So about a year ago, a mid-thirties couple messaged me through the dating app Her. They wanted me to be their “unicorn.” Normally, I would not have agreed to something so pernicious, but I was in a social funk at the time and had also lost my job selling Mary Kay, so I needed a little yolo in my life. That is, beyond the psychedelic mushrooms I had been ingesting at lunchtime each day.
Before heading over to their place, I made sure to prepare myself physically (lathered myself in Crisco), mentally (completed nearly half of the New York Times crossword puzzle), and spiritually (took a small amount of mushrooms and listened to an Amy Grant Christmas album). This strategy had served me well over the years at Mary Kay (right up until I got that bad batch of mushrooms), so I figured it would work well on this occasion, too.