*One of my best friends found out I blogged about sex and got jealous because she is quite adventurous. She’s still single so I live vicariously through her. Her sex stories are hilarious.*
*I told her I would feature her if she let me ask her whatever I wanted and transcribe our conversation. So I realize this is an odd GWS format, but I promise she has great stories. I had to alter this slightly because we kept getting off track, but enjoy.*
V: Do you want to pick a name?
S: Wait. Do you have a fake name?
V: Yeah, I go by Viola.
S: Seriously?
V: It’s my blog, fuck off.
S: Ok, then call me Sasha. That’s the fake name I give out when guys hit on me.
V: How do we know each other?
S: We met at a BBQ after I went on a terrible date and have been friends for 7 years or so.
V: So you’re single in… Do you want to pick a fake city?
S: Gotham.
V: Seriously?
S: Yeah.
V: What’s it like being single in Gotham?
S: It’s like having every option available and none. So there are 6 women for every 1 man, and they’re all rich and full of themselves.
V: Luckily you’re not just into men.
S: Yeah, thank god.
V: How do you identify?
S: Pan I guess. You?
V: I still say bi but idk what I am. Wait… have we made out?
S: Seriously? Yes. A few times.
V: I just now remembered that.
S: I used to make out with [my straight best friend] all the time.
V: What? She’s straight.
S: Yeah, but she’s a good kisser.
V: God, we were all weird.
S: And then you went and got married.
V: What’s the weirdest date you’ve been on?
S: I have so many. The day before we went into lockdown I went on a date. We accidentally wore the same outfit that should have been our first sign. He liked “Cather in the Rye” which should have been the second sign. Basically, he shit on everything I loved to the point when he went to the bathroom the bartender next to me told me I should leave. I ended up leaving the bar with a girl instead. He wasn’t happy.
V: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done in bed.
S: You first.
V: It’s hard to quantify. I licked cum off the floor once.
S: Seriously? Why?
V: A dude told me to.
S: You never told me that one. I guess I just dated a dude who had a lot of kinks. The first time we fucked he flipped me over like I was a propeller. He put me over his knee and spanked me until I said I’d be a good girl.
V: Fuck, that’s hot.
S: Yeah and he was into weird things… Like he had a penis pump and liked hot wax a little too much. He was king of edging though which I wasn’t into.
V: You don’t like edging???
S: Sometimes but not EVERY time. I have shit to do. You need to give me my time.
V: What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had.
S: Oh my god. Ok. I was dating someone for a while and I came to his place and he broke up with me, but asked if I still wanted to have sex. I was down. It was January so I thought I’d fuck him until the Spring. Gotham gets too cold to find a new partner in winter. So I’m on top and we’re fucking and he asks if I want to try something. He pulls out a rope from his drawer. The thing was, I had seen that drawer the day before. So at some point within that 24-hour window, this dude had decided to break up with me AND bought a rope in case I was still down to fuck with bondage. He didn’t even know how to tie knots so I had to teach him like we were in Girlscouts. He got off, but that ruined the magic for me.
V: Dude, what? He sounds… interesting.
S: I attract weird people.
V: What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?
S: Probably when I lost my virginity.
V: Seriously? That’s refreshing.
S: Yeah we had been together three years. We broke up because we were going to college but decided to have sex before. Like we high-fived and everything. We got a hotel room and it was so sweet. He was also good at sex all things considered. We had chips and guac after. It was so sweet.
V: I know very few people who describe their first time like that.
S: There was another time that stands out. It started off terrible. I almost shit myself because Gotham has no bathrooms and he had to wait for me in his lobby while I got sick (*she’s lactose intolerant*). He was really, really nice about it and convinced me to stay and took care of me until I felt better. That night Gotham had fireworks and I climaxed while I was on top and looked out the window to watch them. It was just sweet and intimate. Plus he kissed me a lot during sex.
V: I hate kissing during sex.
S: Yeah, you would.
V: These stories are not what I expected.
S: Why?
V: Like my best sex stories are usually really degrading, and so many of your stories are crazy. You just like really intimate sex though.
S: With guys…
V: And with women?
S: I get really weird… Like I fisted an Orthodox jew the other night.
V: What?
S: Yeah. I’m a switch so I dom women. Generally, lesbian sex takes too long.
V: Dude, this is so weird. I fuck for hours.
S: I’m tight and it hurts. How do you do it?
V: Oh because it’s not all penetration. I play with my food before I eat it.
S: Sometimes with guys that doesn’t feel like an option. They just go for it.
V: That’s depressing.
*Men of Gotham, do better.*
V: What’s the weirdest thing you like in bed.
S: I’ve never said this to anyone, but I have a tights fetish… As in I like getting tights torn off me.
V: That’s so hot. Are you into underwear being torn off too? That used to be my thing.
S: have you seen how expensive my underwear is? Hell no.
V: Ok tell me more sex stories.
S: Oh! There was “The Count.”
V: What? I don’t know this story.
S: I dated a dude who was a physical therapist. I thought he’d be able to pop my back whenever I wanted. We were fucking and he started counting from 1-6 over-and-over. When I asked what he was doing he told me he was trying not to come. Afterwards he said it was amazing.
V: Dude, I had a dude do that to me.
S: Did we fuck the same guy?
V: Doubtful, this was in France. Have we ever fucked the same person?
S: Nah, we just had some overlap with make-outs.
I want to be clear I have never fucked this girl… Even though I probably would.
S: Oh! I once dated someone with the same name as me.
V: Did you scream your own name?
S: Hell no. I never do that anyway. I have to disassociate when I’m fucking. I bet you scream names, right?
V: When I’m told.
S: God you’re such a sub.
V: Wait, do you role play?
S: Always. Last Halloween my boyfriend and I dressed as a student and a professor. He spanked me with a ruler after. Have you done that?
V: No, I just fucked my professor instead.
S: Way to one-up me.
V: You literally dom’d a dude at a sex club last week. I don’t think I can one-up you.
S: Oh! Also a weird story, I dated a dude who used to like it when I had sex with other people. He’d tell me who to fuck and then make me tell him all about it. He said he’d physically watch his last girlfriend fuck. He also would leave random things out and tell me how to fuck myself with them when he was gone.
V: Dude, that’s so hot.
*And then we went to yoga together so the interview had to end. She’s a gem though.*