Porcelain Flower I was accustom to loneliness sitting in rooms filled with conversation and banter between lovers intoxicated by both they're attraction and sprites . This only served to keep me in my place of empty and hollow disdain, but this changed one night. This woman of porcelain and bright green eyes flowed into the room. My eyes became transfixed and undaunted by her beauty and her overall presence. This creature was unknown to my life before, but still so far from me. So as she came closer her sent wafted in my nose an aroma as elegant as her. She found a place to sit one stool down from me at the bar my eyes stilled locked and unraveled, until she took notice flashed her eyes and a gentle smile that parted her red lips. That action made my head face the opposite direction and would it that my skin have been light enough my face would have been bright red from embarrassment.
As I sat there for what seemed like hours only a minute went by as I rattled my brain for something to say but she said the first word. We exchange quick hellos as our eyes connected. We continued talking I even made her laugh with one of my bad jokes eventually this interaction became so natural and greatly welcomed as we talked until the bar tender called for last rounds. It was then I asked her name she said it was Saris in turn she asked mine I said it was Vawn and another calm broke over her face. So as the bar slowly came to a close Saris gathered her things and warped her coat around tight body I was again transfixed watching her every curve. And quickly I did the same not expecting to see her again, but as turned my back to her she looped her arm with mine and asked me to walk her home and in a hushed quite voice I said yes. The night air was full of the smell of fresh rain from the start of spring. Soon I found our way through the city to her door steep and prepared to say farewell she held me and kissed with passion I so longed for. Her sweet tongue danced in my mouth until my griped her waist tight and pressed her body close to mine. We parted but only inches away and she took my hand and led me inside.
Her bed room was filled with her bouquet that surround my head we lounger as I undid her coat and dress until she was almost bare. She unbuttoned my shirt and traced her hand down my chest and rolled her fingers over my abs studying my dark skin to its fullest. Her eyes only left mine as she griped hardened phallus through my paints my eyes slowly closed from this pleasure filled touch only to open to finish undressing seamless body. Her skin was white as snow with lips red as a fading sunset my dark brown eyes traced this figure over and like a mirage that could not be real but it was. I gently picked her and placed her on the bed my body pressed against hers on the bed in an unforgettable mix dark and light. Passion held us and guided us as we experienced each other's sex, my tough glided over her body stopping to embrace her erected pink nipple. Her body arched and quaked in my desire for her pleasure my head continued down and reached her sex with a flavor equal that of her kiss I continued this until I brought her to her first climax. Her hands caressed my head unable to do anything else and moan in ecstasy. She brought herself to my attention taking my cock into her mouth writhing tough over the head of my cock in order to give as she had received. Feeling my apex on the rise she stopped and guided cock inside her, she shivered and moaned as I filled and stretched her sex. Slowly I pushed deeper until her and I were complete our breaths harmonized with bodies moving in unison all while feeding on each other's lust. Her lower body arched up as I held her ass in a desire to fill her more.
As our actions became more bold her eyes finally opened showing me those green emeralds so full of unspoken pleasure, but in that same moment she wrapped her legs around preventing me from leaving sex. And that's when her body began to vibrate and contort all the while I was inside her the walls inside her vagina griped me tighter as she came with wave after wave. This image of pure euphoria brought me to my limit I said I was going to cum and as I started to exit her she brought her legs back around me but not as tight as moments ago and told me to cum in her. These words drove me crazy, so I grabbed her by the waist and carried off the bed and wedged between me and the wall and proceed to bring us both to climax. As I felt us both getting close to an end I told her to let her legs hang down she looked at me with a raised eyebrow but did as I asked. So as I supported her full weight I slowly lowered inch by body quivering inch until her toes barely skimmed the floor. Deeper was my goal and I succeeded her head snapped back, her nails dug into my back, and screamed my name as we came with unfathomable force. I laid her back down in the bed along with myself holding her close I quietly whisper name in her ear this brings a grin to the corner of her mouth and asks will I disappear like all her perfect dreams, I tell her no I'm too alone to let you go. After I said this she holds my hand tighter and says I know me too. So I held her there that night and every night sharing our words, our bodies, and our love with each other till our final sunset.
Source: reddit.com/r/sexystories/comments/27u7p3/porcelain_flower_mf_looking_for_feedback
Alright. You want feedback? This was a really hard read. Stop being too much, let it be more natural. I highly doubt you talk like this in real life, or describe things like this in real life. As an author, you have a duty to your readers to be realistic. These are some sentences I saw that I think show this problem the most: >Her eyes only left mine as she griped hardened phallus through my paints my eyes slowly closed from this pleasure filled touch only to open to finish undressing seamless body. For one- proof read. There are MAJOR grammatical errors here. For two- talk dirty to me. Don’t talk about a phallus, I’m not in a museum looking at ancient dildos excavated out of a burial site. For three, break it down. Tease the reader. You tend to go slow on thoughts and emotions, and fast through physical actions. Reverse that. The emotions and reactions of all the readers will not be the same, and your audience may not agree with the emotions of your main characters. This is also smut, I assume, so it should be a tad more physical in my humble opinion. I don’t want to hear about some lonely, depressed guy who might write terrible poetry and send it to the nearest newspaper. I want to hear about how he got laid. Tell me about how they passionately made out, and how she pushed him against a wall and got a naughty look in her eye. She only looked away because she was shocked to feel the length of the his sex through his pants, and when their eyes met again hers was filled with excitement. She stripped off every inch of his clothing and felt up every muscle as the fabric hit the floor. > Her skin was white as snow with lips red as a fading sunset my dark brown eyes traced this figure over and like a mirage that could not be real but it was I do not think I have seen a red fading sun, however, there could have been much better wording for this sentence. Next time, it you are set in stone on this imagery, say something like "She had perfect curves and smooth, white skin like a statue. Her red lips seemed hot to the touch with passion, and her kiss felt ethereal." Again, don’t be afraid to break down some thoughts into two or more sentences, or proof read. Also– remember that the name of your piece is Porcelain Flower. WHY aren’t you staying with the porcelain metaphor, or at least alluding to it? I don’t need you to describe the texture of her skin in twenty different ways. I really dont. >As our actions became more bold her eyes finally opened showing me those green emeralds so full of unspoken pleasure Um no. Talk about those actions. Tell us why she is having those pleasures. Speak about it. You don’t directly have to go to the orgasms. You can have foreplay and sex with the readers, too. Tease both the characters and your readers. Overall, this story brought potential but also troubles. It was hard to read for clarity and understanding, but the metaphors and details were also lacking. If you are going to get so deep in the emotions of the main characters, try to keep them consistent and natural. This was the floow of feelings for our main male protagonist in an unknown amont of time at a bar in one night: >This only served to keep me in my place of empty and hollow disdain >This creature was unknown to my life before, but still so far from me. >We continued talking I even made her laugh with one of my bad jokes eventually this interaction became so natural and greatly welcomed as we talked until the bar tender called for last rounds. >It was then I asked her name she said it was Saris in turn she asked mine I said it was Vawn and another calm broke over her face >not expecting to see her again, but as turned my back to her she looped her arm with mine and asked me to walk her home and in a hushed quite voice I said yes >I found our way through the city to her door steep and prepared to say farewell she held me and kissed with passion I so longed for In that small exchange in your first two paragraphs I get this imagery: A really depressed, lonely guy who sees a beautiful woman, does not think he will have anything in common with her, but then hits up a great conversation and talks all night with her. The chemistry is so amazing and unthinkable— but wait, he forgot to ask her name?! And he is unsure and not confident about going home with her?! And when he finally gets to her house, he’s not going to initiate that passionate kiss? I think your main protagonist is awkward, and living a duel life. Either make him suave throughout, or let him really come out of his shell and feel at home with her.
Thanks I will make revisions and as you can tell this was a bit rushed.