I don't normally do this, being so specific about a singular person. I just had a session with someone I genuinely care about and respect. And at this point there isn't much more for me to learn about her. I know all the secrets, where all the bodies are buried, if you will.
When we first started she thought there were pieces of her I couldn't handle. "Forget it, it's not important," rings in my ear. No Dom should ever allow this kind of speak. "Excuse me? Who the fuck do you think you are telling me what's important and what's not?" Here is the rule. If I wanted someone different from you I'd be with someone different. "But, daddy… my feelings make no sense and I don't want to upset you." And in that moment we come to the crux of the problem. Her whole life she's been lied to, told she makes no sense and her emotions were stupid. So when I say, be you and no one else, she is still that puppy cowering, expecting to get kicked.
The first time she cried it was more than she could handle, the mixture of old wounds, orgasms, guilt and shame, self loathing, violence, and if I had put one more ounce of pressure on her chest it would have caved in. "I don't want to feel this! I don't want this. This isn't what I want. I don't want these emotions. This is why I drink. I don't want to feel this. Make it stop make it go away."
This is the first pay off for me. Her vulnerability and tears make me hard. Her pleads of desperation and run-on thinking, chest heaving, I feel more connected to her than I could have predicted, like she was in a cancer ward, knowing she only had days to live, screaming about her regrets, looking for absolution knowing she wouldn't get it but just needing to be forgiven for the relief that comes from hearing someone forgives you. There is this sense that you may be about to die. I can't speak for God, but here on earth, right now you will not be judged by me.
"You are a fucking asshole for making me feel this. A sick fuck. Is this what gets you off?" And the answer is yes, but that's not the answer she needs. "I love that you are showing me you right now." And she doesn't believe me so lashes out, "You don't want me. No one fucking wants me! Who would want this. I can't stop crying and I am screaming at you. You should just forget me." And maybe I have no clue what I'm doing. Maybe I am just guessing and figuring things out as I go but I can't get mad at her. "You don't care about me. You don't care about anyone. You are a selfish bastard who just wants to use girls for you sick mind games. You are only doing this to me because you are alone and no one cares about you. How does that feel? Huh? How does that feel to know how fucked up you are?"
I can't help myself but I love her for this. She is showing me the parts she represses and she is honoring me by letting it out. I don't understand why someone would get mad at her for unloading this burden. "Aren't you going to hit me? Aren't you going to beat me? That's your thing isn't it? That's what you are into. You like to abuse vulnerable girls. So where is it? Slap me, punch me, rape me."
I could choose any one of those. But I wont. I am an emotional sadist and many think that means I get off inflicting emotional pain. But it doesn't. The pain has always been there. I am an emotional sadist and what gets me off is allowing you to feel the pain you never could.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/2v1e70/my_emotional_sadism