My friends and I happen upon a flier for the local roller derby league, featuring a headlining “bout” on Saturday night with the Hell Marys battling the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers. I get beyond excited. I have a huge crush on roller derby ladies. I talk my friends into going. I can’t wait for Saturday night.
Saturday comes around and I get myself ready. I get all dressed up in a suit and tie with my finest shoes and best smelling cologne. We get there and I stick out like a porcupine in a nudist colony. But it’s all good because as I walk in, I catch the eye of the most stunning lady there. She has short hair, tattooed shoulders, and thicc thighs. She gives a half smile as she carries her gear to her team’s bench.
They begin their warm-ups and my heart is fixated on number 29, Copernicrush of the Hell Marys. As she skates, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have her back her ass into my lap. The bout starts and “Crush” is a blocker. The whistles blow and the bout begins. Going around the second curve, her teammates yell out “Crush”!, as she knocks the hell out of the opposing team’s jammer. Through the night, she dominates and we again catch each others’ eyes as she smiles in my direction.