Author: RelationshipGoalsXXX

I Put That Dick in Yo Face (or fucking my wife at a meme’s concert) [MF][public]

Originally posted here: http://relationshipgoalsxxx.com/i-put-that-dick-in-yo-face/

I’m not sure exactly how I was exposed to the “music” of Miami-based rapper Stitches, but I was immediately hooked. His style was rough and throaty, with lyrical themes almost exclusively dealing with his day job—a cocaine dealer. His raps bragged of a personal friendship with famed Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo, paying off TSA agents to help him move his wares through the sky, and his desire to impregnate Miley Cyrus. When I heard that he’d be appearing in town, I absolutely had to go.

For those unfamiliar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtW6HW8jO_U

While willing to join me on this excursion of the absurd, my wife Laura added the stipulation that we could go, but we were absolutely not paying for tickets (a deal we’d made earlier in the year at an equally ridiculous Insane Clown Posse concert, where even we weren’t depraved enough to fool around at). The show’s promoter had owed me a favor, so I was able to score a couple of spots on the guest list, and off we went. Read more »

Sketchy Club Sex [MF][drugs][awkward]

This is my first submission here. I typically post on /r/gonewildstories, though this story takes enough creative license that I’m not comfortable posting there. Turn back now if you’re weird about drug use.

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Every Thursday, my group of friends travelled across the river to a punk rock club known for hosting a fashionable 80’s night. The popularity of this space was baffling. It had originally been a Polish gentlemen’s club in a neighborhood that once housed blue collar steel workers. Today the neighborhood is an upscale gentrified playground catering to Google and Uber employees, but things were dramatically different in the early 2000’s, when it was the epicenter of the city’s heroin, prostitution, and mugging problems.

Somehow, the neighborhood’s reputation did nothing to detract hundreds of people from showing up each week, and the crowd couldn’t have been more diverse. Punks with liberty spikes would be mingling in one corner next to a group of frat bros. Local dealers would attempt to peddle their wares to finance majors. The odor of train-hopping crusties would blend with the smell of cigarette smoke and cheap perfume from a bachelorette party. The music was fun, the drinks were cheap, and it wasn’t too hard to avoid going home alone. Read more »

Sticking my dick in crazy… Kelly, the girl who stabbed me. Pt. 2: “I’m Late” [FM][Rough][Sadistic][Pregnant]

I’m sorry this took so long to post… I was recently released from an inpatient mental health facility after suicidal thoughts, and brains before boners.

You can read part one here: https://www.reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/6eatub/sticking_my_dick_in_crazy_kelly_the_girl_who/

There’s a more full version on my website at: http://relationshipgoalsxxx.com/sticking-my-dick-in-crazy-kelly-part-2/

I sat there thinking it might be time to make better decisions… a thought I often have to this day. My now-ex-girlfriend Valerie had just punched me in the stomach and spit in my face, and I may have knocked up a supposed one-night stand, worse still, one who claimed to love me. I picked up my phone and called Kelly. We agreed to meet and talk that night.

On the trolley ride to see her, I felt a wide range of emotions:

Sadness – I’d knew it was over between Valerie and I.

Terror – I never wanted kids.

Anger – Why the fuck would I not wear a condom?

Bitterness – The world was shitting on me constantly (and it had nothing to do with my poor decisions).

When I arrived at her house, I knocked on the door, greeted by Kelly. She let me in and led me to her bedroom. Read more »

Magnum Mike & The Pinkie Dick [FM]

My wife wrote this. There’s some follow up about some of her future experiences with Mike on our blog at: http://relationshipgoalsxxx.com/magnum-mike-and-the-pinkie-dick/

My first major relationship began when I was 19 and lasted almost 3 years. While its end isn’t particularly pertinent to this story, I feel the need to tell you that he, a grown ass man, cheated on me with a 14 year old. Anyone playing those games needs to be put on blast, but still, it’s neither here nor there. The most important player in this saga is the rebound guy. We’ll call him Mike.

Mike and I had known each other for years. We attended high school together, and our group of friends occasionally intersected. He happened to be working at the convenience store where I stopped to purchase my post-break up ice cream after ending the first meaningful relationship of my life. I explained what had just happened, and he almost immediately asked if I wanted to go out sometime. This was in my hot mess days, so I thought nothing of the inappropriate timing. We made a date and stuck to it. Read more »

Sticking my dick in crazy… Kelly, the girl who stabbed me. Pt. 1 [FM][Rough][Cheating]

More backstory, with a bit more action (I wanted to get you guys to the goods):

http://relationshipgoalsxxx.com/sticking-my-dick-in-crazy/

Earlier in the day, I’d broken up with my girlfriend. This wasn’t uncommon, as the relationship had been faltering for months. When I came home, my roommate convinced me to tag along to the beach with he and his girlfriend. I used the “third wheel” argument and they invited a “friend for me.”

Jason’s girlfriend had a friend who was described to me as, “having a great personality.” Owing to the drama of the previous days, I could use a bit of an escape. The friend wasn’t really a factor. I was going to hang on the beach, smoke weed, feel sorry for myself, and leave them all to their devices. I agreed, then left to get beer and other supplies.

When I returned, Jason and his girlfriend were sitting on the couch and introduced me to Kelly, who quickly jumped off the love seat and hugged me, lingering a little longer than I’d expect for someone who I’d met approximately four seconds prior. Read more »

[MF] Healthy Rebound Sex: Getting Caught in a Cemetery and Fucking Her with a Beer Bottle.

The “let’s give them some backstory” version: http://relationshipgoalsxxx.com/nikki-part-1/

I was taking a recent break up pretty badly… spending a few days in my bedroom drinking beer, binge watching the first three seasons of Scrubs and feeling sorry for myself. Unlike previous bouts of self-loathing after a break up, I found myself completely uninterested in sex. Or companionship. Or any sort of interaction with anyone. I spent these weeks writing terribly derivative and attention-seeking blog posts about how unlovable I am. How I’d never find someone. I was fucking 23 and stupid and emotionally immature and thought that I could make my ex feel sorry enough for me to take me back. Don’t ever do this.

My self-involved diatribes didn’t cause her to fall in love with me and come running back… but they definitely caught the attention of Nikki. I’d never met Nikki in real life. She had done some freelance writing for me the previous year and we were connected on Myspace and Livejournal, but we rarely talked… until my blog posts were plagiarized My Chemical Romance lyrics, changed to vaguely reflect my sadness. Read more »

[FM] Friday night I made out with a virgin… Saturday night she was bound with duct tape with welts on her ass and cum on her tits. [BDSM][Longish]

This one started getting really long. Sorry about that. I trimmed it a bit. If you like even more backstory, I posted a longer version here: http://relationshipgoalsxxx.com/kate-the-virgin/.

Feedback is welcome!

One day, after waking up surrounded by empty Pabst cans to the sound of my roommate screaming at his World of Warcraft guild, I walked over to my computer and saw that I’d had a few friend requests, which I accepted all of – at least the females (I was a shitty dude). By the time I finished my shower, shave, and breakfast of cold pizza I returned to my computer to a new message from Kate.

Kate was extremely attractive… in the exact opposite ways that I tend to prefer(ed). I liked extremely thin or chubby pale art majors with shitty attitudes, my age or older, black or colorful hair, dressed punk as fuck, and enjoyed going to basement punk shows & goth fetish nights. She wasn’t thin or chubby – I think the kids today would call her thicc – with a giant ass on her relatively slim 5′ frame. She was two years my junior. She regularly tanned, kept her hair in line with mainstream trends, was bubbly and cheerful. I had no idea why she wanted to talk to me (my initial thought was that I was going to be asked to stop corrupting one of her friends), but I didn’t have to work until that evening, so I was game to talk. Read more »

[MF] Honey, Let’s Make Some Porn! – AUDIO

Recently, my wife and I have started filming our exploits and sharing them with the Pornhub community and on our own blog. It’s led to some fun interactions, a few new Snapchat friends, and we’ve talked about trying a ton of new things! (Author’s note: life is fucking rad).

Last night, we decided that we were going to make an oral video. I absolutely love going down on my wife, and she’s often quick to orgasm which drives me wild. Yeah, I’m an egomaniac. My wife sat on the love seat, practically begging me to go down on her. I handed her my phone, dropped to my knees, and quickly pulled off her pajama shorts.

(Note to ladies – comfy pajama shorts and tank tops are sexier than fancy lingerie that looks really uncomfortable. Obviously wear what you want regardless of what dudes think, but most of us think you look just as great in Star Wars shorts & a tank top from Target as you do in a custom corset that cost more than my monthly rent). Read more »

A Little Birthday B&E [MF]

My wife and I have recently decided at taking a crack at whoring ourselves/stories on the internet. You can check out our (very new) blog at http://www.relationshipgoalsxxx.com that has some pictures, videos, etc.

My 32nd birthday was the first that I spent with my then-girlfriend-now-wife Laura. After a run of bad luck that had us co-habitating extremely early in our relationship, we decided to take fat vacation – one where we choose our destination based on the food available nearby.

Most Redditors, I assume, would have chosen New York, Los Angeles, San Fransisco, Portland, or Austin for a culinary vacation. We found ourselves heading to Cleveland, OH.

It was immediately apparent as we hit the highway as to how a good portion of this three hour drive would be spent, as we weren’t 10 miles from home before my cock was out of my pants and I was getting a spectacular handjob.

I merged onto the highway where we’d spend the majority of the drive, and no sooner had I turned on the cruise control before Laura was bent over the center of the car, blowing me as I drove. I tried to focus on the road, but that can be extremely difficult when you’re getting a porn-quality sloppy blowjob. Read more »

Our First Threesome Failed Spectacularly. Video. [FFM].

Story from my wife’s perspective: http://relationshipgoalsxxx.com/the-other-l-fail-1/

I married a unicorn.

One of the first things that I learned about my wife in our early sexual exploration was that she enjoyed sex with women, enjoyed group sex, and was more than willing to engage in these activities with me.

For the first few years of our relationship, FFM threesomes were often the subject of pornography that we’d watch together excitedly. Ultimately, that progressed to us setting up accounts on OKCupid and Tinder to begin searching for a potential third.

This process would start and stop a few times over the years, owing to real life getting in the way of sexual bucket list items.

The closest we’ve ever come to a successful threesome happened just last week, and while it ended in dramatic (and hilarious) fashion, it provided us with a week of intense sex, much of which had an audience, and a great story to tell.

Bored at work one day, I installed Tinder (after deleting all previous matches) on my phone and began swiping. I matched on someone who I had matched with previously, a friend of some friends, and we began exchanging messages. Read more »