Wrote an erotic story for my girlfriend. Felt like I could do better, please provide criticism.

Illia was enamored with her pump after her session.
She began using it whenever she had her chats on her computer.
She got familiar with the technology on hand.
She has even improved on the design, making sure that the accident, while an immensely pleasurable experience, happens never again.
Though her continued and excessive use of the device was starting to have less of an effect on her.
Despite that using it in tandem with the stories she receives, amplifies her experience to new heights.
The taste of that new height left her usual material, slowly becoming ineffective.
She needed more.
She needed to reach new heights in pleasure.
That’s when a story her partner wrote inspired her.
After adding a new layer of her juices on the wall under her desk.
She began work on a new design for the pump
To make it autonomous
Her pussy began to moisten as the thoughts on the lack of control of her inflation.
That’s when she notices a trenchcoat she had lying around for a costume she was working on.
A thrilling thought went through her mind.
The next day, she left the house in a trenchcoat with a large backpack that had many tubes connected to it.

She put on a face mask and hat on her head to cover any identifying features.
She began to walk to the bus stop.
It was rather stormy today.
She felt the wind press against the trenchcoat
Rubbing its coarse material on her erect nipples.
A breeze blew at the lower half.
Slightly revealing her exposed dripping cunt, before she quickly covers herself.
As she was fastening her trenchcoat, a gush of water from the hose in her ass blasted against her walls.
Her knees came closer as she raised her ass.
Her cunt releasing a trickle of fluid down her thighs.
Illia’s hands pressed against her mouth, containing her moans.
A child touched Illia and asked
“Are you okay?”
He asked.
Illia quickly composed herself, but couldn’t restrain a quiver in her voice as the pump released water into her.
“I-I’m Fu-Fine-e”
cries as the motions of the bus began to stir the water in her belly. Each bump disrupted the water, making it crash against her sensitive walls. She could feel her fluids staining the seat she occupied. She felt the bus, slowly finding clearer roads. That’s when a sudden surge of water burst forth. Illia was close to shrieking, her cunt overflowing with her fluids.
As the hose pumped more water into her, the crashes of water against her belly grew stronger and strongeThe child found her manner of speaking odd, but didn’t think much of it before going on his merry way.
Illia couldn’t contain the smile she had on her face.
Her interaction with the child making her ass quake, her pussy let out repeated squirts of her juices.
She began walking to the bus stop faster, her momentary indulgence of pleasure could’ve exposed her.
As she jogged to the bus stop, she began to savor the sloshing sensation in her ass. Each slosh sending tingles down her spine.
She reaches the stop and carefully got onto the bus. Making sure that she isn’t exposed.
As she sat down, the hose released once more. She let out a yelp in surprise. Cursory glances were sent her way, before they returned to their own lives.
Illia’s hips shifted in place. The eruption of water, splattering all over the inside of her hole. Her heart beating faster as the thoughts of those glances becoming into intense stares, prying in her enclosed perverse self. Shamelessly exposing her actions to the public.
She couldn’t face the bus conductor, she simply gave him the money for the location she was going. Hiding her heated face. The water from the pump, constantly flowing into her. Her belly was beginning to show signs of expansion, but it was still rather unfilled.
The bus came across a rather bumpy road which many of the passengers responded with slight paranoia. Illia, on the other hand, released sweet muffled r. She began letting loose tears as her pleasure rose. Her pleasure soared as she felt her belly beginning to expand, the water putting pressure against her walls. The motions of the bus on the irregular road only served to shift the weight of her engorged belly, as it moved side to side, stretching and giving her both pain and pleasure. Her cunt has thoroughly soaked her seat with her fluids as her now diamond hard nipples rub against her trenchcoat.
She couldn’t resist now, her cunt was itching for some action. The multiple orgasms made it extremely sensitive and needy for something to fill it. She slid her arms out of her sleeves as one of her hands travel to her tits while the other goes to attack her throbbing clit.
Her hips swayed back and forth as she pinched her nipples and flicked her clit. Her eyes not willing to indulge in the pleasure as she kept her eyes on her surroundings. The people around her don’t notice her motions, which just scream “Ravage me! Fuck me! Rape my orifices! Make me your bitch!”. She doesn’t even consider being inconspicuous in her body spasms whenever she cums. Her tits sway, her cunt drips, her back arcs stretching her belly and her hips quake as she pinches her clit and nipples.
She was close to losing herself in pleasure, her attention towards the outside world only let the pleasure fester and shake her mind as it whispers for her to fall into temptation. She stops when she notices the sign of the park outside the window.
She stands up, she hears a squelching sound as her ass separated from the seat. She looked back and saw strands of her juices which was connected between her and the seat. Illia quickly moves her left arm into her left sleeve and waves her hand through it, before wiping it away. She begins to walk to the exit. What she doesn’t know that a couple of people were staring at her shapely ass. Her trenchcoat wraps itself tightly around her ass and the cord that connects the hose to her due to her own fluids.
Illia felt gazes of their lust which made her both uncomfortable and hornier. She quickly escaped the bus. She had a sneaking suspicion of what would happen if she stayed on the bus.
After she left the bus she rushed into the park. When she was a reasonable distance away from the bus stop, she began to slow down. She breathed a sigh of relief. She couldn’t deny the rush of adrenaline she felt when she thought of their gazes and the possible outcomes. Her pussy throbbed uncontrollably as her arms began to sink into her sensitive flesh.
The hose began to pump the largest blast of water into her, her hands seized by the influx which really dug into her cunt. This made her blank out and shake on the spot. This combination made her cunt explode in fluids. As she lingered in the glow, she heard rapid thuds on the ground. She focused her attention in front of her, but an object slammed onto her expanded belly. It was a kid, he was running in the park and he bumped into her. Illia stood frozen in place, her head looking upwards as she released a grunt. The sensation of her belly being violently slammed against shook her to her core. There was an immense amount of pain travelling throughout her nerves. She felt the impact destabilise the delicate balance she made to contain her the water within her, an audible pop sounded as the hose quite literally popped out of her ass.
Illia was immersed in an extraordinary amount of pain, which only made the pleasure receive even stronger. She let out a moan as her cunt began to gush while she began to slowly leak out the water contained in her.
The kid was about to say sorry, but something about the heavily clothed woman in front of him made him awaken to the sexuality within him. He was lost in an illusion of the mind which he was kept even as his mother began to drag him away from Illia who was apologising for the actions of her son.
He was not the only one lost in an illusion, that single moment of pain was drawn out over an uncountable amount of moments. She savored that sensation as various fluids began to pool underneath her.
She returned to reality when she felt a sharp sting of coldness attack her senses. A torrential rain began, covering Illia in rainwater. Soaking her clothes as they clung to her attractive bodice. The fabric which was once able to hide the truth beneath was now an object which served to enhance her erotic nature. If one could gaze upon her, they would have an accurate picture of all her nooks and crannies which no one was there to appreciate the sight as most are focused on finding a dry area to wait out the storm. Illia recognizing her opportunity, began running away, as her belly was slowly deflating as water evacuated out of her ass.

Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/6i8mlb/wrote_an_erotic_story_for_my_girlfriend_felt_like

One comment on “Wrote an erotic story for my girlfriend. Felt like I could do better, please provide criticism.

  1. Wow…

    So I’m not really even completely sure what’s going on here, whatever it is, it’s not my fetish.

    But beyond that, it’s just a bit incoherent. I wasn’t getting good “mind’s eye” images… Although I’m not sure if I want to. Is she pumping water into her… Ass? Is that a thing?

    Sorry, I think the biggest problem us that the whole concept is very foreign and just not a turn on to me.

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