My ex-wife Fiona had a… complicated relationship with her sexuality. And her self-image. And, well, a complicated relationship with Jesus, which really didn’t really help things in any of these areas. Ever felt like you were being cuckolded by the Lord? Or just me?
But anyway, to give you an idea of why I’m telling you this true story about the pregnant sex, I should describe our normal sex. (And hopefully, sharing the embarrassing bits will help establish my veracity, I mean after all, who would go on the Internet and just tell lies? To quote a great webcomic (SMBC), this is “proof by mortification”)
Our regular sex followed a rather specific routine.
1. Every three to six months, she tells me she desires sex.
2. I rub her clit through her clothing for 15 – 20 minutes until she’s sufficiently aroused to remove her clothing. I’m not allowed to kiss her, or touch her breasts during this. (I may have developed formidable forearm muscles during this marriage.)
3. Wait, no, hang on, before she takes off her clothing, first I have to turn off the lights. All the lights. And make sure the curtains are properly closed! Okay, now she can remove her clothing. Read more »