop! It felt so right and so controlled and I felt so helpless and dazed and any sense of preservation had left hours ago. “Get on your knees on my bed.” It wasn’t a question. It didn’t have to be. I did what I was told. And I liked it. I wanted him to tell me what to do next. In that moment I knew, I was a submissive. He came up behind me and my head was again roughly pulled back, his fist twined in my hair, His hand wrapped tightly around my neck as he squeezed, and pull me to him in a hungry kiss. He pulled down my jeans and ran his hands along my thighs to my ass, slowly, gently…. SLAP Sold, for a second time to number 23. Everything seemed blurred, slowed down, hazy after that. My mind was drunk on sexuality. My hands couldn’t control themselves, I had to touch him, I had t see him, to taste him. I wanted him in my mouth, to please him, to control me. He took his pants off. Sweet baby Jesus. I wasn’t sure if this night was going to be able to progress. Giving him head… did no longer seem like an option, and I wasn’t sure how well I would do in any other…place. He did not seem even a little concerned. “You have no control over what happens tonight, you are mine.” Yes. I. Am. I was forced onto the bed, turned upright, bare ass naked as he just ate me with his eyes… and then he ate me with his mouth. I think I must have forgotten how to speak, because the only sounds I could manage out were screams of intense, unbelievable pleasure. Never had a man succeeded in this aspect, of giving me enjoyable oral sex. This man… made it a work of art. Of complete exquisite art. My first oral climax, ever. Then the very questionable, “is this going to work” moment was upon me… He was laid on his back as I straddled him. Upright on my knees prepared to very carefully and slowly take in this man’s giant blessing from the Cosmos. It was difficult at first, a slow process. But at the first upward stoke my body tensed and shuddered as I climaxed instantly. I was convinced he had the “magic stick.” Once twice, three, four times I came over and over again as I rode him, his hands on my hips, in my hair, pulling me down to a passionate kiss every so often. Holding onto my neck, choking me lightly, reminding me that he was in control. It was like I had found the treasure chest at the end of the rainbow, the holy grail, the fountain of youth, pandora’s box, all from this man’s penis. And we weren’t even at 100% penetration. It seemed impossible at his size. He turned me over on my hands and knees. But went much slower. Much more gentler, and his face got still. I could tell that things were about to get serious. “Tell me if you need me to stop…” Nope. What happened next, to this day, will be the one moment I will never forget. It has been tattooed on my heart and my soul, a cancer within me that I will always remember to this day and the next. He thrust into me, full force, 100%, oh my gosh, I felt like I was dying in such a wonderful way. It hurt, but in such a good, powerful, addictive way. Like scratching an itch that only itched more the more that you scratched it. God it hurt so good, with every thrust I was on the verge of telling him to stop, but the words wouldn’t escape me. I wanted to ride this out, to feel this, to experience this, amazing, terrifying feeling that was building up inside me. He held me so hard to him, like he owned me, I was his. He was mine. Every thrust I fell deeper into the void. A feeling stirred within me. The pit of my abdomen tightened. I didn’t know whether it hurt or if it felt good but I didn’t want it to stop. I didn’t know what was happening, something was washing over me, and the sound of his breathing and his voice calling my name just sent me to another place in time. My whole body was on fire, my stomach in knots, quenching harder and harder until something released inside me. I felt like the entire weight of the world just shot out of me, poured out of me, and I screamed again and again for what seemed like forever. The feeling was so intense, so mind numbing, and got more intense with every thrust, I thought I was losing myself, maybe this is what dying feels like. A single moment longer, the feeling spiked and I screamed and he climaxed with me, it was so beautiful and passionate and sexy and I collapsed onto the sheets, completely gone from the world. I had had my first, and only true, internal orgasm. He pulled me close to him afterward, wrapped his arms around me, nuzzled me and kissed me and ran his fingers through my hair. He smiled at me, and laughed his goofy, glorious laugh. I wanted to cry. My eyes welled with tears. I fell in love with him at that moment. And I have loved him for every second of every minute since that night. He was my best friend. He was the reason I wanted to wake up every morning, just to see his face. I didn’t ever know what love truly was, until I met him. We shared secrets, and stories, we supported each other, loved each other. I was on his side, and he was always on mine. He just got me, the way no one else did, and I got him. We fought, we said hurtful things, but we always came back to each other, always found ourselves in a loving embrace full of i’m sorry’s and I love you’s. Such a short lived, dysfunctional, beautiful friendship we had. We shared so many good memories in only a handful of months… But our lives paths ran in different directions. His heart would never belong to me. I loved him, so I had to let him go. And there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. Every day I fear that I will never find another one like him. Never experience that complete and utter physical and emotional satisfaction that I felt when I was with him. I will never forget Narnia.