Author: before-my-wife

[MF] We broke (almost) every bed in the hostel

*Once upon a time, my girlfriend and I were backpacking through the Scottish Highlands.*

It was a magical trip and I enjoyed it very much. We were there in the dead of winter – over Christmas, in fact – going from small city to small city to enjoy the sights and beautiful landscapes. Although there was one downside to our trip: it got dark *early*.

*Like, the sun set at 4pm sharp.*

Christine and I didn’t mind, though. That just meant that we had more time for, ahem, activities.

I forget exactly where we were – maybe Inverness? – and we’d bunked down at a hostel for the night. We were lucky to have been able to find one that had private rooms, which meant that we could go ahead and do said activities without worry.

*For those that don’t remember my earliest stories, I dated Christine for a year, 10 months of which were long distance. That meant that when we did see each other, we tended to jump each others’ bones. A lot.*

This is the story of how those poor, underpaid hostel workers came to hate us. Read more »

[MF] Call it fate, Karma, or Destiny – the universe wanted me to have sex with her

*Once upon a time, I almost had a threesome.*

Some of my first stories were about Christine. We dated for a year, and it was a crazy, sex-fueled year. We burned out hot and fast and when it was over, we both crashed. It was a whole thing.

One day near the end of the relationship Christine turned her phone to me and showed me a picture of her friend. “Hey, B, do you think Sonia is hot?”

*This, gentlemen, is what’s usually called a “trap”.*

I hummed and hawed and avoided answering. Christine looked at me disapprovingly. “Look, all I want to know is if you’d fuck her.”

“Christine, why are you asking me this?” I said, trying to get out of answering.

“Because I think fucking her together would be fun, and also I’m 90% sure she’d be down.”

*Yeah, ok, in that case I would absolutely fuck your friend.* Read more »

[MF] Three Signs Your First Date Is Going Well

*None of these are really full “stories” but I wanted to tell them anyways. So, here we go: three signs your first date is going well.*

**Part One.**

*You know a date is going well when she absolutely ruins your sense of self but you still want to make out with her.*

I’ve written extensively about how I went to a liberal arts program at uni. So needless to say, I am the “artsy” one of my friend group, the one who still buys DVDs, goes to film festivals, who thinks art galleries are the best dates.

*They absolutely are, btw. Keep reading for proof.*

So when I met Becky, I thought “finally, someone I could totally vibe with, who shares my artsy interests.” And I was wrong. Because if I was an 8 on the arsty scale, Becky went all the way up to 11. Not only had she heard of all my favourite obscure films, she had complex and nuanced opinions on them. Read more »

[MF] A Tender Evening with my very tall, Dutch coworker

Once upon a time, my coworker and I started playing footsies with each other.

In our defense, our desks faced each other and Meike was tall. Actually tall. 6’3” tall. Meike is Dutch, a slim blonde-haired, blue-eyed bombshell that seriously made me think about moving to the Netherlands. In the summer her pale skin would get sprinkled with delicate freckles.

We would accidentally kick each other under our desks, mostly because my posture is garbage and led to my legs being on her “side” of the desk. Eventually those kicks became walks when we needed a break – we worked on the same projects so often needed to vent to each other about idiotic clients and the like.

And eventually we started talking about more than just work. Meike was younger – just 23 at the time – but was dating a guy a couple of years older than I was. Things were apparently a bit rocky, and she liked to live vicariously through me and listen to my single-life stories.

Nothing ever happened of course. She was really cute but anytime I noticed that I tamped those feelings down. She was a coworker, and also not-single. It would have been a bad idea. Read more »

[MF] The time I hooked up with a Groupie

Once upon a time, I was a gigantic nerd.

Back in High School I used to compete in this huge international Nerd Competition. My school was good – really good – and regularly competed for the World Championship of Nerd-dom. And after I graduated I continued to mentor my old team, coming back and helping them prepare for competitions and stuff like that.

*Sidenote: I think everyone should mentor youth groups – and not just because chicks find it hot.*

Anyways, we’d crushed the regular season as per usual, which meant going down to the World Championships. This was a huge event, with more than 400 teams from around the world. We took over a whole city for a week – it was a big deal.

Having checked the kids into their hotel rooms, a bunch of us mentors found ourselves at the hotel bar, which was also being taken over by parents and mentors from around the world. In particular, my eyes kept drifting towards a particular other table where a cute girl was sitting. She was blonde, with a cute button nose; she was wearing a baggy team sweater. Read more »

I [M] “came out” as straight to my friends [FF] Pt 6 FINALE

Once upon a time, Clara and Phoebe were both naked, on my bed, and sucking my cock. How on earth did this happen? Let’s back up a bit.

If you’ve been following along with these stories, you’ll know everyone. Phoebe was the Girl Who Almost Got Away (until she very much didn’t). Then there was Clara, another friend who jumped on the opportunity to fuck me as often as she could. (I have links to the previous stories at the bottom of this post)

I was regularly hooking up with both of them. It was funny to compare their booty-call styles: Phoebe was very coy and would make up excuses for me to come over. Clara was the opposite: she’d text me and demand my dick at a moment’s notice. I didn’t keep it a secret from either of them, but it was definitely a don’t ask, don’t tell sort of situation.

*Or at least, so I thought.*

In retrospect I should have known better. Clara only started hooking up with me because Phoebe had told her about my dick. I should have assumed that they’d have gushed to each other, swapping stories and the like about me. Read more »

I [M] “came out” as straight to my friends [F] Pt 5

Once upon a time, I was waking up in Phoebe’s sex-soaked bed.

After four years of build-up, we’d finally fucked each other’s brains out. There were ropes. There was name calling. There was all that dirty shit and more. I woke up the next morning feeling like the luckiest guy in the world.

*In all honestly, at that moment I probably was.*

I yawned and stretched. Phoebe stirred beside me but didn’t wake up. I slipped away and went to see what she had in the kitchen for breakfast. Before you comment, yes, we did regularly raid each other’s fridges.

After poking around I found what I needed. I put the coffee on, and twenty minutes later I woke Phoebe up with pancakes, coffee, and whipped cream.

*I wish I could say they were “from scratch” – Phoebe had a box of just-add-water pancake mix.*

She smiled up at me. “You made me breakfast?”

“I figure I should treat you well.”

She scrunched her nose and sprayed whipped cream on the pancakes. Then, after regarding the can for a bit, sprayed some directly on her tits. Read more »

I [M] “came out” as straight to my friends [FFF] Pt 4

*I know this is a lot of build up but it’s worth it, I swear. The sexy stuff is after the — if you want to skip ahead.*

Once upon a time, I was finally about to seal the deal with a friend.

So far I’ve told you stories about how my friend Phoebe was blowing me when I accidentally came in her mouth (she did not like that – it was not Her Thing). Then I started hooking up with my friend Clara. Then I slept with my friend Chelsea.

*We had an incestuous little group.*

I had assumed that all of this was above-board. After all, apparently all three were talking about me and my dick amongst themselves, anyways. Just a few weeks before, all three of them had thought that I was gay because I hadn’t shown any interest in them. Now that they knew that I wasn’t, I thought that they were all just making up for lost time.

But one morning I woke up to a text from Clara: “B, I think we need to talk. Phoebe is mad.”

*That’s the last kind of text you want to receive, right?* Read more »

I [M] “came out” as straight to my friends [FFF] Pt 3

Once upon a time, all of my friends thought that I was gay, and now they were learning that I absolutely wasn’t.

It was a great time to be me. The last time I updated you, I told you about how I started hooking up with Clara. We’d kept it up, not really making it a secret that we were fucking. Phoebe wasn’t taking this particularly well, but Clara was keeping me happy, so I didn’t particularly care.

*I’d made whatever apologies I could for our first encounter – the rest was on her.*

Anyways, one night few weeks later, I was working hard on my final project on campus when Chelsea came to see me. Chels was a classic punkish liberal-arts lady: she wore her strawberry blonde hair straight and long, and usually pouring out of a toque. Nose ring? Check. Heavy eyeliner? Check. Classic Rage against the Machine shirts? Checkeroni.

“Dude, I’m so fucking bored,” Chelsea said, leaning against the door to the glorified closet I was working in. “How goes the work?”

“I’m going in circles,” I replied, rubbing my eyes. “I swear I’m going to dream of this stuff tonight.” Read more »

I [M] “came out” as straight to my friends [FFF] Pt 2

Once upon a time, I had come out to my friends… as straight.

They had been complaining about the lack of straight, eligible bachelors in our uni program, which is how I learned that all three of them – and probably many others – were convinced I was gay.

I’m not gay, for the record. A fact that I proved later that night when I accidentally came in my friend Phoebe’s mouth. Strangely enough she wasn’t talking to me much after that event.

*There’s nothing wrong with being gay, but apparently the only reason my friends weren’t fucking me was because they thought that I was.*

“I hear you really fucked up a shot with Phoebe,” Clara told me a few weeks later. Clara was short, with heavily hooded eyes and pale skin. She had a thing for red lipsticks and video games.

I blinked. “What did Phoebe tell you?”

“Only that she’s never gonna blow you again, great dick or no.” Seeing my face, Clara laughed at me. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”

“Yeah… it wasn’t my finest moment.” We were sitting in the middle of the library and I was honestly gobsmacked that Clara had chosen this moment to talk about my dick. Read more »