Author: ChrisBoden

[MMF] Barbecue Sauce – The White Guy In The Wrong Place

And you wonder why I don’t go to parties…

It was New Year’s Eve in a year that wasn’t a multiple of five, so nobody cared. I was doing what nerds typically do on such an obvious night for partying, sitting at home on my computer and avoiding the world. I generally avoided recreational pharmaceuticals because I could never figure out if it’s stupid people that do drugs, or if it’s the drugs that make you stupid. Drinking was never a hobby of mine because I never considered puking my brains out and sleeping on someone’s front lawn as my idea of “having a good time”. That combined with my affinity for social awkwardness meant I’ve never really been one for the party scene.

So, the high point of my evening was the random cute blonde girl who started messaging me out of the blue.

I had responded to her ad on a now long-defunct dating website, and we gently hit it off. This evening was our first real conversation beyond initial pleasantries as our orbits came into alignment, and we spent several hours doing the delicate dance of seeing if any of our fundamental traits would instantly terrify or offend the other. The problem with online dating is that it’s filled with people who are at a point in their life where they think online dating is a good idea. Read more »

The Deerhunter Story, It’s hard being a teenager. [MF]

These days, they would say she had an “anxiety disorder” or some boring clinical DSM-5 label like that. But back then as a 90’s teenager we just said she was “wound a little tight”.

And she was.

Her kid brother and I were in the same grade. He was way too cool to be hanging out with me regularly, but he’d introduced his sister to me and we hit it right off. Her and I were built nearly identically, both tall and rail thin. She was blonde, and had incredible legs that made the Eight-Dollar Uber all the way from her ass to the ground. She was plain as paper and nearly as flat. She only wore a bra for emotional support, and to keep from walking around with her high-beams on all day.

She was cute, but in the kind of way where you had to get to know her to see it. Most people never got that far, and she had long ago locked her heart away deep enough that the average guy would get bored and pull the eject handle inside of the first month. Read more »

A Lesson In Oral Sex, Against Impossible Odds – “Knitting” [MF]

Show me a man who doesn’t give oral, and I’ll show you how to steal his girl.

To say that I’m a fan of oral sex is the understatement of the century. Short of the judicious application of power tools, I have never known anything that would drive a woman to orgasm so powerfully, reliably, and repeatedly.

As Robin Williams taught us “Bring a lunch, stay for the day.”

I was living in the city of Kalamazoo at the time. Yes, it’s a real place, no you don’t actually want to visit. Kalamazoo is a great place to be from, and there’s a long list of reasons that the majority of people who live there only do it for a few years.

But if you have to suffer, there’s no reason not to do it in style. It’s a college town and I was living on Stanwood street in the heart of the student ghetto. I had a small liberal arts college off the end of my driveway, an old state university at the other end of the block, and hot and cold running pussy abound at all times of day and night. The women of Kalamazoo were beautiful, plentiful, and even if you couldn’t find Miss Right, you could certainly find Miss Right Now. Read more »

The Penultimate Blowjob Story That Will Scar You For Life [MF]

There’s a lot of stories about medical professionals and their quiet acts of often invisible heroism in the news right now. I thought that this week, I would share one of my own stories about them. Because while they are absolutely heroes in our midst, some of those life-saving stories and incredible acts come with a laugh or two along the way.

These laughs, as they often do, come at my expense. It’s a price I gladly pay to give you a much needed moment to breathe in all of the hell we are enduring together throughout the world right now.

Enjoy,
Chris

Yes, I know, I’m a complete fucking idiot. Let’s just get that out of the way from the start. My only defense was that I was a teenager in the 90’s at the time, and my dick was doing most of the thinking for me. On the whole, I’m a reasonably intelligent guy. My dick however, is much like one of those morons you meet who is all balls, no brains. Despite the fact that thinking with my dick got me through highschool at the top of my class, it has proven itself repeatedly to have no memory, no conscience, and what I will simply classify as “questionable moral fiber”. Read more »