This story has been sitting as a draft for over a year, difficult to put into words how much I struggled to even know where to start with it. But here it is, my origin story.
After the birth of my second child I struggled a lot with my view of myself, I let myself go both physically and mentally. Sure I had a good life that looked perfect from the outside, loving husband, two wonderful kids, nice house, good job and great money. But behind it all I was numb, day turned into day as I went through life on autopilot. Soon months then years went by and I was left wondering was this it, was this to be my life just cruising along. I know now that it was depression but back then I just bottled it away in the back of my mind and put on a happy facade to get me through the mundane everyday.
Our sex life took a hit, going from 1-2 times weekly to maybe once every 2-3 months. It caused a rift between us, don’t get me wrong our marriage was still strong. But once it came to bedroom activities I pushed him away, I didn’t want anyone looking at or touching my body, stretched, saggy, flab and fat. My husband did his best to reassure me but in my eyes I was disgusting, again looking back now I know that it was only my brain filling me with insecurities.
Deep down I knew something was wrong but I never gave in always brushed it off when my husband tried to help, again this caused us to drift apart sexually. Eventually we stopped trying and the bedroom grew lifeless, save for birthdays or anniversaries etc. He turned to porn and I turned bitter, eventually he hide it from me and we even for a time stopped sleeping in the same bed. We turned into the classic nagging wife and sexually frustrated husband.
Eventually it took its toll so much on me that I ended up having a mini breakdown and wound up having to get professional help, put on pills and psychiatric therapy. This only put a bandaid over my problems, but it did improve my everyday life alas bedroom activities still remained low. Years of rejection on my part and my husband had stopped initiating entirely, I grew jealous that he desired porn over me. But it was mostly of my own doing and I couldn’t accept that at the time.
My therapist suggested that I should start to exercise, that it would be good for my mental health. After many failed attempts I signed up to a gym in a nearby town, I wanted to go where no one would recognise me. I was still ashamed of my body and this was the happy medium that my therapist came up with, out of my own town and a quiet gym to start off. This turned out to be catalyst to what would become ‘Lucy’, no radioactive spiders, no murdered parents or super solider juice. Just simply joining a small gym in another town, that’s where it all started.
I would train 2-3 times a week, my mood improved, out look on life was at an all time high. But still I couldn’t feel comfortable in the sex department, sure frequency improved but the wounds of before were still there. After a month of training at the gym I started to grow more confidence in myself something I hadn’t felt in years, made new friends and even got hit in by a couple of the younger guys which is always a compliment. One friend in particular is really what saved me and pulled my out of the rut I was in, she opened my eyes to feelings I had locked away for years.
I can still envision the first time I saw her, full of confidence as she worked out, teasing the boys as she strutted by with a flick of her long ginger ponytail. I was in awe of her and how she commended the room, all eyes on her and she knew. Oh to be that confident, oh to be that wanted, oh to be in her presence. I watched from afar at first, hoping every time I walked into the gym she would be there. One day when she was squatting weights, I decided now was my shot. I asked her if she could show me how to use the machines and weights probably, that I was to embarrassed to ask the guys that I only ever used the treadmill or spin bike.
From then on it was me and her gym buddies, she showed me the ropes. We took classes together and I started to shift some of the extra baby pounds I had been carrying around for years. This was how I befriended the amazingly beautiful redhead Siobhan, this was the rebirth that kicked started my life this was my sexual awakening.
It started off with small little things, a shared glance, a soft touch, watching her form as she worked out. I was smitten, the brake through came in therapy. My therapist could see it by the way I talked about her, we delved into my past and worked on feelings I had long pushed down and buried years ago. The crush I had on a school friend, the daydreams of kissing her, the nervousness of anyone finding out. All locked away due to being told ‘girls don’t like other girls like that’ by an overly religious school teacher, I being the good little catholic listened and suppressed all these feelings deep inside.
Sure I would find my mind wondering now and again but I ignored it and pushed through, but Siobhan exposed the cracks in my armour. It was like she knew I was hiding this secret and it was her goal to help free me from the self inflicted cage I had built for myself. We became extremely close, her flirting and casually hinting that more than just friendship was going on. She never pushed or made advances, even though I secretly wished she would. Was she even into me like that or just being overly friendly? Was I a lesbian? Was I bi? Was my whole marriage built on me being in denial about my sexuality? So many questions and no straightforward answers.
In a moment of weakness one evening after a spin class, I couldn’t help myself anymore, I had to know. I kissed Siobhan in the locker room, for a moment she kissed me back then broke away and quickly left. I was deflated, embarrassed but most of all I had my answer, as the song goes ‘I kissed a girl and I liked it’. Siobhan ghosted me for a couple of days, when the dust settled she admitted that she felt the same but didn’t want to come between my marriage and we agreed to not speak of it again.
Weeks go by and nothing is spoken about it, we go back to the way we were before. Me the moaning wife and her the younger partying beauty, I would tell her my woes and she would spill all the gossip about her wild nights out her with her on again off again boyfriend. It was around this time that I was beginning to fall back into a depression, stuck in a marriage I felt was sexually dead and the forbidden taboo of pastures anew. Siobhan could sense I wasn’t myself and after many conversations I finally poured my heart out to her in a tear filled one to one in my car. I told her all about my repressed sexuality, my mental health problems, my sexless marriage, how my husband would choose porn over me, how I felt about her it all came flowing out in an unstoppable wave of sobbing tears.
She just sat and listened, no judgment, no snide remarks, she just listened and at the end she hugged me and held me until the tears stopped. It was the kindest most loving thing I felt from anyone outside my family in years. I wanted to kiss her, feel her skin on my hands, hold her body next to mine but I managed to stop myself. After my breakdown Siobhan became my go to support, she would listen without judging and offer helpful advice.
This was when she made it her personal mission to kickstart my sex life, as she seen it all my problems came from miscommunication between my husband and I. She could sense the love was there but the spark, the flame needed rekindling, I was dismissive at first but over time she was able to convince me and I took her advice on board. I started flirting more at home, wearing nicer clothes, having my make up done, all in a effort to get my husband to look at me the way he did before. It had some success but Siobhan recommend I take control, now I had never been the dominant one in our love life so this was out of my comfort zone.
So one day I plucked up the courage and decided to surprise my husband who was off work and home alone, I would finish work on my lunch break and have an afternoon of surprise devilment that was long over due. That morning I dusted of my sexiest lingerie and off to work I went, I was so excited to get home and surprise him. But regular viewers might know what happened next, when I got home I walked in on him with his cock in hand and jerking to more porn. I saw red and snapped, I couldn’t believe that he would still choose porn over me. In hindsight I know now that of course he was going to jerk off when I wasn’t home, but in that moment I felt so betrayed all my fears answered anxiety lay in front of me.
After a long fight I didn’t know what to do I was lost, I left and rang Siobhan in tears. She was home so I went over to her, after the tears had settled I couldn’t help myself and I kissed her. She stopped me but I persisted and we made out passionately, all the emotions built up inside me, all my insecurities, all the suppressed feelings it all came rushing out in that embrace. I needed to feel, I needed to be felt, I needed to be touched and I just needed anything to breach the numbness inside me. Siobhan was the answer, I knew it was wrong but in that moment I wanted nothing more.
We ripped each other’s clothes off and do it right there on her sofa, I felt for the first time another woman. My hands exploring her body, sure I knew the anatomy but to hold another woman like that was mesmerising. My fingers penetrating her as she copied my movements on me, my toes curled with an overwhelming ecstasy like never before. Then she kissed down my body and slowly teased every nerve all the way down towards my vagina. Kissing and licking like no man has ever done before, her tongue reached places I never knew possible. After an amazing orgasm took hold I offered to return the favour, not really knowing what I was doing. Siobhan moaned and groaned throughout so I’d say she was pleased with my beginner efforts.
Once finished we just lay together cuddling on the sofa, still naked our bodies intertwined in embrace. The realisation of what I had just done suddenly took hold once I reached for my phone and seen all the missed calls and messages from my husband, the tears began to flow again as panic set in. I cheated, I was unfaithful, I was the worst wife in the world and I couldn’t keep it together anymore. After another lengthy sobbing session, Siobhan tried to comfort me as best she could but I wasn’t in the mood anymore. I needed to be alone, so I left and just drove around and around for the rest of the day.
Over the next week I couldn’t look my husband in the eye, he thought because I was still mad at him. But really I was mad at myself and I had so much regrets about what I’d done. I couldn’t talk to my husband about it and selfishly I guess I played up the fact that he was trying to makeup to me after our fight. The only person I could talk to was Siobhan, so I called her one night on the drive home. I didn’t want to see her in person because I knew I wouldn’t be able to control my desires, So a phone call was safer. We discussed what had happened, why it had happened and what we would do going forward.
During this lengthy discussion, Siobhan came to the realisation that I hadn’t been rejected by my husband for porn, but rather I had walked in on him while he thought he was alone. Something that hadn’t crossed my mind in the heat of the moment, this only made me feel more terrible than I already had been. In my delusional mind he had chosen porn over me in my sexy lingerie, I acted irrationally and cheated because I wasn’t thinking straight and felt betrayed for what was a misunderstanding on my own part. I knew I had to come clean to him but the fear of ruining everything we had kept me from telling him, Siobhan didn’t agree with me and suggested I tell him. Because she felt bad about being involved in this as well.
The next day I meet up with Siobhan she wasn’t her same flirty self and was a little distant at first, but soon she came around and we got chatting about what to do next. I agreed I would come clean to my husband in time, but first I had to fix our bedroom life. Extremely selfish and Siobhan didn’t agree but she offered me some ideas. She suggested that I try to see his internet history to see what porn he was watching, then to replicate that for him. So that’s exactly what I did, snuck a look at his ipad on morning before he got up and did some snooping. Femdom, dominatrix, JOI (Jerk Off Instruction) was all the buzz words that kept appearing. After some Googling and a few talks with Siobhan she suggested I act out a JOI style scene. So I decided to surprise him the very next night and the rest is history.
Our sex life was reignited, we talked and talked about what had happened every day, why we grew distant, what we wanted, what to do next and eventually I confessed what I had done. Some couples therapy and an understanding husband really saved our marriage, plus my own personal therapy and some much needed medical intervention. Coming to terms with my own demons and not hiding who I was anymore.
I never mentioned Siobhan to my husband until after I surprised him with a threesome, again another selfish way for me to get with Siobhan guilt free and my husband didn’t seem to complain. Either did Siobhan for that mater who jumped at the idea when I jokingly suggested it on night after the gym.