[FM] Technically I never touched him

Hi! I’m Cindy and I have a confession to make, it’s taken me a while to finally write this and I hope it will give me some relief because I have felt so guilty about this (even though technically I didn’t do anything). Sorry if this is longer than the usual confession but I don’t have anybody to talk to about this.

I’m happily married now but last summer me and my husband were going through some serious problems and we even separated technically when he moved into a hotel for a while. I’m not going to go into all those boring details but we had a low point and every relationship has its low points. We are much stronger now and ya spoiler but we are not getting divorced. But it was a very tough time and lots of terrible things were done and said and it’s hard to express how alone I felt at that time. But I am no angel either and at that time I have to confess I was talking to a guy online and having some riskay conversations for sure without my husband’s knowledge. That’s part of what I want to confess now.

So I’m 33 and married almost 10 years. I know Mark from back before I was married or even with my husband when he was the boyfriend of one of my best friends at the time. He’s good looking and tall and he always flirted with me in a friendly way but I knew he was interested, he has amazing light greyish eyes and when he makes eye contact sometimes it’s kind of breathtaking (I know it sounds stupid but it’s the only way I can describe it, like butterflies). He has a dark complexion and really kinda studly so I always liked the attention he gave me back in the day even though nothing happened, he was always a gentleman and didn’t act like he liked me even though I know he did… it’s easy for me to notice when those gorgeous eyes always sneak little peeks whenever I move! So long story short Mark connected with me on FB after many years of not talking and we exchanged a few messages to say hello. But over the months we chatted a bit more and eventually he complimented me on some pictures I took from our trip to Cuba and things kinda went crazy after that! He is married too and we live in the same city but with all the things happening with my husband at the time I allowed the conversations to get pretty crazy and we swapped photos and you can imagine… at one point I gave him a little headless fashion show of my lingerie drawer, and by the time all the barriers were removed I was whimpering into the phone at 4:30am after following his instructions all night, whispering his name and he explained in so much detail what he wants to do with me, me promising him things I couldn’t possibly deliver, could I? But by the next morning what felt so right the night before felt so guilty and fake.

After a few more text conversations that cooled things off, Mark convinced me to talk on the phone one more time, and I explained how I could never do the things I promised him and it was just a fantasy I was using him for, like a way to give myself a release without having to do anything real. I expected him to be upset with me or defensive since it’s a betrayal I’m doing to him, but he was such a relief. He understood everything and really put me at ease. We agreed to be friends and to never again talk about sex.

A few nights later we hatched a plan to meet for coffee on a Saturday afternoon when I’d have the day to myself. We were both really clear “on paper” about the fact that it was just coffee, but in my heart I knew I was crossing a line just meeting him after all the things we said on the phone or in texts. How could I pretend he didn’t occupy all my thoughts? How I dreamed of his strong body doing all the things to me he promised… it was all I could think about! I wasn’t meeting him to cheat, but I wanted to get as close as I could get without going over the line. At that point it seemed like the right thing to do for my happiness if that makes sense. Of course, we had talked so much about fashion, he said he always used to like the way I dressed and my outfits and stuff, and he is also a really snappy dresser if you get my drift so it’s nice to talk to someone for a change who gets it. Anyway my point I know what Mark likes and I made sure to dress up in some of the items he had already seen. My bright red call-it-spring 4 inch heels that he specifically complimented when I tried them on for him, a peach sleeveless shift that barely makes it to my knees, matching white silk tangas and bra. I spent the afternoon getting a wax, my hair and makeup and matched up my lip stick to my cherry nails, I soaked for at least an hour in a lavender milk bath. I was so smooth and soft and I remember hoping he’d love the bouquet of scents in my hair and all over my body.

I went early to the coffee shop and took a seat on the patio (just writing that now reminds me of how warm and delicate the air felt that day… quite different from the cold outside today!) We chose a place really out of the way for both of us, and without saying too much we live in a city of about 5M people so there’s not much chance of us getting spotted by somebody there. But even so I still wore my huge Michael Kors glasses and took a table furthest from the action, but my shoes were enough to attract attention. When Mark finally arrived (late!), I was so shy and it was so awkward! He looked the same, just more lines on his face and some grey in his short hair and beard, but he was still the same guy. He smiled and I smiled but I know I was blushing like crazy! He admired me and complimented me and we started really flirting too much. I felt like I was losing control, his cologne smells so amazing, he looks so confident when he smiles at me and those eyes! What can I say, this is a confession and I was ready for anything at the time and I didn’t care… it was so amazing to have a man giving me so much sexual attention I really felt like it was my time to be bad. I didn’t feel guilty at the time and really I spend so much time thinking about how I felt right then because really I don’t understand it so much. In the end I guess it’s just hormones because I really didn’t care even though in my heart I care.

Mark kept brushing his fingers along the hem of my dress and he tried to sneak little kisses on my shoulders and arm and I accepted it for a bit before I told him I had to go. He touched my hand and we were both still smiling and I was laughing about it trying not to seem so embarrassed and he kept complimenting me even then. So I told him I can’t do anything because (and I showed him my engagement ring and wedding band, which I don’t usually wear together unless it’s for a special occasion, usually just the band) and he showed me his gold band (and his big, sexy hands!) and he said he understands everything. We flirted like that a bit more and long story short we agreed that I would go with him to a hotel and give him a fashion show but no touching. My reaction when he showed me the hotel card was laughing so much, but it’s because I was nervous but I think I gave him the signal that I was so happy about it even though I was a bit shocked that he planned to fuck me the whole time and got the hotel in advance. I felt like he was going to think I fell into his trap but really it was my choice in the end.

At first we were going to go into the mall attached to the cafe to the la senza store but we just went to the hotel instead and didn’t even really mention the fashion show again, we just went there by foot because it was just across the busy intersection in sight from the cafe even. I felt so exposed when I was crossing 8 lanes of cars with this man, me walking in my bright red pumps so small compared to the man whose arm I was holding onto. Kind of silly feeling really, but anyway we got to the hotel lobby and I was worried the front desk would say something since I wasn’t with him when he checked it but the lady literally didn’t even look up when we walked past to the elevators. In the elevator it was so awkward because we didn’t talk and I wasn’t sure what he was expecting or even what I thought was going to happen because it was obvious I was about to be alone with this man and when the door closes anything can happen and I can’t stop it.

But when we got inside the room it was a really nice room and it smelled citrusy and for some reason I was relaxed. So I sat down on the bed and let my shift come up a bit to show the tops of my thighs, and I just smiled at him. He wasn’t smiling anymore though so I kept watching him and it seemed like he was trying to think of something to say but he just stayed quiet so I guess I thought he was nervous. But then Mark came over to me and was like “if I can’t touch you can I do this?” and he started opening his fly so I didn’t say anything and just watched him take it out. He started stroking it near my face and I didn’t want to look up at him because it felt like it was going way too fast and I didn’t know what was going to happen. But then he started complimenting me and telling me how I was irresistable and everything and I know it’s just talk but his words made me feel more at ease, so I told him it’s okay. He started jacking it right on top of me and his eyes were fixed on me and he looked so happy and strong. I just stayed sitting on the edge of the bed and tried not to be so close to his fist because he was jacking it really fast. Then he started roaring and his cum came out in really thick heavy drops right on both my cheeks and my lips. All I could think about was not getting his cum on my dress or my legs for some reason but most of it was on my face and it was very thick so I was able to clean it off with a towel without making a mess.

Mark was very apologetic and guilty after, I still don’t really understand if he was upset because he did something against his own marriage or if it’s because he didn’t really do anything for me and maybe he feels like less than or something. I think he thinks I am really disappointed he didn’t fuck me all nite but really it is a major relief that all that happened was a little accident! I think if I had my way that day it would have been a much worse situation for my life so really I am not disappointed at all in that side of it. If anything I’m just more disappointed about how weird he got basically right after it happened. Feel kind of used by him to be honest.

Anyways I never told anybody about this because I think you can see it’s not only a bad secret but it’s not exactly the most sexy story in the end. But that’s actually what happened and I’m not going to pretend we had amazing life changing sex when we actually didn’t at all. There’s no good that can come from telling this story to anybody least of all my husband, but it feels good to get it off my chest. And please before anybody tells me how I am a betrayer and a witch, yes I know I’ve done wrong, but maybe it matters maybe it doesn’t but it’s not the first cheating in our marriage and I wasn’t the first to do something like that. So it takes two to tango in this thing called marriage and that’s something we’ve both learned and that’s the basis for our rebuilding our marriage.

But in my fantasies I pretend Mark was a bit more like the guy he described in those texts and conversations… even though that probably means by now I’d be divorced, barefoot, and pregnant with twins! xoxoxo

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/atlpjq/fm_technically_i_never_touched_him