He was the boy next door type. And, he was literally The Boy Next Door. It was Summer 2007, I was 19 then… and I just moved into my first apartment, with roommates of course. I felt so accomplished when I found an apartment and moved into one on my own. I realized that I was an adult, independent and free… I loved every minute of it. I knew that this summer was going to be a good one, one that is very exciting and definitely the summer that I started exploring my sexuality and my feminine desires. Come on, I was 19 and never been kissed, never been touched, never really flirted. I never had these feelings before and I was getting gitty about it! It was awesome!
So our apartment has this huge balcony overlooking the bay. It was beautiful. One afternoon, I went out to enjoy the view in just boxers and a wife-beater (still very feminine, I had curves too) because my room had sliding doors to access the balcony. My clothes were comfy, and it was one of those days that I felt like staying at home and be comfortable with what I am wearing. I didn’t feel the need to dress up and put make up on (Oh, I did not wear make up at all my first two years in transition, unless it was a special occasion, and I think I was beautiful). It was summer so other students were moving in and moving out. There was a balcony next to ours and people in that apartment were just moving in. One minute I was just enjoying the sun and loving the view, and suddenly someone came out of th balcony next to ours… and I flew right back into my room. I felt was embarrassed and I was shy. I saw a glimpse of him, and I thought he was cute… typical boy next door with innocent looks. I liked that. I knew right then that he was Jewish because I’ve met a lot of Jewish guys in my first year at Cal, and I think they are definitely not bad to look at, perhaps even attractive. That afternoon, I ended up staying in my room and watching movies on alluc.org and hulu.com because I was still embarrassed about being in comfy clothes. Of course, I went out doing my daily routine like normal.
A few days after the incident, I heard a knock on our apartment door. I thought it was my roommates or the landlord at first, then I looked at the peeking hole and saw a cute guy. It was The Boy Next Door. He asked if he can borrow a can opener, and I didn’t have one so I suggested he asks the other neighbors. After a couple of hours, he knocked again asking for sugar… I was like, “Wth, he needs to buy his own.” But, the nice person in me gave him some. The next day, he knocked again asking to borrow a knife and a cutting board. It was weird. He has his own kitchen obviously, but I understand that he just moved in. So, I said sure and led him to our not-so-cute kitchen. That was the first time we talked about each other. He is from Chicago, and he is only taking some classes at Berkeley. He was 23, I think. He plays the guitar a lot, and he is learning about Flamengco. I have never heard it before, but apparently it is a genre of music. He seemed really passionate about it, which tickled my interest. I am not sure if I said this before in my previous blogs (LOL, the past 3 blogs), but I am attracted to men who are passionate about something. It can be a sports team or medicine or their career, I love it all. To me it shows that they are genuine, and I really like that! We talked about the view and how I loved it. He was jealous because their view is blocked by a tree. I felt bad, so I said… “Hey, you have two floors, and you have two balconies.” He said that ours was better. So, I said well you’re welcome to see the view whenever you want to.
Okay, that led to a really long conversation. So he left. I was waiting for hours until he returned the knife and cutting board, I was really waiting. I thought he was really cute and I wanted to see him again and talk to him again. Gosh, the girl in me is finally getting some boy action, after 19 years of suppressing it. After 3 hours or so, he knocked on the door and returned the knife & cutting board, then said thank you. I said you’re welcome! I didn’t know the whole flirting process then, so I was just going with the flow. He left, and I was sad… I thought to myself, “Does he like me?” It was a question that I couldn’t answer, but things are about to unfold.
He knocked on the door again after a couple of days. The door was unlocked and I told him to come in. I was chatting with my cousins from San Diego using Yahoo Messenger with a webcam. I was wearing short shorts and a tiny tank top. OMG, I was hella skinny then. I was in my bed and I was laying on my stomach with the laptop screen in front of me. He stood behind me, and he kinda surprised me. He didn’t surprise me because he just stood in front of me. He surprised me because I could see a huge bulge in his sweatpants. I was in awe. It was so big and I could just imagine myself playing with it. It was the biggest thing I have ever seen, I wanted to put my mouth on it. Instead, my shocked face was with an open mouth. Do you know when you’re surprised and your mouth opens wide? Well, maybe it is just me… but my mouth was open for that big thing! That was when I got really attracted to him. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him just what I was doing. I still chatting with my cousins.
Then he asked if he can check out my view, I said yes. At first, I was like… the view you’re giving me right now is so much better. Hahah. I told him it was better to see at night! Oh, I just realized it was July 4th. So he came that night and we both watched the fireworks. It was so cute. That was my first time watching the fireworks with someone other than my family or my friends. It was really cute. I went back inside my room, and he stayed out in the balcony. I was laying in my bed and decided to watch a movie. I don’t remember the movie that I started watching, but he also came back in after a couple of minutes. He asked me what I was doing, and I said I was watching a movie. He asked if he can join me, I said yes. So, he joined me in my bed.. We were apart at first, then he started getting closer. Our toes ended up touching, and they played with each other a bit. Then, his hands started caressing my arms… it almost felt like he was admiring the softness of my skin. I enjoyed it. At first I was a little shy, but I ended up doing the same thing to him. Our toes were playing with each other, our hands were exploring each other’s skin, each other’s bodies. This is probably why I can’t remember the movie.. it’s because I didn’t even watch it. The movie kept playing, but we weren’t paying attention to it, so we started talking about each other again.
I asked him how he liked California so far. He talked about the differences. I talked about how I love San Diego and San Francisco. Then, he started talking about how he and his roommates thought I was cute. It made me blush. I didn’t know boys talked about things like that. But, I totally don’t mind. I’ve never felt this right before. I was finally blooming to the girl I longed to become. Then he asked me about my move to the US from the Philippines, I talked about how everything there is simple. I lived in a house where there was no electricity, such a simple life. I like small talks when I am cuddling with someone. Oh, we’re cuddling by now. He was behind me while laying down, embracing me, still caressing my skin. We continued talking- likes and dislikes, favorite movies, favorite color, etc. Then, I felt him kiss my neck. I let him do it for a couple of minutes. Then, I turned around and our lips met. It was a perfect moment. It was one of those priceless movie moments that I always wanted. It was sexy. I was making noises. It made me feel good inside. We kissed and cuddled all night long until we stopped and he left.
It would be every night that he would come over, and we would cuddle and make out. It was awesome, until his hands started exploring my body to where I didn’t want them to be. His hands were on my legs and working their way up to my private area. I told him, “No” and he stopped. It would be like this all night, he asked me why? I couldn’t tell him. He said its okay, I will go easy on you. He must have thought I was a virgin. Well, I was. He asked me what I was afraid of. He said, “Are you afraid to get pregnant?” I giggled inside. I told him, I have never done it before… I’ve never been touched down there. This would happen every night of cuddling and making out, he kept trying to explore my private area and I kept saying no. He kept trying to find out why, and I just kept saying I just didn’t want to. It led to a point when he got pissed, and he stopped coming over.
I felt bad, so I had to do something. Whenever I see him, it seemed like he didn’t want to see me. So I wrote him a letter about the situation. I wrote something along the lines of I am not who he thinks I am. I wrote him saying I would rather tell him in person than in that letter. So, he knocked on my door so we can talk. I went over at his balcony, and that’s when I started telling him. I said I hope you don’t kill me for what I am about to tell you, and he said his parents didn’t raise him to be that person. I couldn’t tell him, so he started guessing… After a couple of wrong guesses, he joked that I am not about to tell him I wasn’t born a girl. I said, yes. I wasn’t born a girl. Then, it was over. He said we could still be friends. But, after that day, he never spoke to me ever again until after he left. We’re facebook friends, and we chat once in a while. He is a graduate student at Columbia University now.