I met Victoria on the other side of a 4 month descent into despair.
It never takes girls long to figure out that I’m not like most guys. I can be rough and manipulative, but my strongest sexual attraction comes from my heart. I fall in love quickly and deeply. Google “limerence.” That’s me–I get incredibly high from feeling like I’m in love. It’s an all-encompassing desire to posses and become one with another–well, that’s what we tell ourselves. In reality, it’s more like an elaborate form of masturbation. I build the girl up to where I need her to be fuckable. Sometimes that takes a lot of effort, sometimes it’s easy. When it’s over, I crash deeply–roughly in proportion to the limerence high she conjured.
At the time of this story, I was 18 and did not have this kind of detached self-assessment. I only saw potential partner after partner fall away as I was mystified by rejection from the college girls who were not looking for anything approaching my intensity. And who can blame them? From far away, that kind of attention must look curious. Up close, like sunlight focused through a magnifying glass, it burns.