[MF] Collection of our gonewild moments gone bad. [Short]

Little known fact about your typical post in this subreddit. For every story of success and happy endings, there are numerous tales of moments that got ruined, took a turn for the worse or ended fits of laughter.  Chelsea and I have libraries worth of more hot stories but an equal amount of moments where we can laugh at our misfortunes. This is our collection of short stories and moments that failed to meet the “That’s Hot!” quota.  Hope you get a few laughs and facepalms at our expense.

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I love my awkward wife more than anything, but she has this uncanny ability to say and do the wrong thing at the worst possible moment.  One particularly inconvenient moment happened early on in our relationship. She was going down on me in one of our recovery phases but she was still horny. I was flaccid and sprawled out half on and half off the bed with Chelsea on her knees between my legs.  My eyes were closed and mentally zoned out, just enjoying the moment and reliving the previous 20 minutes. Chelsea is doing her thing and I suddenly feel her stop. Her lips were squeezing my soft shaft flat so that it was pressed out wide in her mouth.  It was a weird sensation, neither hurting or feeling all that good.  I open my eyes and look down to see her staring back at me.  Perfectly still, she manages to grin with my limp cock still pressed flat in her lips.  She releases it with a pop, “Look, I’m Rufus!” referring to my dog while the cock in her mouth was attempting to mimic his tongue. She beamed a smile then giggled, soon returning to what she was doing.  

I looked at her speechless. Shaking my head as I repeated mentally, “ooohh myyyy god! Whaaaaat the fuck!?!?!?”  
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During one of our many experimental moments, we were trying out a new bottle of lube.  Chelsea told me what to pick up and where to buy it at. I scanned the bottle, read the label in a half-ass glance and say something about female and sensitivity. I never gave it a second thought as I bought it and texted we were good to go for Saturday.  Our fun begins and the night is going well. We get to part were Chelsea cleans herself out and we prepare for a weekly ritual of cave diving. She’s bent over and in position and I’m applying a generous amount of lube from the new bottle.  A few minutes later I’m plowing her raw when I feel a very different sensation down below.  Chelsea is as well and I slow to a stop, still embedded to the hilt. “Umm, why is my ass on fire?”  I pick up the bottle and see that it’s a “warming sensation” lube.  By warming, I mean my cock was on fire and Chelsea was soon doing the pooch scoot across the floor as we headed to the shower to wash it off. 

45 minutes later, my girlfriend was lying face down on the couch with a cold pack on her bum hole and I had the other wrapped in a cloth on my crotch. She gave me the evilest of glares as I shifted in my seat. Physically growling at me for attempting to show a level of pain on par with hers.   Never confused lubes again.  I’m sorry hunny! It’s been 4 years, can you please let that go!?!?

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I don’t know if this true for everyone but we’ve found that couples in the kink scene tend to gravitate to each other even if they’ve never met. This has happened a few times in the past at odd spots like obscure coffee shops and the couple next to us in a concert at a local venue. Struck up a conversation and it went down that leather and restraints topic rather fast. They were polite people but it was awkward considering how straight laced our public image was attempting to be. So, it came as no surprise when it happened again while waiting for our names to be called for a local restaurant.  We had a coupon for the one-day special and the place was packed. Chelsea and I were talking in code, using the food entries of the special as sexy replacements for the stuff we were going to do to each other after dinner.  The couple next to us must have heard us talking and the woman turned around to comment, “Yes, they dooo have excellent pasta here” emphasizing words in a sultry voice. We just smiled and laughed at her comment while agreeing with her.  The husband chatted in code about the rump roast dish that was especially good.

Chelsea and I gave each other the look and chuckled to ease the awkward moment, my girl replied, “we would definitely have to try that some time.”  The next words that came out of the wife’s mouth was so casual, it was as if it saying it was an everyday comment. She looked to my woman and said, “Gonna get your DP card punched?”.  I picked my girlfriends jaw off the floor, equally stunned at this lady’s audacity. I proceeded to look around to see if others had heard before I replied “umm, My girlfriend does… but wow, Do you?” I gave Chelsea a reassuring squeeze around the waist, hopefully passing the conversation back to them to get us out of the spotlight.  The puzzled look across their faces turned to a questioning scrunch of the eyebrows, “Double Points? As in the rewards card? It’s double points night.”

OHHH!, the look of relief that came across our faces continued to puzzle the other couple as we quickly recovered that it was the very reason we were their tonight.  The couple just gave each other a WTF-Look and turned around to ignored us two freaks. I got the biggest elbow in the ribs a moment later.  

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Funny and disturbing noises are just something one has to get used to when it comes to sex. When it comes to butt stuff, air gets pushed inside while you’re going at it. From early on, the sounds of raspberries are commonplace in our bedroom activities with how much I enter through the backdoor. If not during sex, the cuddle moments get interrupted by Brrrrrppt and we giggle like a couple of kids. 

Chelsea escaped the prison that she called home one early Saturday and headed on over to my place. The two of us had just finished a wonderfully long round of rectal ramming and the two of us were relaxing on the couch watching TV. Chelsea received a text from her Father wondering where she was? “You’re going to be late for the dinner with [company client].” It had been scheduled weeks earlier and we totally forgot.  Her outfit was back at her house and I was supposed to attend as well. We raced to get dressed and were panicking trying to get out the door.  My Dog is barking, Chelsea’s trying to find her panties, my tie has body fluids on it as it was used as restraints. It’s chaos. 

She arrives home and quickly dresses in record time.  I’m dressed in my casual coat with an old tie that gets a stern look from her Father. He gives me one of his from his closet so that I look presentable and can make a good impression.  We all pile in the Suburban and head towards the restaurant. We greet the foreign guests, make pleasantries and get seated in the private section so that the adults could discuss business. The place is loud, music blaring and kitchen noises around the corner among the guest’s chatter. Chelsea suddenly grabs my wrist and coughs loudly to mask another sound that escapes from her south side. Her role as the ideal daughter isn’t blown and nobody but myself and her brother notices. Throughout the night, Chelsea is scooting her chair back loudly so to mask the air fart’s that seem to come in violent waves.  Her brother and I’s attempt at holding in our laughter only seems mimics the roman solider from Life of Brian. I’m squeaking, holding in the laughter from my throat and wiping away tears. Chelsea’s nails are digging in my hands as her face remains passive and unaffected by her gaseous excretions. Her younger brother and I can’t even look at each other anymore for fear of bursting out in laughter.  Things would calm down and Joel and I would act normal until Chelsea’s cheeks would pinch off another one and the process would start all over again.  

Finally, her Mother leans over and tells her youngest son Joel, “Stop it, the two of you are being rude!” looking at the both of us when she says that. The guests don’t notice or just don’t care and Chelsea’s face appears to be completely unaware of what’s happening with our laughter.  Minutes later, Chelsea excuses herself from the table and cracks the loudest fart just as she exits the room.  Joel and I lost it when we heard the shocked gasps from the other room followed by the sound of clinking silverware on dinner plates.

The night ended, her Mother scolded us boys the entire ride home and Chelsea beat my arm until it was black and blue the moment we were alone. I was crying from laughter the entire beat down.  Totally worth it.

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Thanks for reading, hope you got a good laugh or two from it.  

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/ce3xnk/mf_collection_of_our_gonewild_moments_gone_bad