In my imagination, I had pictured him towering over me, larger than life and unquestionably dominant; in truth, he was only slightly taller than I was and only marginally more broad across the shoulder. In fact, I was incredulous at how normal he was, so friendly and welcoming as he answered the door. A stark contrast to the hypersexual, pseudo-domineering persona he’d put across online. In my secret sexual fantasies, I had played this encounter out repeatedly, never considering what the initial “hello, I’m here” scenario would look like, but I guess after all, we were just two ordinary men meeting in the hope of having fun.
For all my choosiness on Grindr, my push to keep this excursion anonymous and the countless lies I’d sold myself about how this would be a onetime deal; I found myself feeling unusually self-conscious in his company. He was more handsome in real life than I had anticipated and I felt keen for him to like me back. Odd feeling for a straight guy to have, I reflected, especially since I didn’t even know his name. He invited me in with a smile and I awkwardly started taking my trainers off at the door, thumbling for words just as much as for my shoelaces, wondering what the right small talk is for an occasion like this and trying not to fall over.