As the title states, I recently wrote this 3 page story in about 2-3 hours for a friend of mine and I'm wondering if I should write more separate stories, rewrite this into a longer short story, or something completely different? My friend enjoyed of story a lot, but I'm unsure if that was because I just tailored it to her kinks. There are some parts that I think could work better if I rewrite them, but personally I thought the first three paragraphs where pretty good. Please be and brutal and honest as necessary, but I's prefer if it could stay constructive. Without further adieu, I'll include the story:
Satisfaction
It started with a brush against the thigh. Neither of them consciously thought twice about it, but it lingered and simmered in the back of their minds, longing to be expressed. Hours passed, as did days and weeks, but the thought still remained and began to surface. Both subtly tried to hint for attention, though that went unrequited due to their oblivious natures. They both wanted it so bad but couldn’t find the words, leaving them to masturbate alone, thinking of one another, longing for their touch. She began to where new fragrances, blouses, and underwear, anything to get his attention. While he foolishly “kept it cool” and acted as if he didn’t notice, though he saw every change, every haircut, every sideways forlorn glance and he wanted her touch so bad.
They sat and ate lunch everyday, going to great distances to avoid the elephant in the room. It was a festival today and where they normally sat was overwhelming and loud, so they decided to eat in an infrequently used hall near the school. They sat in a desirable silence until she slid up to his side and laid her head down in his lap. “Yes?” He asked tersely. She looked up at him with wide needy eyes that spoke for her, but even that look wasn’t enough to get through his thick skull. She sat up and brought her mouth ever so close to his ear and with a timid yet sultry voice she whispered “I want you inside of me.” Shocked from the sudden statement he slid back in surprise, He recoiled in a moment’s time and exclaimed, “I know a place!” The quickly packed up their things, ran down a set of stairs to the basement, and turned a few corners to finally reach a door. “Here” He said abruptly. “Really?” she asked in a timid and worried voice. He spun and looked her dead in the eyes and said, “I promise.” Those two words melted her heart in an instant and she followed him in.
The room appeared to be an old unused broom closet devoid of all cleaning materials, with only a table, chair, and lamp remained. He strode through the dim room to turn on the aging incandescent lamp. She shut the door behind her and set her belongings on the floor. They sat in an awkward silence for a few moments until she began to say “So what do we do n—“ She was cut short as he slid up and suddenly kissed her. They stayed in the tight embrace for what seemed like and eternity, their hands exploring one another, and their tongues engaged in elaborate dance of passion. She stood on her tippy toes, stretching her slim body taught, to assertively whisper in his ear, “Get inside me now.” He responded calmly and unfazed by this ploy to arouse him, “You need to learn to be patient. Good things take time my darling.” As he said this he slipped her dress off her shoulders, letting it fall to her feet. Her long slender body revealed in its full glory, her ample breasts filled her lavish lingerie to the brim; tight panties cupped her supple heart shaped buttocks. Stunned by her figure, it took him a moment to respond. Though when he did, he playfully quipped, “I see you wore something special again today, where you trying to get my attention?” She blushed and coyly said “Maaaybeee…”
She shifted mysteriously and stared at the growing bulge in his pants. “I think someone likes what they see, how about I get a view too?” She said matter-of-factly. He quickly pulled off his shirt and began to undo his belt when she interjected, “No, let me…I want to.” He yielded and she unzipped his pants and slowly slid them down. The bulge, now unhindered by pants, pushed out even farther than before. “Can I?” She asked expectantly. He responded with an excited nod. She slipped off his underwear and gazed at his turgid penis, tipped with precum. She opens her mouth, breathing heavily in anticipation. The hot breath immediately sends chills down his Shaft and it twitches in her Hand. Unsure of how to starts she softly lick the tip, but recoils at the surprisingly arousing taste of his precum, quickly going back for more as arousal begins aches in her groin. She begins to play with the head and flick her tongue on it, making circles on the tip. After several seconds she finally slip her lips over his head and takes it all in, her mouth smoothly sliding over his cock. She gags at first because she underestimated its size, but quickly learns how to manage it. After several minutes, he grabs her hair, pulling her back in order to kiss her passionately. When their lips part, he whispers gently under his breath, “Its your turn now.”
She hopped up quickly, excited for his touch. He placed his hand on her hips and tenderly slid her underwear down to her ankle, continuing to kiss her while unclasping her bra, letting it fall to the ground. He grabbed her by her hips and lifted her up unto the table, setting her supple bottom gently onto the table. He placed his hands on her knees and spread them, and kneeled down, his lips brushing her legs. He softly kissed her legs slowly getting closer and closer to her labia, finally placing a tender kiss on her clitoral hood. She shuddered in anticipation, her wetness beginning to pool on the table. He started to gently dart his tongue up and down her labia, intermittently brushing her clitoris more and more frequently until he began to suck and tease the swollen clitoris. He started to rhythmically circle it, pushing up her clitoral hood with every rotation, and every time he did her whole body tensed with ecstasy, letting out a little moan. As he progressively rougher and rougher her groin began to tingle with pleasure. This warm tingle built into an overwhelming sensation that overtook her whole body. Her back arched, her legs tensed, her toes and fingers curled, and those little moans turned into a loud scream of ecstasy. The little pool of wetness had dripped off of the edge of the table and began forming a puddle on the ground. He stood up, his erection harder than ever and his mouth dripping.
They made a sort of eye contact that need no words. She hopped down and bent over the table, nearly slipping on the sopping floor. He stepped closer to her and placed his penis against her labia. With her nod of approval, he gently slid in with great ease, reaching deep inside of her. Her back arched once more and a long happy moan came out. He roughly grabbed her hair and pulled it to get a good grip on her voluptuous body. At first he began to move his hips back and forth slowly, but as time went on he gradually got rougher, until he was pounding full force, her buttocks and breasts bouncing rhythmically. Before too long the two of them began moaning in unison, the intervals getting shorter as he went faster. “I’m going to cum!” He cried out. Her cry met his as she screamed in pleasure, orgasming once more and contracting tightly around his penis as twitched forcefully, deeply filling her with cum. Her body slouched onto the table, as she found a new feeling, satisfaction. He pulled out and quickly pulled up her panties to keep the cum inside of her. They put on their clothes and gathered their belonging in a fulfilled silence. As the walked through the food court, she felt the cum drip down her leg, but she didn’t care because she was satisfied.
Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/2xc201/wrote_a_short_erotica_story_for_a_friend_and
For literary critiques: * There are spelling errors / misused words / missing words * The formatting could use work (e.g., not having more than one person speaking in each paragraph, which is standard) * You change tenses partway through * I didn’t know where they were or who they were to one another. At first I thought they were students, and then maybe coworkers, and then in the last paragraph it turns out they were in a mall or something. For erotica critiques: * The language you use with regards to body parts is almost clinical. You don’t have to say "clitoral hood", or call it a "clitoris" every time. You can use allusions or short forms (e.g., clit) to change things up a bit. * It’s obvious from the language and the focus that this story was written by a heterosexual male. You focus a lot on describing the woman, but not so much the guy. You illustrate a lot of sexiness about the woman (she initiated it, the puddle of pussy juices, her being so happy and excited that this is happening) and it all points to a typical male fantasy, which is that a woman practically throws herself at you. This isn’t wrong or anything, but it’s something to be aware of, if you weren’t already aware of it. It’s worth it to try to write from different perspectives and to try to think about what *other* people find arousing, not just you. * There were a couple of things that I thought were kind of comical. The first was her almost slipping in the puddle of pussy juices on the floor (which, honestly, would probably never happen unless she was squirting). And the second was the "sort of" in the first sentence of the last paragraph. It just came across as so timid on your part. :) For good things: * You have a nice way of making things sound pretty. It’s obvious that you’ve got a good idea of what you’re writing when you write, you just need to practice to make things more obvious (for example, again, where they are). * The pacing of the story was very good and worked well for erotica. * All in all, I think you’re a good writer, you just need to practice more to become even better. :) Hope this helps!
Thanks for your critique, sorry for not replying quickly as I have been very busy with conferences lately. I am well aware of the spelling/grammar errors, but appreciate you pointing them out. I spent, at maximum, 3 hours writing this and posted it directly afterwards. In hindsight, this was maybe not the best path of action. My friend propositioned me for a short erotica story earlier that day and asked that it be about me and her. This is why there is very little description of the male as both of us knew what I looked like and she asked me to focus on the female as she wanted to be flattered. Though I do intend to take your critique into consideration every time I write after this to insure equal representation of interests for all genders. I also realize that many parts were in fact unrealistic, such as profuse amounts of female "precum" or the fact that she came a second time with only penetrative sex. My girlfriend wants to become a sex educator, so clinical language and sex positivity is basically drilled into me at this point. I will try to use allusion and short forms, though I do have a point of inquiry relating to the use of nearly clinical language. How would one describe particular actions such as pushing up the clitoral hood, while remaining subtle in phrasing? Also, is the use of an almost comical event bad? I included that to have a bit of "realism" (i.e. the funny/awkward/clumsy aspect of sex), is there a better fashion in which to go about this or should I cut it out completely? I noticed that you mentioned not having more than one person talk per paragraph, which I had never heard before (why do you not?). Is there a good resource to find out these formatting standards? To conclude, I thank you for spending time to read and critique my amateur writing and hope that you will be willing to spend a tad bit more to answer my questions.
Hey, no problem! I’ll try to answer your further questions as best I can: > I also realize that many parts were in fact unrealistic, such as profuse amounts of female "precum" or the fact that she came a second time with only penetrative sex. This wasn’t a question by you, but I just wanted to point out that it’s not unrealistic for women to have more than one orgasm through penetrative sex alone. The precum was a little out there, but if you change it with squirting (or just lessen the amount of precum) then it would be more realistic. On that, though, there is a little suspension of disbelief that comes with any sort of fiction writing. People watch action movies to see the heroes destroy helicopters and beat the villains, even though they would hate for that to happen in real life. In erotica, women coming a lot of times can be sexy, provided it’s still flirting with the realism of it (e.g., I read a story once where a woman came from being kissed on the neck, which to me came completely out of nowhere (so to speak)). > How would one describe particular actions such as pushing up the clitoral hood, while remaining subtle in phrasing? Some things you can kind of gloss over when it comes to describing sexy talk. You probably don’t need to mention things like: clitoral hoods; foreskin; the size of labia; stretch marks on the insides of thighs; etc. Basically things that are kind of extraneous and can be done away with without taking away from the story. However, I think that if you were writing a story with a very slow pace, then that would be an opportunity to drag along in the details so that the reader can really stew in them, you know? In the case of the clitoral hood, perhaps something like: > She placed a finger on either side of Sandy’s clit and pushed the skin back, exposing the swollen little thing. Sandy bit her lip, Melanie’s warm breath causing her love button to twitch. See? No mention of "clitoral" or "hood". It’s cases like this where you can bust out some poetry on your half to make the language more flowery. Then let it sit when you’re done and read it over, and see if it makes *you* aroused when you read it. Also see what other people think when they read it, too. :) > Also, is the use of an almost comical event bad? I included that to have a bit of "realism" (i.e. the funny/awkward/clumsy aspect of sex), is there a better fashion in which to go about this or should I cut it out completely? Using comedy or awkwardness to portray realism is not a bad thing, but in this case I think I remember it took me out of the story. The part about her slipping is in one sentence, there’s nothing like it anywhere else in the story, and neither person addresses it either before or after. Basically it just kind of stuck out. I’d say that if you’re going to include some realism, have it throughout the story, or at least have it be addressed. If she slipped she would react (by grabbing onto the table harder, or something) or perhaps she would say something (like, "Wow, we’ll have to remember to mop up when we’re done!"). But as I said before, sometimes when you’re writing fiction for people to escape into, you don’t *need* it to be realistic. Sometimes people want fantasy, especially in erotica. They don’t want to have to deal with things like consequences or smells. They just want the good things, and they want them kind of ramped up a little. :) > I noticed that you mentioned not having more than one person talk per paragraph, which I had never heard before (why do you not?). Is there a good resource to find out these formatting standards? Having only one person speak per paragraph is ultimately so that you don’t confuse the reader. It’s a standard style of writing, like using periods to end a sentence. Some authors eschew these rules (one example I can think of is Requiem For A Dream) but generally you shouldn’t, unless you’re being artistic or whatever or you have a good reason. A good resource for learning these, honestly, is just a quick Google search. There are some good blogs ([Grammar Girl](http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/grammar-girl) is amazing) but just typing in ["Why only one person speaking per paragraph"](https://www.google.ca/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&rlz=1CAACAG_enCA593CA593&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=why%20only%20one%20person%20speaking%20per%20paragraph) will get you the results you need. I hope this all helps, and good luck with your continued writing!