The second attempt with the same characters from the "Working late" story. Would love your thoughts on this one as well.
As Adrian pulled into the driveway and turned the car off he pondered whether or not he should walk Olivia to her front door. It wasn’t that he didn’t want too, but if an evening out with another woman wasn’t already pushing boundaries of what is right far enough, actually walking her up to her front door too say good night definitely was. He looked over at Olivia sitting in the passenger seat and saw the same hesitation in her, he grabbed her hand, held it tight and asked
“can I walk you up?”
her cheeks went a little red as she replied with a reserved
“Yes.”
Adrian got out of the car and quickly walked around to help Olivia out as she opened the door. He grabbed the top of the door with one hand then took her by the hand to guide her out with the other. Olivia smiled at the thought of this gesture, she liked that he was a gentleman and looked after her in this way.
“Thank you.”
She said smiling as she stepped out of the car. He smiled back, closed the door, wrapped his jacket around her bare shoulders, then placed his hand on the small of her back to walk her in.
“I had a nice time tonight.”
he said as they rounded the driveway and began making their way up the cobblestone walkway. She quietly replied back.
“So did I, it was all just perfect.”
They both went quiet after that, not saying another word as they walked with great anticipation of what would happen next. As he walked up the sidewalk behind her he watched her carefully as she started to step cautiously, careful not to twist or step wrong on the uneven sidewalk. Adrian slowly moved his hand from the small of her back to the side of her waist to pull her closer to him, then grabbed her other hand so that she could steady herself as she continued.
“Thank you again.”
she said as they slowly made their way up the path. Upon reaching the front door they both turned to each to say their goodbyes. Neither one actually wanting the evening to end they paused to think of something, anything, to say to make this night continue. Adrian looked through the windows on the door and said
“It doesn’t look like your friend is home, can I walk you in?”
Staying with a friend for the night Olivia was not actually too familiar with the house and said
“Maybe you should, I don’t feel too comfortable walking in by myself.”
Adrian grabbed the keys and made his way in with her in hand behind him. As they made their way into the living room, he looked around the house for a light switch and turned it on. The room lit up to reveal floor to ceiling windows directly in front of them which gave a panoramic view of the city just below. Just inside the room Olivia removed his jacket placing it over the couch and asked
“Would you like something to drink?”
Not really thirsty but wanting any excuse to stay with her he said
“I’d love some water if you don’t mind.”
Her heels echoed through the room as she walked across the hardwood floors toward the kitchen. Adrian followed slowly behind, his eyes moving up her legs as she walked, he followed her every curve thinking to himself how beautiful she looked in that long red dress. His eyes made their way up her legs and then to her back which was fully exposed with nothing but thin straps that intertwined back and forth across her back until they made their way up over her shoulders. He smiled again as she turned her head back to see if he was following, again with any small talk he could think of Adrian said,
“This is an amazing place, is your friend coming home soon?”
“No, not for a while she’s at a work party. She probably won’t be home till much later.”
Olivia smiled to herself as she turned from view at this thought, keeping him here just a little longer was all she wanted. She opened a couple of cabinets before finding the one with glasses and pulled one down. She turned to the island that was directly behind her, filled the glass and handed handed it to Adrian who was now standing on the other side from her. Adrian reached for the glass exchanging glances as he brushed her hand with his as he took it from.
“Thank you.”
He said as he took a small drink and placed it down in front of him. Although they had been out together several times before tonight, they both sat quiet not wanting to say anything that could possibly put an end to this evening. Their love for one another had grown over the months and they had both become much more comfortable with what was happening between them, yet for some reason they both stood there tonight unable to say much. With no clue of what to actually say to the stunning woman standing in front of him, he knew that he had to do something before the overwhelming silence became too much. Still not saying anything Adrian left the silence in the air and walked around the counter, stopping once he reached the side of the island she was on, Olivia stood up a bit more with his approach, Adrian now looking into her eyes which sparkled under the lights, commented,
“You look absolutely beautiful tonight.”
Olivia blushed lightly and held back a tiny smile, Adrian laughed to himself seeing her still blush after all these months, still unable to hear such compliments about herself was one of the little things he loved about her and he repeatedly complimented her just to see her blush again. He moved a little closer on seeing this, touching the sides of her body with his hands, then pulled her closer. Now pressed up against him, she could feel his body and every muscle in his chest tense up as she leaned in, holding her breath for just a second then relaxing into his warm embrace. He looked down at her lovingly, moving his head to kiss the top of her forehead and then back down the side of her face. He raised his hands up the sides of her body, running his fingertips along the sides of her breasts, over her collarbone and across the sides of her neck before placing both hands on the back of her neck to lean her back and take the kiss that he had been wanting from her all night. He pressed his lips firmly against hers, Olivia’s eyes closed as she kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his body and resting her hands on the back of his head. Adrian walked her back against the island kissing her more passionately with each step until she could not go back any further. Upon stopping his hands lowered from the back of her neck to the straps barely holding up the red dress he was admiring earlier. He grabbed the straps with his fingers, pulled them to the side of her arms, released them and Olivia’s dress dropped in one motion straight to the floor to reveal her beautiful body and nothing but her standing there in the necklace she wore that evening and black lace thong that accentuated her figure in every way. Adrian took a step back to admire her even more and inadvertently whispered,
“God damn…”
Before Olivia could raise her hands to cover her face from slight embarrassment of the situation Adrian quickly moved his hands back to the sides of her body. With his touch Olivia’s hands went straight up wrapping themselves around his shoulders once again. She held tight around his neck and without any help from him, holding on tight, her legs lifted and wrapped around his waist. With Olivia’s legs wrapped around him, he took Olivia with both hands lifting her onto the counter in front of them, setting her down to begin exploring every curve of her now naked body. Once being set down Olivia pulled his shirt up his body and over his head letting it fall behind him. Adrian leaned forward kissing her breasts, up the side of her neck, licking up to the base of her ear, Olivia let out a whimper of excitement as he stopped. Adrian grabbed her by the shoulders and began to slowly lay her back onto the counter, her legs raising up to rest her feet on the edge as she went further back. He took his hands down the front of her, over her breasts, down her stomach and up her legs which were now trembling with excitement from his touch. Adrian kissed the top of her knees, taking his hands down the outside of her legs and moving her feet just a bit wider as he kissed down the inside of her thighs lowering himself down the counter with each kiss. She looked back at him and watched as he took time to find every inch of her, each breath a little deeper with every new kiss, when he could go no further down Olivia let out an audible gasp when he finally kissed her inner thighs. Adrian took his time with her, taking in her every move as he licked even more, arching her back in pure enjoyment as he licked with more force in his tongue than she knew how to handle. Unable to control herself and wanting more she reached down the counter with each hand, grabbed the edge of the counter on either side of her body clenching with her fists, pulling herself into him as he licked. Adrian went into her sweet skin even more as she pulled into him with everything she had, taking anything he would give her. He devoured her in every way until she could no longer pull any harder with with her own force, let go of the counter with each hand to cover her own mouth as she moaned with pleasure.
Adrian rose from her thighs with this moan, running his hands back up her body now shaking ever so slightly. Wanting to come up to him she could hardly move laying there on her back, he reached out, moving his hands to her shoulders, she watched his arms flexing as he pulled her up and close to him and paused only to kiss her. The thought of herself still on his lips as he kissed only excited her more and she wrapped her legs around his waist again almost demanding he continue. She reached down with both hands to loosen his pants, using her feet now wrapped around him she pushed his pants down his legs, revealing all of himself to her. She looked down for a moment to take him all in, she looked back up and gave an excited smile. Adrian reached down and grabbed the sides of her legs, he pulled her close wrapping one leg around him, the other hand around her back, Olivia still wet as he approached, held tight and stepped into her with no resistance at all pulling her closer as she arched further back with every new inch of him entering her. Adrian slowly pulled himself back only to gently step back into her again, taking time to enjoy this moment one more time. He grabbed her thigh with one hand, the other hand wrapped around behind as he pulled her closer to begin. Olivia could do nothing but hold onto him, burying her head into his, hardly able to control her breath he took control of her body pushing deep into her with everything he had. The combination of pure bliss and slight pain as he went all the way into her over and over, she said nothing and took him with absolute pleasure each time. His hands running down her back he grabbed the back of her ass with both hands and pulled her from the counter. He held her tight against him standing now in the middle of the kitchen and kissed underneath her chin as he let her fall back onto him. Adrian held her up and moved her to his will, penetrating her as deep as he could each time. Olivia could do or say nothing as he continued, she just held onto him as her moans turned to almost screams. Her legs now shaking from gripping so tight, she was going to cum any moment but could not catch her breath enough to say it, she just gripped tighter onto him and prepared for it. Olivia leaned her head toward him, kissing him as he moved her to his every desire and as she got close she was finally able to utter a quick and demanding,
“Fuck me Adrian!”
He wasted no time in fulfilling her request and pushed as hard and as deep as he could, slowing down for nothing as she built toward orgasm. Her every breathe getting closer to one another until she stopped breathing altogether, unable to make a sound as it finally came to her she took in one last breath as he took her the rest of the way. He pushed into her with this breathe, held her with both arms, he could feel her her leg shaking around him, finally coming to a calm, her grip still tight never letting go as she began to breath once again. He walked her back to the counter, never leaving her for a moment to set her back down as they both caught their breath again. There bodies both covered with sweat Adrian brushed her hair to the side to touch her soft skin one more time and kissed her cheek as they stood there in each others arms.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/2eu2ws/back_from_dinner_second_attempt_would_love_more
Hello, it’s your friendly neighborhood long-comment-leaving redditor. First off, I’d like to say your paragraphing has improved dramatically! There are only three that look too long in this one. People’s grammar, word choice, punctuation, and cognitive abilities in general decline when aroused, so it’s kind of like the classical writing quote: "Write drunk. Edit sober." In this case, however, it’s arousal that’s the issue. Personally, I find that it’s most effective to work on one paragraph at a time while editing so as to avoid compromising my focus. Also, doing this helps create critical distance. Now, we’re not publishing novels here, but something that Steven King says in "On Writing" is to put aside your finished draft for a month+ to get a good amount of distance from it, letting you look at it with new[1] eyes. One significant, systemic issue is how you handle dialogue. I you must have misunderstood the link I sent last time. A new speaker causes a new paragraph, but the dialogue itself needn’t be its own paragraph. I’ll give examples of how it should look and also make note of other corrections in a new-and-improved way! >He looked over at Olivia**, who sat** [2] in the passenger seat**,** and saw the same hesitation in her**. H**e grabbed her hand, held it tight**,**[3] and asked, “Can I walk you up?” > >Her cheeks went a little red[4] as she replied with a reserved, “Yes.” >Just inside the room, Olivia removed his jacket, placed it over the couch and asked, “Would you like something to drink?” >Not really thirsty but wanting any excuse to stay with her, he said, “I’d love some water if you don’t mind.” There are also still lots of comma splices and run-on sentences, watch out for them, they’re tricky.[5] Here are some examples. >“So did I, it was all just perfect.” >“It doesn’t look like your friend is home, can I walk you in?” >“No, not for a while she’s at a work party. She probably won’t be home till much later.” I recommend breaking your first _really_ long paragraph at where they start kissing; it’s a reasonable distance through the paragraph, and it marks a nice shift in their activities. The second lengthy paragraph should really get breaks at the beginning of the kissing and where that transitions to licking. The third one should break after Olivia "gave an excited smile."[6] As before, your content is pretty darn good. It’s just your delivery can stand a little extra polish. If you keep improving at this rate, though, you’ll be doing quite nicely in a few months. Also, I apologize if I come across as overbearing, and I hope to extend that into the future. Should I see more from you, I’ll also expect better. I’m not trying to intimidate you — anything but that — I hope to motivate you! Best of luck and skill! [1] [Note for biology](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitreous_humour#Composition.2C_properties_and_function) [2] I may be a little fond of non-restrictive clauses to add information, but in this case, your participle was awkward and semi-confusing. [3] While many people say that the Oxford (or serial) comma is not necessary — and that _may_ be true — it’s a good habit to use them so as to avoid instances of awkwardness and confusion, which you can see [here.](http://www.verbicidemagazine.com/2011/09/20/strippers-jfk-and-stalin-illustrate-why-you-should-use-the-serial-comma/) [4] I have a couple of points on this. If your character blushes, say that, or find another way of saying it figuratively. It’s linguistically more efficient (and the engineer in me is all about that). Everyone knows what color a blush is, so telling the reader takes more words than is needed. Giving each word weight is important. There are a couple main ways to go about this sentence with that in mind. Each has a different feeling. 1: Blushing, Olivia replied with a reserved, "Yes." Or 2: Olivia blushed while replying, "Yes." [5] Note that both preceding commas should have been periods or some other form of independent-clause-breaking punctuation. [6] I believe this is what’s known as [nominalization,](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nominalization) which usually leads to artificially longer sentences with no added meaning. >She looked down for a moment to take him all in, she looked back up and gave an excited smile. becomes She looked down for a moment to take him all in *then* looked back up, smiling excitedly at him.
Thank you! Not overbearing at all!! This is exactly what I was hoping for and I really appreciate it. I have definitely noticed the things you mentioned and tried to run back through and edit until it feels better, a nicer flow if you will than it currently does. I have been editing some of the first story to let the reader feel or come up with what is happening rather than tell them what is happening. Trying to be more descriptive rather than just put it out there. Seriously, thank you again.