[MF] Princess in the Castle (How I risked death and battled monsters to get laid)

I remember looking up at her apartment through the windshield of my car while I idled in neutral at the bottom of an impossibly steep hill. I drive stick at the time, and in the middle of winter the winding road leading up to the building would turn into an icy death course. One small mistake, whether it was giving it too much gas or not enough, would mean my car could slide back and off the road where I would surely begin cart wheeling end over end until I exploded in a bal of flames. (Either that or id have to call a tow truck to get me out of the ditch. Either way it meant I wouldn’t be making it up to the princess in the castle.)

They don’t write songs about the guys who turn around and go home to jerk off. They don’t write songs about horny college guys trying to get laid either, but I was pumping myself up. In the movies this is where the rock and roll would kick in and the hero would drop the car into gear and slam his foot on the gas.

[MF] I’d totally fuck a baby into you

She and I had known one another for years but only recently bonded over a shared Spotify playlist and a love for music. She was married, so I didn’t think much of her text messages. Just friendly banter, nothing over the line. I didn’t find out she was getting divorced until she told me over drinks at a bar one night while she was back in town for a long weekend.

When she was done venting she shifted the conversation to a more philosophical, approaching the age of 30 type of conversation.

“Do you ever want children?” She asked.

I said sure, with the right kind of woman. We carried on the line of conversation about how incredibly important it is to choose carefully when bringing life into the world. We each discussed horror stories and things we’ve heard about ugly custody battles or terrible parents.

“I’m not sure if I want kids. I mean, I do…but this world is so insane now. I don’t know if it’s fair to bring a kid into this mess.”

[MF] treating her like her entire purpose was to make me cum

She got a knock on the door 5 minutes after I left the first time I had my way with her. It was her neighbor, checking to make sure she was okay, wondering if the police needed to be involved. I felt bad. What happens in the bedroom is meant to stay there, and I didn’t mean to embarrass her by making her stand in front of her neighbor shortly after being completely used.

But she wasn’t embarrassed. In fact, she wanted more. I guess we unlocked something in her that day, and she trusted me enough to invite me over again, and again, and again. Over the course of 6 months, for one or two hours a week, she stopped being a person. Sometimes she would look at me and tell me that she was shocked by how much she enjoyed it, but I would just run my fingers through her hair and tell her that she just needed to meet the right guy who appreciated her in ways that other guys weren’t capable off.

First Date at the drive in [MF]

She informed me that she canceled her plans with a guy she had been seeing recently.

“We aren’t dating or anything, he’s like 40 and recently divorced.” She said. She was in her early 20s and as our conversation went on it was clear that she was delighted by the fact that she had an “older man” so interested in her.

I live in an area with a drive in movie theater and I realize now a drive in movie theater is a rare thing in our modern times. I’ve come to be extremely appreciative of the drive in theater and the memories I have sitting in lawn chairs with my friends and enjoying a double feature.

This wasn’t one of those “hang out with friends” kind of nights. This was a first date with an attractive young woman who I had been talking to for a week or two and canceled plans with another guy because she “had never been to a drive in movie before and always wanted to go to one.”

I suggested we take her SUV because it had ample room in the back to lay down and truly appreciate the cinematic experience that makes you feel like you’ve traveled back in time to the 1950’s.