If it was violent, you can write it off. You can take that thought, focus on it. They did this. They forced me, they beat me, they hurt me. Any lubrication was my body trying to protect itself. A coping mechanism. Easy, plausible, deniable. Not so when it isn’t those closest to you making the greatest violation, not family, so called friends, acquaintances. Who do you blame when it was you who broke?
It all started when I couldn’t move, pinned down. Folded in half and feeling even smaller than I actually was. I’d been here before, willing and unwillingly in this position. Not with him, but it was an old dance, I know when I could fight and struggle and when it was best to let them finish. When you’re in agony, it’s easy to turn off your mind, at least in the moment. You just go away, staring off at that patch on the wall. No, with those, it’s only later that the thoughts won’t stop, where you slip into that spiral.