Stink-EYE
It could have been the Gin, it could have been the twisted heat. Boy was it hot in this dank city. The kind of hot that sags your testicles like a greasy, undercooked Panini in a brown paper bag. I thought to myself, this Pub was a bad idea since it seemed hotter in here than outside. The air in the Pub was thick and musty. The smell of stale cigarettes and what could only be described as an enclosed band-wagon full of illegal immigrants sodomized my nostrils. I sat half-cocked at a small two seater table in the corner away from the few “local yokel’s” that were perched at the bar. I stared like a tarty toddler playing strange when daddy’s cracked-out mistress shows up unannounced. I’d try to decipher their belligerent garble but no dice. Their dialect would confuse Keith Richards. My eyes wandered around the neglected pub only to see decor you could find in a run down old-folks home and nicotine stained black and white photos of when this place once had its charm. But hey, the Gin was cheap and she would be coming soon…
It was this thought that churned my guts with mystery once again. Who could this Broad be? Every week the same old strike-out. I’ve never had luck with these blind dates. Ah shit! What was her name again? Madeline?…Matilda?…Milinda! Thats it, Milinda! I pictured in my mind what Milinda would look like as I forced another swig of luke warm dry Gin in my mouth like a blind-folded Martyr swallowing his last request before the firing squad. Was she like the other hit-and-run dates?…and why the “shit” did she want to meet at this “swass-assed” establishment…
“Swat” a brittle but firm slap to the back of my head sent the remainder of my thigh-sweat Gin shooting out of my mouth on to the table like an untrained adolescent pissing on the family cat. You Karl? a gurgled raspy voice asked, as almost in mid-belch with a hint of acid reflux gaining towards the esophagus. I could smell the hot breath of the curious person behind me which shot a distant memory to my mind of the time I found the neighbours dead cat under my deck. It must of been there for months. The feline corpse was bloated three times its size, eyes bulging and its skin near bald and blueish, writhing with thousands of yellow headed maggots that have already consumed the majority of its rotted innards.
Ya, I’m Karl, who wants to kn…Just as I was turning to face this brimstone-breathed-baron, my words were cut short. My eyes locked on hers like a moth mesmerized by a lightbulb. At first glance I noticed she was rocking two different eye colours. One a pale, baby blue. The other a forest green, sun-bursting with flares of yellow autumn wildfire. This excited me into a speechless ramble like a numbed-lipped patient carelessly babbling answers to his interrogative dentist. I squinted to refocus her full-bodied aura from the back draft of a yellowed hanging billiard light. Her hair, wirey and dry, coloured tar black, except for her overgrown blonde roots, like a wicker broom dipped in an oil pan. Her smile, God her smile! It was so grotesque it was arousing, filthy and erotic. Her teeth, small, jagged and discoloured much like those candy corns nobody ate at halloween as a child.
Ye..ye..you must be Matilda, I stuttered out. M-A-B-E-L, Ya gonna buy me a drank, or are ya gonna shtare at me all night? She barked out. At this point my body was tingling with erotic disgust, like having the best massage of your life from John Merrick the Elephant man. I could feel my penis throbbing like an out of control coldsore in its first stages. What can I get ya? I asked trying hard not to pass out from the blood rushing to my prick. I’ll have a Bourban, NO ISHE! She sprayed out. Bits of renegade saliva hit my face and lips like a bukkake of horny muskrats. I licked the spray off of my lips and my taste-buds were punched with the flavour of compost water. I’ll be back before you can say rice cakes. I stated. RISHE CAKESH! She spattered out.
I staggered over to the bar now with more confidence. I wasn’t drinking alone anymore and the anxiousness had dissipated. I bellied up beside the local yokel’s who abruptly ended their drunken lip flapping to watch and listen to what I was after. Baffled looks and half-opened mouths appeared on their stupid faces as if I walked into their bathroom stall and asked to borrow a pencil. The bar keep shuffled over from his corner. He was a short balding man who reminded me of Danny Davito as the penguin in Tim Burton’s second Batman. What can I getsya son? The bar keep asked. Bourban, no ice and another Gin. I answered. I watched as he poured the drinks wondering if he once had charm like the timey black and white photos on the wall. he slid the drinks over to my side. A wink and a sly smile came across his pudgy, pale face like a back door peeping tom watching the old ladies feed ducks from behind a tree, rubbing his un-cut cock against the bark of a Birch. After all I know what this gesture was driven toward as he’d probably been eyeing us since her arrival. I nervously smiled and nodded like a grade nine pipsqueak scurrying past a gaggle of menacing, senior brutes in the hallway.
I hustled back over to the corner table where Monica was seated. She was sitting on her chair, legs spread revealing the outline of her cameltoe through her tight acid washed jeans. She was using her long pinky finger nail to dislodge a piece of food from between her varmint teeth. I sat down with our drinks and began to stare into her untamed eyes. Desperate to break the uncomfortable silence I conjured up the courage to ask about her two-toned eyes. Sooo…Were you born with eyes? Her brow frowned and her head tilted to the left like a dog hearing a faint whistle. Clueing into the dumb question I spat out of my face hole I quickly stammered to elaberate what I meant. I..I…I mean, like, your eyes, they are different colours…were you born like that? She chuckled with a high pitched weeze at the end like an aroused donkey. She grabbed her Bourban and poured the entire drink down her throat, slammed the glass down and let out a refreshed “aaaahhh” which curled my nose hair like the Wicked Witch of the East’s feet after Dorothy’s house landed on her. Watch thish! She exclaimed. She proceeded to widen her eyes as if the Pope was rubbing one out behind me. She lifted her left hand and with a mighty “Thwack” she spanked the back of her scare-crow head. “Kerploink” her damn baby blue eyeball went shooting out of her head and landed square in my Gin. Before I could let out any sort of reaction, she grabbed my now decorated Gin, slammed it down and continued to suck off the remainder of Booze on her eyeball. “Katoo” She spit the eye back into her hand and popped the eye back into her gaping socket. A slow clap erupted by the few patrons perched at the bar. I almost full-out creamed in my pants right there. I could feel the pre-cum absorbing into my now tight breifs like triple ply Charmin toilet paper soaking up spilled cooking oil. Holy shit! That was amazing! I exclaimed. Yup! Shling-shot acshident back in eighty-shix. Damn marble flew right back into my fashe and “POW” no more eye. Just got this glash one three yearsh ago, been using a ping-pong ball before that. She said. Wow! What would make you want to switch? I asked sarcastically. You ever tried to chashe a ping-pong ball around a college campush with one eye? She retorted. I see your point, wait you went to college? I replied. Went there lotsh o’ times! She exclaimed. Well, what did you study? I asked impatiently. Shtudy? Nah not me, I just did tricksh for extra cash. She answered. Now, Howsh about we get outta here and I’ll show you what other tricksh I can do? She coyly asked. I got a room two blocks down the road. I replied without hesitation. Well Giddy-up! She retorted
After our two-block walk which took nearly thirty five minutes due to drunken staggering, and two pee breaks in the bushes. We arrived at my rented room. I fumbled for my keys like a shivering colour-blind autistic trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube. As I attempted to unlock the room door I pondered about what other tricks she could do. “Oops!” My keys flung out of my hands and dropped to the ground. Need shome help? A sly voice from behind me whispered. She squatted down slowly, her knees cracked like the sound of cocking a pump action shotgun. She rose up, her back to me when she flipped her hair back. Her tangled mane smacked my face like a manged horse tail. Tire fire and shoe polish penetrated my nostrils like an eager, fat fingered state trooper performing a cavity search on a tight-assed second offender. The aroma sent blood rushing to my head putting me in a dizzy hue like a hypoglycemic that ran out of wine gums.
When I came to my senses I noticed Melissa entering the now open bisque coloured door. It was once likely a nice cloud white but anything that stays too long around here develops a rusty film like a porcelin doll in a Bingo Hall. I walked in the dark dank room caressing the wall for a light switch. I gotta bottle of Jack in the fri…Just then I felt a hot wet tongue cut my sentence short. Her tongue filled my mouth and nearly recoiled my own tongue down my larynx. Her candy corn teeth scraping against mine, her foul breathe replacing mine. Her saliva flowing into my mouth like draining a pot of boiled liver water into the sink. The taste…Oh lord the taste. I can only describe as a severe Jaundice sufferer pissing on an overflowing ahstray, chugging it, vomiting it up and lapping up the regurgitated concoction. It took the mighty power of Christ to not upchuck right into her mouth. But no power of the Lord could control my raging erection about to bust through the teeth of my zipper. Well what do we have here? Mary-Anne seductively asked. She undid my button and slowly unzipped my jeans. My cock was now pumping full of blood like a bulging calf muscle after an exerting tour-de-france bike race. She grabbed hold of my shaft firmly with her hand and pulled me to the bed. I grabbed hold of her acid wash jeans and yanked them down to her feet. I then bent down inching closer to her exposed panties. I grabbed the side of her underwear and tore into them teeth and nail until they fell ripped to the floor like a Jack Russell tearing into the junk mail that had just been pushed through the mail slot. I caught a glimpse of her clam. I had never seen anything quite like this. The image still burnt in my brain of the twisted meaty lips and wirey hair. Her pussy resembled a Basset Hounds face that had been pushed into a belt sander. The wretched smell of an expired Carp marinating in ammonia and vegan feces made my jaw lock and me eyes instantly water up like I had just been sprayed with bear mace…Without hesitation I buried my face into it like a hyper-active hound lapping up a period stained microfibre couch cushion. The combination of the dank heat, her wirey pubes and her unforgiving pussy juices stung my face like riding a bicycle through a corn field without a helmet in the early morning due. I lapped up that meat pocket until she orgasmed with my tongue inside her. I could feel her pussy pulsating as she dripped the last drips of love juice all over my face. She grabbed my hair and forced my face away from her ravaged hole with a sickening shmuck before I lost consciousness from asphyxiation.
I gasped for breathe like a flailing fish out of water as she laid me on the bed. Now itsh my turn she gasped out. I leaned my head back to stare at the spinning ceiling fan as she did her work. She grabbed hold of my stiff dick and dragged her tongue from the bottom of my balls to the tip of my penis. When her tongue reached the top of my knob she slowly stuffed my hard cock into her foul mouth like an anaconda swallowing its prey. Slow sucking from the rim of my knob to the base of my shaft making sounds like a Doctor Seuss book. Glurp…Glug…Gulg…Gilg. Her warm saliva ran down my raging rod onto my ball sack when I felt her neck muscles tense up as she jolted from a hiccup with my slobbered shlong in her throat. A Dickup is what I call it. She pulled her head back to take the cock out that was blocking her from breathing like pulling an oxygen tube out of a patient in surgery. She let out a mighty gasp sucking in air like a fugitive hiding underwater until the feds left. You ready for the good shtuff? she weezed out. Oh yeah baby, show me what you got. I responded with anticipation.
I jerked my head up to get a good view of what was about to go down. She widened her lucky eye and removed it seductively like a bingo caller drawing the first ball of the game. She let a loogie drip from her chicken lips into her palm where her glass eye lay and then with a wink of her good eye she inserted her baby blue into my puckered anus. I let out an astonished whoop like I had just been bag-tagged by Sir Elton John. Just then she friskly grabbed my rod like a spooked helicopter pilot avoiding chop and inserted it into her empty, gaping eye hole. In and out, in and out. I couldn’t believe my eyes! What in Gods name is happening! Ohhh my fuck! I panted out. I could feel soft tissue and cartilage against my knob. I could also feel her eyelashes brushing against my bulging veined organ like a tap dancing butterfly. My cock has never been through, in or around anything like this before…It was this thought that I felt the massive amount of semen rushing from my nourished nuts filling my shaft like a shook up cola bottle…Oh fuck I’m gonna cum! I bellowed out. Errrr AH! AH! AH! Ahhhhhh! One…Two…Three, shots of glory blasted into her eye-hole filling her socket full of man cream. The final blast clenched my ass sending her baby blue flying out of my timid anus. She slid my pumping penis slowly out of her cream filled eye-hole and let the cum role down her befouled face onto my nuts like letting a cracked egg slowly drain out of the open shell. Now that’s a “CreampEYE”. She bent her head down below my drained dink and soggy sack and sucked up her now tainted rusty baby blue in her mouth. She swiveled it around like an ice-cube from cheek to cheek, spit it into her hand and once again popped it back into place like a master mixologist adding the final touch of the olive to a perfectly crafted dry Martini.
I thrusted my head back against the bed in utter fulfilment and let my heart steady its pace. Staring once again at the rotating fan blades of the ceiling fan I asked Melony Who the fuck are y…Just then my words were shattered by the sound of the door slamming and the faint patter of feet on the damp pavement fading into the dank night.
There has been many forgetable nights, actions and women in my pathetic shell of existence. But I can tell you one thing will never be forgotten, and that my friends is that incredible night with the incredible lady who’s name may be tarnished from my memories, but never her baby…blue…Stink-eye.
. . . . . . . .
The next morning I awoke to a hangover like no other. My body felt like it had been beaten for hours by munks with bamboo shafts. My head felt like it was giving birth to a Fiat and my mouth tasted like I was sucking on a corpse. I went for my jeans and noticed my wallet was gone. Meredith! that bitch! “Ring”…”Ring”. My phone was going off and sounded like a fire drill due to my over-reactive hangover senses…Uh Ahem! Argh!…Hello? I answered wearily. Where the fuck were you asshole! You think you can just stand me up and think meh whatever?? The distraught voice replied. Who the fuck is this? I snapped back. B-R-E-N-D-A, your blind date that you ditched last night! The bartender said you left with some bitch! You mother fucking asshole!…Oh shit!….man, I was way off. Read more »