Confessional

I saw the church on the grey horizon miles before I felt compelled to drive up to it. It was rickety looking, even from a ways away, like something out of *Scary Stories To Tell In the Dark.* The splintered, weathered boards holding it together were a faded beige, singed with black bits and chipped (white?) paint from decades before. I absently drove in its direction. Mesmerized, robotic actions guided me up the winding hill it sat atop.

There were no other cars here. It looked long abandoned, despite the still functional and newish wooden doors. I approached the front steps, an odd energy permeating my senses. It felt like there was a force pulling me into the structure. I didn’t feel like I was choosing any of it. I had certainly driven myself there, but it all felt so unconscious.

The massive oak doors opened into a rather well-maintained vestibule. Flyers and organized piles of pamphlets made it suddenly clear that this was a functioning church. It opened into a surprisingly opulent nave lined with red carpets and two rows of 12 or so richly brown pews. A series of candles lightly illuminated the room, aided by the striking late afternoon sunlight via the long, narrow windows. The altar was flanked by a massive stained-glass window, depicting a crucified Jesus weeping long tears of blood. It was pretty ominous, but years of Catholic school had pretty much desensitized me to the more heavy-handed aspects of religion.

The Red Eye Flight

“Goddammit,” I said, hitting the blunt. “I do *not* want to take this flight tonight.” I exhaled and a cloud of thick smoke filled the car. The slightly opened windows yanked most of the smoke out into the night air, but a thick mass of vapor remained. I passed the partially smoked cigar up to my Uber driver, Tony.

“Legit, man,” he consorted. His words were creaky as spoke, holding the smoke in his lungs. “Long flight?”

“Yeah, like 5 hours or so. At least it’s direct. I can’t hub in Denver anymore. That tram annoys me to no end.” Tony hit it again at my insistence. I was already crazy high. Completely flaking on the fact that I even *had* the blunt on me, I was fortunate to have had a late night driver who smoked. Otherwise it would’ve ended up in the trash outside the airport drop-off area.

“Cool, yeah. You comfy back there? Air okay?” He said, a little dazed. I appreciated his commitment to his job, even as I was encouraging him to ignore its restrictions. “For sure, man. Feelin’ great, really,” I laughed.

Pizza Bitch Cum Machine

I had been out of work for a while when I finally caved and took a job delivering pizzas. It was humiliating, the hours were terrible and I hated myself daily, but it brought in enough money to make ends meet.

Really, I’m a musician. I’ve been playing guitar since I was 5. After years of attempting (*failing*) to become a famous rock star, I had relegated myself to joining a cover band. Playing “Summer Breeze” nightly did kill my soul a bit, but the band I was in had enough local success to enable us paid gigs, 5 nights a week. It was lucrative and I was able to make it my full-time job, until my fall fucked all that up.

The midwestern town I call home has brutal winters; just the bane of the population’s existence. The soul-crushingly low temperatures create horrific ice patches on the roads and sidewalks. Walking to get my mail one morning, I misjudged the stability of one of these swaths of ice and took a nasty spill, breaking my wrist on the concrete.

The Pregnant Woman on the Ferris Wheel

It was a sweltering day in the middle of July, and FunWorld was packed. I was accompanying my girlfriend of just over three years, Lisa, and her parents, who annually met extended family here for reunions. These familial gatherings were a fairly exhausting exercise, putting on a nice face and talking about my job or whatever other trivial tidbit to 20 different 2nd tier cousins. Standard obligatory boyfriend stuff, but I was still relieved when Lisa and I could break off and do our own thing.

The sun was hanging sexily low in the sky, bathing the amusement park in that magic, yellow-orange, late afternoon summer light. It made Lisa’s platinum blonde bob glisten. We got a funnel cake and sat near a directory sign that laid out the major landmarks of the park.

“What do you feeling like riding?” I asked her.

“Ooooh The Devil’s Dirge!” she excitedly suggested.

This coaster was the park’s newest attraction: one of those towering, loop-filled, highest-allowable-speed-and-height kind of monstrosities.

“Yeeesssss! Think the line is still super long?” We’d considered riding earlier, but the wait was around 3 hours.

Root Canal Relief (l o n g)

One afternoon, I woke up sharply from an unplanned nap to a searing pain in my back molar. The hot, focused agony was unique in its strength. I’ve certainly felt sensitivity in my teeth before (a childhood spent loving sweets taught me all about that), but this was clearly different.

I rushed to the bathroom and downed 4 Extra Strength Bayer, the cool tap water causing a fresh sting on the way. I breathed sharply through clenched teeth. This was a nightmarish pain that I needed immediate care for. I did a long, thorough rinse with Listerine and that helped a bit, but it was evident I needed medical attention.

I pulled out my phone and ran a search for nearby dentists. Through some miraculous stroke of fortune, I had only recently acquired dental insurance through my job. Despite the pain I was feeling, this revelation caused me a needed emotional boost.

The search had found a few well-rated dentists nearby, but in my post-nap, ache-plagued disorientation I had failed to notice that it was 5:30. Nearly all of these were closed. One had hours until 6:30, so I grabbed my keys and rushed out the door.

Sister-In-Law Sleeping Seduction

My wife Julia has been fairly estranged from her Mom for large parts of her life. They’ve always just rubbed one another the wrong way and have found it best to keep a safe distance between them. Still, a few times a year we’ll make the trek out to see her Mom and Julia’s half-sister, Autumn.

Last August, Julia and I begrudgingly opted to make the hour-long drive to attend her Mom’s 50th birthday party. We weren’t jazzed about it, but felt we should get in our time now and maybe skip Thanksgiving there in a few months.

It was sticky hot that day. Julia’s mother Anne lived in a cookie-cutter neighborhood just on the city side of the boonies. It was simultaneously nice and trashy. Regardless, she had an in-ground pool which was heavily occupied with party goers due to the late summer mugginess. After Julia and I grabbed a few beers, we made our way to the edge of the pool. That’s when Autumn emerged from the water, lighting up at our arrival.