My mind brain is numb. My eyes are open but I can’t really see. I’m aware of flashing lights, something on the t.v. that we were supposed to be watching – Rob & I.
That’s right, Rob.
I’m in his apartment. I know that yet, at the same time, I’m lost. My skin is crawling, yet I want him to touch me. I want him to run his hands over my body and do the things he’s always joked about doing; the things he threatened to do.
I tell myself I don’t want this but, as his lips touch mine, I both melt and go hard at the same time. I’m not gay. I tell myself that.
I’m not gay.
I’m not gay…but…
I’ve thought about this before. I’ve fantasized about it – kept it secret – for how many years?
Rob and his teasing, putting thoughts in my head. Thoughts I wish I didn’t want, yet they come to me every time I masturbate. Now that his lips are on mine; his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to my back where I want to be; these fantasies becoming a reality, finally.