Garden Delight
Mandy sat alone in her small garden. The trees were fully leafed and provided a thick layer of cool shade on the hot summer’s day. She was laid out on a mesh lounge chair, arms outstretched above her holding a copy of “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”. Mandy loved the book; the juxtaposition of Mellors and Clifford drew her in, one representing the mind and one representing the body, one bound, one free. The freeness of Connie’s relationship with Mellors drew her into the text, enthralling her with their relationship; the tenderness of love between the two characters’ tickled her fancy you could say. As Connie came in the book, grinding against Mellors, Mandy’s own legs spread slightly, allowing a gentle breeze to flutter up her soft white sundress and tickle her thighs. A moist feeling began stirring deep inside of her, a type of excitement brought about by the pure thought of gentle caresses and tender, consensual love making. Another breeze pushed past the trees and up her sundress, sending an electric shiver throughout her body. She had reached a slow part of the book, and put it down on the table next to the lounge chair. Taking a rubber band from her wrist, she put her beautiful blonde hair up into a messy bun and reclined backwards. Allowing her knees to drift further apart, her thighs are hit by another summer breeze, curving it’s way along her buttocks and around her sex, billowing the edge of the dress outwards. She closed her eyes and imagined the gentle wind was actually her lover, gently caressing her, carrying for her needs in the most tender way. Her hand slowly slid down her side, brushing against her body all the way down to waist level where it found the edge of her panties through the dress. Running her fingers along the seam, touching even so lightly, the same feeling as Connie had begun to start floating around in her head. Another breeze pushed her dress open a little more and her hand snuck in quickly. The index finger resumed petting the edge of the seam. Softly the edge of her finger touched her skin and making ever so slight pressure along the seam of her undergarment. The hypnotic back and forth smooth motion entranced her, and once again a soft breeze lifted her dress and tickled her thighs, but this time it felt cooler, hitting the slight condensation on her panties. She squeezed her eyes tighter as she slipped four fingers under the fabric seam, sliding them slowly closer to her pleasure center, grasping the hem and pushing her panties down to her knees. She starts slowly tracing her sacred folds with the tips of her fingers, slowly just as she did with the seam. Suddenly Mandy heard the click of the backyard gate opening, she jumped slightly, trance broken, and quickly removed her hand from her loins. She tucked her dress back down flat, and grabbed her book, once again holding it above her head.
She tried to appear as normal as possible as her husband, Brad, rounded the corner of the house. He saw her and stopped, looking her up and down. She looked casually up at him, pretending to have been reading and blew him a kiss, not realizing that in the heat of her attempted cover up she forgot the simple detail of pulling her panties up from around her knees.
Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/23vl6n/first_time_writing_erotica_for_my_class_couldnt
I think you should write what you know, why just straight away into having a woman as a point of view character.
Female perspective was the majority of the stories we read in the class so it is what I know better than anything else. The class was analyzing erotica and then our final assignment is to write this short piece
You need to learn how to use ‘ before you do anything else.
Yeah I have a serious problem of not using apostrophes :( My fingers appear to be apostrophobic…
I was more referring to your spelling of couldn’t.
It seems like you are comfortable with the descriptions, looking for things that might evoke sensual connection with the character. The feeling of wind against the skin, the coolness of moisture, etc. You also have a nice clear beginning middle and end of the story, even though it’s short. What I feel you are missing, is some basic story elements that would probably not have been forgotten if you had not been writing erotica. I believe that even when writing a sexy scene, there needs to be purpose, intention, direction, and motivation behind the character’s actions. Let’s take a clinical and objective overview of your story and see if it is convincing to you: * She reads a book * She gets turned on * She waits for an excuse to touch herself in the privacy of her own back yard * She lets herself touch herself * She pretends she wasn’t doing anything when her husband comes home * She forgets her panties There really is nothing happening here and as a result we are relying *entirely* on the sexual provocation of the physical events in the story. You have some nice language and metaphors, but at this time you’re trying to convince us that what is happening is sexy based on your description style alone. Instead, let’s take a look at the four points I mention above to see if we can add some dynamism to the scene. * Purpose: Why is she in the back yard? Why is she reading a book? Why does she specifically find that particular book arousing? Why is she hesitant to masturbate? * Intention: What is she hoping to accomplish by reading the book or masturbating? * Direction: What is her most likely destination based on her direction at the beginning? How does this change in the middle? Where is she going when the story ends? * Motivation: How does she feel about reading the book, being touched by the wind, the exposure of her parts to the wind, masturbating in the back yard, being caught by her husband… If you come up with simple answers (only a few words) to each of the above questions you will have an infinitely stronger story and something much more gripping, exciting, and arousing to read. Don’t be afraid to get creative with her answers. Maybe she finds that book arousing because a character reminds her of the mail man and that’s why she feels embarrassed when her husband catches her. Maybe she’s hiding in the back yard because she doesn’t feel there’s anywhere to get some peace since her mother in law came to stay. Maybe she needs to wait for the wind to push her skirt out of the way because she belongs to a cult that doesn’t allow her to undress herself, but she uses the wind as a loophole and is titillated by the cheekiness of it all. How does she feel, why is she doing the things in the story, where is her character headed, what does she think will happen?
Thanks for the great in-depth feedback! I don’t have much play word count wise but I will definitely try and work on editing in some of your suggestions! You mention how does the story change in the middle through her intention, well this was actually only the first half of the first draft. In the first draft she actually hid everything from her husband and didn’t forget her panties, but when he comes over to greet her there is still a sexually charged air about her and it lead to him masturbating her in a spontaneous act of tender sex between the two characters. Right when I was reaching about 4 pages I realized that the project could only be two pages so I cut the story in half and worked on creating the art that ends in a somewhat cliff hanger as you read. Just thought that background might offer some insight into why some things were the way they ended up. Thanks again for the feedback! I’m going to take it seriously and put it to good use :)
No problem. Word count is not your problem, it’s what to do with your word count that’s a problem. There is no minimum quota of words that is required to write something sexy, so allocate more of your words to creating a dynamic scene and then you only need a few words to excite. Imagine a similar story (just for an example, not a suggestion) where you don’t know what she’s doing with her left hand as she reads with her right. Her thoughts and observations could reveal an interesting story that becomes highly eroticized in the last sentence when she has an orgasm and you find out she’s been masturbating the whole time.
What subject is the assigent for?