“Thank you, sir, enjoy your evening!”

“Thanks. Hey, erm… Do you have any… Err… Tips?”

“… Excuse me?”

I slam the door in his face, sweating despite the cool air-conditioning. Heart pounding in my chest, I look down at my shaking hands in disbelief, the golden band around my ring finger glistening in the bright room lights.

Right. I’m married now. I turn around to face my now literally blushing bride, standing nervously by the king-sized bed in her gorgeous gown. Her hands clasped and fidgeting, her eyes staring intently at the floor, as if hoping she could will herself into a less awkward room below. This was it… Right? The magical moment, the wonder of wonders, the thing that God tells you to save specifically for marriage because it’s so wonderful: Sex.

But what God didn’t tell us is how freaking awkward it would be if this were your first time!

For years we had religiously maintained that we would have no sexual activities in this relationship, having both come from religious households where even holding hands in public was frowned upon. In private, in secret, we would sometimes hug, even make-out, but every time things got too intense we would stop it. Similar to an extended “no fap” challenge (look it up), we channeled our energies into other productive things instead, developing our careers and becoming living legends within our own communities. Read more »