Author: AllTheBoysIveFckedB4

My sister is my Eskimo sister [MF]

I’m still horrified by this story.

So I’m chill with all my exes. Sincerely, I’m friends with almost everyone I’ve ever dated or fucked.

This has unfortunately made for some tricky situations in that I’m so chill folks sometimes forget who I have slept with.

My sister is also older than me but I’ve always kind of acted older. She’s sweet, beautiful, and innocent.

I say this because a few years ago my husband decided to run a marathon in a very cool place. My sister, who periodically comes out, visited us to watch him run.

She is often in my city which is generally a joy.

The night before though, we were just playing truth or dare with a crew of folks. My best guy friend laughs and says, “What was the best sex you’ve ever had apart from you husband?”

When I refuse to answer he asks the same question to my sister. She’s more naive than me and blushes. Unfortunately she answers truthfully.

*Again my sister is older than me but I act older.* Read more »

My narcissism took me to cold places [MF]

*If you’re going to try this at home, be warned. It’s very painful. Ice play always is. I don’t do it now without a safe word and generally lower doses.*

When I was younger I was many a man’s manic pixie dream girl. Today I know I was actually just kind of manic, but I’m cute and smart so I spent many years labeled as “quirky.”

*I just read this opener to my husband and he informed me that my hobbies include writing a sex blog and studying a certain insect, so there are some who might say I’m still weird AF.*

Anyway, I wrote about this dude once before. I found an album labeled “Viola” in his phone with photos from my social media. He used them to jerk off. In one of my more sound moments of judgment I seduced him when he admitted this and then we dated for bit.

I kind of thought getting to know me would absolve his obsession.

*This has happened to me before. Folks get to know me and find out my weirdness is not always adorable.* Read more »

My actual favorite threesome [MMF]

*By popular demand, you fucking weirdos.*

It took me a while to write this. It’s one of this stories I wanted to save for myself for a bit. I’m still not sure how to unpack it, but it’s so weirdly sweet and intimate I had a hard time writing it.

Once upon a time I woke up hungover between my boyfriend and his best friend. The three of us had been hooking up all week.

My boyfriend rolled over so that we were spooning and squeezed one of my breasts. I groaned and told him to fuck off.

“Do you guys want to be alone?” Best Friend asked.

“NO,” my boyfriend and I said in unison.
My boyfriend bit my ear and I told him to fuck off again.

“I could make you fuck me right now,” my boyfriend said as he put a hand between my legs.

*TBF, he probably could.*

“Fuck off and go get me coffee.”

He pulled my hair slightly and I groaned.

“Dude, she said no,” Best Friend grabs his hand to stop him. Read more »

When I fucked a model [FF]

This is a story from my slay period. I went through this horrible breakup which left me emotionally unavailable and inexplicably unafraid of rejection because I cared so little. Folks mistook this for unbridled confidence so I started hitting home runs in a league I didn’t know existed.

*Yall get hung up when I say stuff like this. I like the way I look and I’m not lacking in confidence. I’m just self-aware of the fact that I was not always the more attractive one in the relationship.*

I interned in an obscure country that summer which is when the dominos really fell. I REALLY went crazy for a bit.

*I cannot describe how few fucks I gave which is why this story is going to sound off.*

My first full day in this country I stumbled into this restaurant on the beach and could barely afford an order of fries. I was people watching and highly entertained by this couple beside me who were speaking English. She was obviously not into him and he was talking about all the things he could buy her. She was just kind of mumbling politely about each of his offers. Read more »

The dick that actually made me insane [MF]

*Damn it, I wrote this story only for me and have really not wanted to post it. It’s very personal and makes me look insane. However, I’m taking the monthly contest as a sign that it’s finally time. Y’all are really about to see how human I am*

*I thought about breaking this into parts, but it just doesn’t work.*

If it seems like I usually have the upper hand in my stories, it’s because I do. I wasn’t cold when I was younger, but incredibly guarded. My confidence was outrageously high and I was usually the one to drive people crazy.

Until this dude.

I’ve dated a lot of folks I wonder about, buy this is actually the one who “got away.” It’s still painful to think about and there is no way for me to write this without sounding batshit crazy. I have no idea how he would tell this story, but I highly doubt I’m his “one who got away.” I still can’t make sense of this. Read more »

The amateur who went pro [FM]

I don’t even believe this story. This is the closest I came to a celebrity hookup, even though he was barely a celebrity and we barely hooked up.

I was friends with a few people on my football team when I was in college and wound up at a couple of their parties. It was fun because I always looked very, very tiny in pictures.

One night my roommate and I went to one of these after a big game and everyone got fucking lit. I’ve never seen energy like.

I was in the kitchen when a random dude comes in and asks if I want to take shots. I shrug and pour us one and we start talking. I did notice a few people buzzing around, but I didn’t think much of it I ask his name and he laughs because he legitimately thinks I’m joking. When I stare at him blankly he’s like, “Oh, my bad.”

As it turns out he was one of our better players. He ended up going pro for a while. I’m just an idiot.

“Oh shit, I did not realize you were so… tall.” Read more »

That interview y’all were waiting for [FF]

V: Do you want a fake name?

M: Call me Master.

V: …

M: What?

V: Ok… How do we know each other?

M: *Laughs* in a biblical sense.

V: Dude stop. How did we meet?

M: In college.

V: How long did we date?

M: The lines kind of blur. Idk. That was before you were out so things got complicated.

V: Have you read my stories?

M: The ones about me.

V: What did I get right and wrong?

M: I am far hotter and much better in bed than you described.

V: I’m being serious.

M: I am too.

V: Was it weird reading them?

M: TBH a little. I felt bad. I didn’t mean to fuck with you like I did.

V: Wow. A serious answer.

M: Yes.

V: Why did you?

M: …Jealousy?

V: What?

M: Yeah I think I was jealous of your double life. That was never an option for me. Read more »

Our slip up [FM]

I want to start by saying I didn’t plan this. Also I could have shortened this, but *fuck ya’ll* I like foreplay.

So I stay friends with my exes. Historically this has not been a problem as I’m pretty good at putting people into a “friend” box in my mind. I’m also quite charming and get along with women so I’m a good ex to introduce to new girlfriends.

Usually.

One dude in particular I had to move to a “friend” box pretty early on. Even though we had an attraction, he actually respected my wishes and we stopped hooking up and stayed platonic.

Usually.

We’d occasionally fly out to see each other and I became friends with his new girlfriend. Eventually I started staying with her when I’d visit.

*If this sounds odd, keep in mind I’m charming AF.*

This was all great for a while until I caught her fucking cheating on him. I came home early and walked in on them in the shower. I was absolutely horrified. She ran out to find me packing my bag to leave. Read more »

Interview with my friend [FF]

V: You want a fake name?

Q: Call me Queen

V: Really? Ok. In vague terms, how do we know each other?

Q: We met at work. Is that vague?

V: How long ago?

Q: 4 years?

V: Do you want a fake city?

Q: Sure, Atlantis

V: What’s it like being single in Atlantis?

Q: Terrible. The ratio of men to women is way off. The men who are single are single for a reason and the women intimidate me.

V: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Q: So many. This might bring down the mood… Probably when the dude slapped a phone out of my hand. He was upset another man was hitting on me before we arrived. He couldn’t let it go. He eventually lost is cool with me so I said I was going to film his tantrum on my social media. He slapped it before I could go live.

All my other worst dates the guys were super boring.

Fun fact: I reported phone guy to bumble and they sent me flowers. Read more »

Spanish lessons [MF]

So I speak Spanish somewhat fluently.

*Im my real life I still say I’m conversational. Ive spoken it in meetings and abroad for years but I don’t usually claim fluency. Teach your kids another language when they’re young so one day they too can use this skill to get laid.*

*Also, I’m going to write this all in English because it’s easier than translating or going back and forth.*

There was one time I was at a bar and I heard a group of men talking about me in Spanish. They weren’t even being disrespectful, they were all asking if one of them should buy me a drink. A few said something about me in my dress.

I turned around and answered in Spanish, “A drink from any of you would be fine.”

One of them told the bar tender anything I wanted, so I ordered an insane drink I had never even heard of. It just sounded cool.

One dude leaned over and asked, “Wait so you understood everything we just-“

“-Yes, and it was flattering.”

“The part about your dress?” Read more »