TW: Mention of abusive relationships!
I’ve never liked being alone. It’s harder to drown out the darkness, the nagging self doubt filled voice in my head telling me discouraging things as I slump through day to day life, trying to maintain a feeling of adulthood. Trying to mask the scared little girl lurking just below the surface.
When I left my last relationship I told myself I had to be alone. To heal and recover from years (starting in HS and ending in my early 20s) of mentally, verbally, and physically abusive charades subjugated upon me by my ex.
As soon as I found myself single I became a different type of miserable. While my last relationship had been terrible I missed the good things that come from a relationship (even a rocky one). Sleeping alone, eating alone, watching stupid meme clips on YouTube alone. Wash, rinse, repeat, wash, rinse, repeat. All alone.
It was like I was a ghost. I felt hollow and invisible. I no longer had to deal with violent rampages or uncertainty. Now I just had to deal with my own mundane tasks, the blandness of the expected. Had I always felt the need to live for someone else? Or was this a learned behavior?