Hello, I wrote my first XXX screenplay this morning. I hope you enjoy.
**Sweet Jesus:**
The Greatest Story Ever Filmed
Joseph and Mary are banging it out in a tavern room of the Classical era. Various ancient artifacts are in the room to give a sense of time and place. They are still partially clothed in appropriate attire. A donkey stands in the corner of the room.
Immediately we zoom into Joseph balls deep in Mary’s cornhole. He goes at it for a few minutes then flips her and sticks it in her cooch and finishes.
MARY: “Goddamnit Joseph, you were supposed to finish in my ass! We don’t need a baby right now. Why do guys keep doing this to me?!?.”
JOSEPH: “Sorry, Mary – I just like the way it feels…”.
Camera zooms in on Mary’s cream-pie.
JOSEPH: “Waiiiit a minute…what guys?!”
Cut to an extreme close-up on the donkey’s face with eyes cartoonishly bulging out.
Screen goes black with big white text and startling sound – 9 MONTHS LATER.
Joseph and a now visibly pregnant Mary and their donkey are trudging through the countryside late at night. There is a CGI supernova in the sky in the background (i.e. Star of Bethlehem).
MARY: “Well this sucks, we got kicked out of our apartments and nobody will take us in”.
JOSEPH: “If you hadn’t given every goddamn apartment manager in Jerusalem the Herp maybe we’d have a place to stay!”.
They trudge a while longer and enter Bethlehem (marked by a sign) and come upon a swarthy looking farmer standing next to a cage of chickens.
FARMER: “Chickens for saleeeeee”.
MARY: “Please sir, we’re tired and need a place to stay – do you have anything available?”.
The farmer looks her up and down with a gleam in his eye and nods a little.
FARMER: “Well, the missus wouldn’t like your sort staying in the house, but I’ve always had a thing for fat chicks. Why don’t you stay in the manger? We can arrange for ‘payment’ later tonight”.
JOSEPH: “Fine, but you better throw in some of them chickens.”.
FARMER: “What the fuck are you gonna do to them?”.
JOSEPH: “That’s my business…”.
Screen fades again and then comes back in the cluttered Manger with Pregnant Mary giving the farmer a blowjob.
Joseph happily ignores what is going on and eats sauced-up modern day chicken wings at a makeshift table. The place is a sty and all sorts of animals are watching this go down. A minute or two later, the Farmer finishes all over Mary’s face.
FARMER: “Good stuff. Don’t make any more of a mess in here, and you better clear out by Monday”.
Mary with her frosted face looks both ways.
MARY: “How the fuck would we make more of a mess in here?”.
Screen fades, time passes again and we now see 3 obviously drunken guys walking and dancing through an alley. Wise Guy #1 is black and wearing some gold chainz and Wise Guy #3 has a bottle of booze marked XXX on the side.
WISE GUY #1: “Whoahoa look at that star!”
WISE GUY #2: “Dude, I bet we could totally touch it if we walked far enough.”
WISE GUY #3: “LETS DO IT!” as he smashes an empty XXX bottle on the ground.
The wise guys start marching down the alley in the direction of the star but then start to hear the cries of a baby.
WISE GUY #1: “What in the hell is that?”
WISE GUY #2: “Bruh, it sounds some like some kinda baby. Maybe we should check it out?”
WISE GUY #3: “LETS DO IT!” as he smashes another empty XXX bottle on the ground.
The three wise guys enter the manager and see a no longer pregnant Mary and Joseph proudly hovering above a crib containing an obviously fake black baby doll. The cries continue very briefly and then stop before continued dialog. He is Black Baby Jesus and obviously Mary has been around the block a few times.
WISE GUY #1: “Yo, do you guys need any help?”
JOSEPH: “I could always use some help with this slut…she’s insatiable”.
WISE GUY #2: “I think we can help with that!”
WISE GUY #3: “LETS DO IT!” as he throws another empty XXX bottle off screen toward the wall.
Gangbang ensues with the 4 of them going super saiyan on Mary. As they’re frantically tearing off their clothes somebody’s leg knocks the crib and the black baby doll goes rolling out of the crib into the corner of the room, eventually coming to rest face down on Wise Guy #2’s broken glass. Camera quickly pans back to the gangbang which is now in progress.
Some time later…
JOSEPH: “Holy fuckin’ shit, Mary – that was like a hot dog in a hallway. At least you still have that tight ass”.
WISE GUY #1: “Man, that was great. Listen, you guys should find a better place. Here’s some gold to help you out”. He hands them one of his gold chainz.
WISE GUY #2: “Thanks for taking care of our Franks, here’s some Cents”. He winks and tosses some coins on the pile.
WISE GUY #3 tosses a bag labeled MYRRH on the pile. Everybody looks at him expectantly but he doesn’t say anything.
JOSEPH: “Sooooo, are you going?”.
WISE GUY #3: “LETS DO IT!”. The whole wise guy crew jogs on out of the manger in a line.
Mary looks like she just thought of something.
MARY: “Hey, where’s Jesus?”.
Screen abrubtly goes black with big white text and startling sound – 30 YEARS LATER.
We see a now adult Black Jesus in a carpentry woodshop. There are dozens of wooden dildoes of various sizes and shapes surrounding him. He is whittling away at one in his hand that looks like a recognizable representation of a penis already. It has his signature JESUS carved into the base of it already.
Jesus looks outside and sees a magician in full regalia stumble by with a floozy in each arm. The entertainer is wearing a fancy outfit like some kind of mage or magician. Jesus mumbles to himself.
JESUS: “Carpentry sucks. I was meant for greater things. I need to get in on that guy’s action”.
“The final countdown” plays in the background on a Sitar or some shit.
Cut to a scene outside the local tavern, the magician is outside taking a leak on the side of the building. The Magician is waving around his penis making circles in urine on the wall and talking to himself.
MAGICIAN: “hohoho, don’t worry bitch, I’m saving some of this piss for you”.
Jesus comes out of the shadows carrying a now sharpened penis Dildo.
MAGICIAN: “Whoa man, what the hell?”.
Jesus stabs it into his chest like a stake through the heart, and the Magician gurgles blood and fades away. We see Jesus taking the clothes off the magician and stuffing his body into a big wooden container filled with trash.
Jesus walks into the tavern wearing the outfit and sees one of the two floozy’s that had been with the Magician earlier that day. She is sitting at the bar and is obviously trashed. “It’s a hole in the wall where the men can see it all” is playing in the background on Sitar or some shit.
BARTENDER: “Mary Magdalene, you’re one drunk ass whore. If you ain’t gonna pay, I ain’t gonna serve you any more. Have some water and sober the fuck up”. He passes her a cup of water.
Mary Magdalene hic-cups and looks at Jesus as he approaches. She squints as though she’s having trouble recognizing him. Nevermind Jesus and the Magician have different color skin.
MARY MAGDALENE: “Hey…..are you the guy I came in with?”
JESUS: “Yeah baby, you know it. Mary, eh? My mother had the same name. Now let’s turn this water into wine”.
Jesus forcefully knocks her water cup off the bar onto the ground, throws some coins down and the Bartender quickly pours and passes them two new cups of wine….they both take a sip at the same time.
Screen changes and we’re back in the tavern room. Might as well be the same tavern room from the opening scene. Jesus is urinating all over Mary Magdalene’s tits.
MARY MAGDALENE: “Well, you’re obviously the same guy!”.
Time permitting they have sex, doesn’t really matter how, but keep it reasonably short we have an important story to tell here.
Screen goes black with big white text and startling sound – 69 DAYS LATER.
Jesus is walking down an alley now with a new posse of 4 disciples in tow as well as Mary Magdalene. He’s still wearing his fancy magicians outfit. A cripple comes up to them and stops their progress.
CRIPPLE: “Jesus, is that you? I’ve heard you can heal the sick!… Save me, Jesus!”
JESUS: “You heard right!”.
The cripple reaches into his robe and whips out his penis. It has a bunch of nasty gunk on it. Mary Magdalene gasps in horror.
Out of nowhere Jesus busts out a cleaver which glints in the sunlight as he holds it up and then he deftly brings it down in front of the man (doesn’t need to show contact on camera). The cripple crumbles to the ground holding his bleeding groin.
CRIPPLE: “Thank you, Jesus!”.
JESUS: “This boy is healed!”.
Jesus and the crew stay right on the beat and continue walking when Jesus notices a fishmonger off to the side with big crates of fish throwing them in the trash. Maybe it is the same big wooden trash bin as before and the foot of the magician Jesus had killed before is still subtly sticking out/rotting.
JESUS: “Hey, what are you doing with all those fish?”
FISHMONGER: “They spoiled, so I’m throwing them all out.”.
JESUS: “Don’t throw them out, man… I’ll take them!”.
Cut to a new scene, Jesus now out in the open on a hill, lots of people are on the grass watching his show. CGI crowd if that’s what it takes. Jesus is holding two fresh fish in his hands.
JESUS: “Observe children, as I feed every one of you using only the two fish in my hands. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John….please distribute this food to my flock”.
His disciples start handing out fish to the people but obviously have more than two fish in each of the crates they’re holding. They quickly hand everybody in the crowd a significantly worse looking piece of fish than what Jesus was holding. An Audience member objects.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: “God damn, Jesus, this fish stinks! This shit is rotten!”.
JESUS: “It’s still fresher than your mother’s cunt, motherfucker!”.
We see audience members suck it up and start eating the fish. Cut quickly to a scene with the whole audience now throwing up all over the place. At least one audience member projectile vomits on the other.
JESUS: “Oh, shit.”
Roman guards show up and whisk Jesus away.
Cut to a new scene as Jesus is carried by two Roman Guards into a fancy Roman building.
GUARD #1 (to Guard #2): “Go get Pontius Pilate”.
Guard #2 returns with Pontius Pilate. Pontius appears sweaty and disheveled and is holding both his hands and forearms away from him as though they are filthy. Maybe they are a little brown. He appears to be flamboyantly homosexual and wears unusually colorful and revealing robes.
PONTIUS PILATE: “Fisting is a dirty business ! Excuse me while I wash my hands of this mess”.
Pontius walks over to a fountain and washes his hands thoroughly as he continues speaking with an affectation.
PONTIUS PILATE: “Well, who do we have here?”.
GUARD #1: “This man Jesus was caught serving spoiled fish to the masses, sir. None survived”.
PONTIUS PILATE: “What a waste of some good man meat. Send him to Golgotha and crucify him for his crimes!”.
Cut to a new scene and now we find ourselves on the hill with Jesus tied to the Cross.
The sky is black and lightning crashes in the distance (CGI budget willing). Mary Magdalene is there looking worried standing next to the cross while the 4 disciples cower and weep nearby. Guard #1 stands there with a spear disinterested, looking away. Jesus is grim and limp, looking exhausted already.
MARY MAGDALENE: “Oh Jesus, I can’t believe it ends like this!”.
JESUS: “Fear not, Mary – we will soon be together again in the next life, where you’ll have all the Jesus Juice you can drink”.
Mary looks slyly up at Jesus on the cross.
MARY MAGDALENE: “Who says I can’t have a little Jesus Juice right now?”.
Mary starts sucking on Jesus’s toes and although Jesus still looks exhausted and doesn’t move at all we see the little flap Jesus is wearing start to rise. Mary turns over a stump on the ground to stand on and starts climbing up the cross. Before we know it Mary is riding Jesus while he is on the cross. Jesus is passively hanging there and she is doing all of the work. She’s really tearing into him, and at once point scratches him so severely on one of his sides that he bleeds.
JESUS: “Jesus Christ, bitch, watch what you’re doing!”.
Mary sticks her finger in the blood and licks it.
JESUS: (weakly) – “This is my blood, given for you”.
They go back at it for a while until Jesus finishes and Mary collapses back down at the foot of the cross, clearly having exhausted herself.
Jesus was hanging limply but suddenly musters all his strength, gets passion in his eyes and comes back to life to dramatically yell:
JESUS: “BEGONE, THOT!”.
He then goes even more limp and falls into a deep sleep. Mary covers her eyes and runs off screen, as do the disciples. Guard #1 states flatly:
GUARD #1: “Jesus of Nazareth is dead”.
Thunder roars in the background. Jesus audibly snores.
GUARD #1 and GUARD#2 are shown taking Jesus’s limp body to a cave where they rest it on a sarcophagus. They roll a stone in front of the entrance and then stand there as if guarding the place.
Screen goes black with big white text and startling sound – 3 DAYS LATER.
GUARD #1 and GUARD #2 are shown rolling the stone away from the entrance to open the cave. The camera goes inside and we see Jesus in white robes illuminated from all angles with light. Jesus smiles.
Pontius Pilate abruptly waltzes into the cave naked with one of Jesus’s wooden dildos in his hand. He gestures in a manner that suggests he wants to know if Jesus is interested. Jesus’s eyes get big. He sighs, and says:
JESUS: “Well, I guess I’ll try anything once….after all, you only live twice.”
FIN appears on the screen, and we start to roll end credits.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/c3uxcw/sweet_jesus_the_greatest_story_ever_filmed_erotic