Author: LenrySpoister

The Plumber’s Shame

Mario was the horniest he’d ever been. 

He could feel the strain of his hard Italian cock pressed up against his overalls. He stomped down the dark corridor, ridiculing himself for his inability to score tonight. 

Used to be, I couldn’t keep them off me. Used to be, earning the privilege to suck off Super Mario was enough to earn your living for a year just by selling your story to a tabloid. Used to be, life didn’t seem so sad. 

A toad whose name he could never recall tripped over his little feet in an effort to open the castle door for Mario to exit. “Why the fuck do they all look the same?” he muttered under his breath. If I was in charge we’d skin the freaks and turn their swollen heads into 1UPs. 

He untied the rains of his latest Yoshi, sneering at another Toad manning the stables as he placed his feet in the stirrups. The effort to climb into the saddle fouled his mood even less – when was the last time he had the strength to jump into the saddle? Used to be he’d triple jump just for the hell of it. Now he risked throwing his back out before he’d even got out the door. Read more »

Monkey Love

As the door opened to his cell, Bingo scurried towards the barrel in the corner and lept in, pulling the lid tight overhead. Peering through thumb-sized holes between slats, his primate eyes strained to see. 

Bingo was but a simple chimpanzee, carried on this pleasure cruise as a gift for Emperor Zingwad of Persia, the destination for Captain Bart’s ship which had sailed from Greece three days ago. Bingo’s poorly evolved brain had no appreciation for the decadence this ship offered, and no knowledge of the political aspirations of Captain Bart, with his twin goals of impressing passengers with such luxury, while cozying up to Emperor Zingwad with exotic gifts from foreign lands. No, in this moment, Bingo hungered for coconuts while fearing his trainer had returned to beat him with a stick.

His forest ears noticed that the footsteps entering his room were lighter than his trainer’s. Dull thoughts slugged across his mind, fearing predator but hoping for friend. 

“Is anyone here?” a voice squeaked out. While Bingo obviously did not understand these all-too-human words, he knew it to be a female primate, putting him at ease. She stepped forward, out of shadows and into the weak sunlight of a porthole. Pale, silk-wrapped legs beneath a slim, bodiced frame, and giant mammalian breasts spilling out, distracting from her soft, sagging face.  Read more »

AOC & Ted Cruz Fantasy

I have this fantasy where I’m Ted Cruz and AOC is trying to get a bill passed for climate change. As Ted I hate it, and I hate every time I see her stand up and wax poetic about it. I think “money doesn’t grow on melon trees! You think you can just shake your money tree and get off enough cash from it??”

For weeks I just stew and stew and get pissed off about it. I tweet sarcastically about it, I tweet about if she stopped spending as much on” sexy “outfits she could have paid to fix climate change by now, I go to rallies and talk about how this young fiery Latino is trying to tell us how to live.

Then one day I’m browsing Twitter on a late night at the office and getting ready to head home to a meal cooked by my beautiful wife. I turn around and grab my coat off the rack, and then towards the door. AOC is standing there.

“Ted,” she says, “I notice you’ve been tweeting a lot of opposition to my bill” she says. “but I’ve also noticed that you can’t seem to keep your eyes off of me when I speak about it, Ted” she says. Read more »