I Cheated on my Boyfriend at Work [F/F] – 3

*Hey gws, I posted about some [craziness](https://www.reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/3xicjg/i_cheated_on_my_boyfriend_at_work_ff/) in my life just before Christmas, and then posted a [second-part/update](https://www.reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/40d0kx/i_cheated_on_my_boyfriend_at_work_ff_2/) a bit later. It’s been a while but I’m back with the third-part! I honestly never thought I’d still be doing this, but I think I’ve come to rely on gws as a bit of an agony aunt or coping mechanism or something. Knowing that hundreds of people have seen the posts I’ve written really helps in those moments where I kind of want to scream about it all. So thank you just for being here and reading. Also I’ve had a lot of PMs in addition to the comments. I just want to say that like 99% of them are not creepy or weird or rude or inappropriate (even if they’re understandably negative) and I’m really grateful for that. I’ve had lots of advice and perspectives and I appreciate all of it – even (especially) the ones that don’t reflect favourably on me.*

*Just a couple of notes to begin:*

*1) Plenty of details have been changed, because I do not want to risk this getting out, even though the chance is incredibly small.*

*2) This post covers a lot more time than the others, so I broke it up by date.*

*3) Most of the dialogue and stuff is (obviously) fabricated, but it is all based as closely as possible on my memories and some notes I made.*

*4) If you want to skip to some semi-wild-going then start from Tuesday 24th November.*

*5) If you want to skip to the ‘proper’ wild-going then start at Wednesday 16th December, and then scroll until you see a bunch of Xs.*

**Saturday 14th, and Sunday 15th November**

So it’s hard to know exactly how to pick up again. I felt a bit all over the place after our second catch up. Part of me felt fine, as though I had successfully compartmentalised everything by putting a more official end to it, but there was another part of me that was looking back and flipping out about everything. You know when you have a busy few days, and it feels like a lot longer than it actually was afterwards? Well over the weekend after our second meeting, the previous 7 or 8 days felt like months. Ben and I were staying with friends, and it was hard to keep a straight face all the time, like I was trying to hide being drunk or something.

Well, I think I might be going a bit far. I was mostly processing everything fine, but there was just a little bit of me that wasn’t. Mainly because of the great big elephant in my head, the one thing that I just could not bring myself to think about: the moment where I had stroked Izzy’s face with my thumb. It made me feel sick thinking about it. Not in a disgusted way, just in a really queasy way, like I was lurching all over the place. That tiny moment wasn’t sex, or even sexual, it was just me being intimate with another person. A *girl*. Honestly, I just forced it out of my head. I think I forced myself to forget about it ‘accidentally-on-purpose’ because it was too much to think about. Anyway, on that Sunday evening I had the bizarre experience of sneaking my lingerie into the washing machine without Ben seeing, which felt really weird, and which probably led to the next thing:

**Monday 16th November**

I mentioned on a comment last time that I actually ended up having a really weird dream about Izzy on the Sunday night/Monday morning before going to work. I dreamed that we were actually married to each other, but that I was cheating on her with Ben and wondering if I was straight. It was really short and nothing happened in it, but the idea of it was unsettling. After I got up I felt pretty messed up for the whole morning. I don’t know exactly what it was, but I think I was struggling with it all because it wasn’t just a one-off anymore. I’d had gay oral sex – twice. The second time I had kind of been the one to make it happen too. Not to mention the thing I still wasn’t thinking about…

Looking back I don’t think I felt weird because I felt gay, but I felt weird because I didn’t know if I was *supposed* to feel gay. I know lots of people will say things like ‘oh don’t label yourself’ and things like that, but when it happens to you it’s really hard not to.

I kept having those weird little flashback moments again too, and the one that kept replaying in my brain was Izzy knelt right between my thighs, looking up at me and asking ‘Do you want me to?’, followed by a nod from me. Such a simple question and a simple answer. I think it bothered me because it really got the core of the ‘problem’ for me: I had wanted to do it. I was given a choice and chose to do it. Whenever I stopped doing something else I would mentally drift back to the room and see her awestruck face looking between my legs while I pulled my skirt up, and my stomach would just turn. Kind of like when you remember something really embarrassing you did, even though I wasn’t actually embarrassed by it.

Anyway that first Monday back at work helped enormously. It’s really nice to go to work and see that everyone else is still super busy and the world doesn’t actually revolve around you. So I started to feel a lot better by Monday evening and the whole dream-weirdness was starting to fade anyway. Interestingly, I wasn’t terrified of being near Izzy’s desk or anything that Monday, and all my problems seemed to be internal.

**Tuesday 17th November**

On Tuesday morning, despite my minor inner conflicts, I was not anxious about seeing Izzy at all. I got into work and she was actually already there. It was totally normal. She had some thin cycling gloves crumpled up next to her on the desk while she ate a biscuit with a cup of tea and went over her calendar. I kind of had to suppress a happy giggle at how ‘standard Izzy’ she looked. It was really comforting in an odd way. We smiled at each other and said hello and it was really nice. Really nice to see the person I could share the weirdness with again. It’s so funny to me how completely different it was to a week before.

The previous week I had been agonising over every little detail before I met her again. But that day it was all completely fine. All the angst and everything was just with me and what/who I was, not with Izzy. I did spend a lot of time looking at her out of the corner of my eye though, and trying to sneak longer glances when I could. Like last time I think I was just trying to gauge my own reaction. Still kind of murky really. I didn’t feel conventionally attracted to her, but at the same time she was nice to look at because of how… I don’t know, ‘nice-to-look-at’ she is. I’m hesitant to say ‘attractive’ because I really don’t know if it’s the same thing, but… Gah! I really don’t know. I kind of just go round in circles in my head thinking about it.

Anyway… That day at work went fine. My company really hots up in the run-up to Christmas so we were all kept occupied with our projects. For reference our first meeting had been on the 6th of November and the second had been on the 13th of November.

That evening I felt way better on my way home. It’s hard to describe but I think it’s because seeing Izzy and being at work reassured me that the world wasn’t ending, and that all of reality had not actually been completely turned upside down. Ben and I cooked dinner together with some wine and I just felt really comfortable and close to him. I think it was about that moment that I started just accepting it. I started to accept that it just was what it was. No one had died. Nothing had exploded. Some truly weird stuff had happened but the world was still okay, so maybe I should letting it define everything. For the record, when you’ve always had no trouble accepting yourself it’s really super easy to take it for granted. Having that little luxury taken away for a few days really threw things into perspective for me. I have a lot of respect for people who deal with those kind of issues on a larger scale.

**Wednesday 18th, and Thursday 19th November**

By Wednesday morning I think I was more or less ‘good’ again. I’m not going to go with the super long blow by blow account like last time, but in a nutshell: everything was okay. I waited until Thursday to book a meeting room for our catch up (white films definitely all removed from doors!) because I didn’t want it to be awkward if I did it while Izzy was in, but I actually felt okay about it otherwise.

**Friday 20th November**

Friday morning rolled around and everything was still okay. The week had gone a lot faster than the one before it because I hadn’t been constantly second guessing everything. I had a brief flip-floppy moment where I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to wear again, but I settled on a nice dress. No holdups, no lacy lingerie panties.

That day, everything was just very normal. I was unsurprisingly a little on edge about the catch up, but I was sure in my mind that nothing would happen. Also I was on my period at that point (sorry if TMI!) so funny business was off the cards for that reason anyway. Nonetheless it felt good to be really busy for most of the morning, and when it came time to do the catch-up my brain was all business. I stood up and smiled at Izzy and we both strolled over to the room, sat down inside and had a quiet moment. We both smiled at each other and after a moment Izzy said something like ‘So, is this okay?’, I just laughed and nodded and gestured to the now clear window and we both started giggling a bit. I was just really happy that neither of us felt like we had to take it too seriously.

We had plenty of small talk, because I think we both find the other interesting conversation, and I’m just super chatty anyway, but to be honest the meeting was totally normal and productive. Definitely no weird tension or anything else. I was kind of curious to see if she had brought anything along in her bag, and I’m sure she was equally curious about what I was wearing under my dress, but we both just let it lie. Sorry to disappoint anyone with that super normal Friday!

**Saturday 21st, and Sunday 22nd November**

Over the weekend, I felt sooo much better about everything. Like I had overcome some kind of challenge I had set myself, which I guess I had. It had been pretty much the longest two weeks of my whole life, and I finally felt like it was behind me. My relationship with Ben was really normal, and everything settled back to more or less where it should have been. But it’s not like it got erased from history or anything, and I still thought about it all quite a lot.

**Monday 23rd November**

When Monday came around I found myself thinking a lot more about Izzy than I had expected to. I was at work and the nervousness and weirdness had mostly gone, but I still kept thinking about her. Just random stuff, like the sound of her voice, the kinds of things she says, her smile and her body language. I know *exactly* how all that sounds, but it wasn’t really like a crush (I think). Just kind of a mild obsession with this person who represented a crazy thing in my life. Then again I don’t really know. I mean, the line has to blur at some point right? This is where I start to run in circles in my head again…

**Tuesday 24th November**

Tuesday was pretty much the same, only Izzy was in the office so it was definitely more interesting. She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail which kept reminding me of ‘the first time’. I kept stealing glances at her like I had done the previous week, hoping to feel something (either way) to just answer the questions in my brain. At one point when she came over to ask me a question the sun light went straight through her loose black shirt and I could make out her whole figure, including the bottoms of her boobs. I really hope I didn’t gawp but to be honest I don’t know. I didn’t know if I was excited because it was a surprise, or because I wanted to see more. Either way it was apparent to me that Izzy was still kind of lodged pretty firmly in my brain. I often wondered if she thought about me as much as I thought about her.

To her credit, she was still being awesome about everything. She really is such a cool person, always level headed and mature about everything, but not in a boring way. I don’t know, it’s just hard to feel like a real grown-up when she’s there because she seems so self-possessed. I think it bugs me because I’m older than her, have more professional experience than her, and am her line manager… But then again, the age difference isn’t huge and she’s had a lot of life experiences that I haven’t, so looking at it rationally I shouldn’t expect her to ‘seem’ younger than me.

Okay I’m just rambling again now. Basically, despite my (mostly successful) attempts to just let everything go, there was still a part of me that needed to define how I felt about Izzy. All of that kind of came to a head later that day.

So, that evening (for reference: 1 week and four days after our second ‘meeting’) I was home alone as Ben was in another city with his friends. It’s super rare that I decide to have a slobby night or anything, but I felt like it a bit that night, so I didn’t do anything productive and just had some wine in slouchy clothes with the TV on. Problem was, that my brain was still working on the ‘Izzy problem’. It probably sounds like she was in my every waking thought, but I think I might be overdoing it a bit. I just kept reverting to her when I wasn’t specifically concentrated on something else, so when I was drinking wine in front of the TV, I really couldn’t shake it.

Right then I decided to do something to kick it all out of my head. Writing usually helps me do that, even though I usually don’t do it very much, so I decided to start writing some stuff down about everything, seeing as Ben wasn’t about. So I got my laptop and started writing up brief-notes like the bullets for a report on everything that had happened (I write reports in my job so it’s kind of my natural format now). Those notes eventually became my first post by the way. I probably spent about an hour and a half on it when I only meant to spend about ten minutes, and I didn’t realise until I looked at the clock and saw the time and had a tiny freak out, like ‘*Mind this doesn’t go too far Helen*’. But there was a pretty simple reason I had spent so much time on it. It had been so exciting to relive it on the page. Just writing the notes out felt so bad, like admitting it had actually happened all over again. Notes like “*Helen begins walking back to office; notices wetness on her thighs due to arousal*”, “*After manipulating sexual fluids on Helen’s leg, Izzy begins performing oral sex on her*”. So weird I know, but that’s just how I wrote it.

And so I was sat on the floor in front of my sofa at half past nine, reading back what I had written. I started to read through it all point, going through everything in my memory, and pretty quickly I noticed myself squirming around. I stopped dead straight away, but the feeling was unmistakable. ‘*Oh shit*,’ I thought, *’I’m really horny*’. I just sat there, on the floor not looking at my laptop. There was this voice saying ‘*It’s the wine, delete it all and go to bed*’. Honestly I nearly did. But then I thought about reading more and I got this needy, tensing feeling between my legs and I knew I had to keep going.

I kept clenching and squirming my thighs as I read about what Izzy and I had done, in the third person. The surprise, the ad hoc plans, the second guessing, the tension, the excitement, the pleasure, and all the fluids… Oh god. After a few minutes I got to the end, and I was desperately turned on. I knew exactly what was going to happen next, and I had no intention of stopping it. I checked to make sure the curtains were closed, and set my laptop down next to me. Then without really thinking too much about it, I lifted my bum off the carpet just enough to slide my bottoms and panties all the way down to my ankles in one smooth motion. My panties came away with a strand of wetness that broke and stuck to my leg, and any resolve I had fizzled away. I lifted one leg out, laid back against the sofa, and opened my bare legs. My heart was racing, and I was loving it.

I closed my eyes and just let all the images of Izzy rush back into my head, while my I let my hand slowly move down my thigh from my knee. It’s kind of weird to admit to people other than myself, but I was absolutely imagining it as Izzy’s hand from the first time. Everything felt so vivid. The carpet was rough on my skin, and the air felt cool against my lips. Eventually I stopped denying with myself and started gently rubbing two fingers either side of my outer lips. As I gently forced them to rub up against each other, I could feel how slippery and wet I had gotten. Nothing compared to what I had been like with Izzy obviously, but so much wetter than I had gotten by myself before.

I kept on like that, and it just felt amazing. I’ve never felt so excited while masturbating before, and I wasn’t even really doing it yet. I kept thinking about the first time I’d freaked out about doing this almost a couple of weeks ago, and how completely calm and deliberate I was being now. I was sitting on the floor half naked with a glass of wine, touching my pussy while I thought about a girl.

Then I did it. I slipped my finger gently between my lips, and slid it up through my cum to my clit. Oh my god the pleasure was just instantaneous. I started sliding up and down straight away and I could feel it building immediately. My legs were jittering, and I thought about Izzy sitting there next to me with her hand between them, and I really really wished it was *her* doing it instead of me. And then I locked up and started trembling, and I had a really quiet, shuddery orgasm on the floor by the sofa. I savoured every second of it by thinking about her hands and mouth, and it just felt so good. Such a release.

I spent the next couple of minutes just slowly stroking myself with my eyes closed, kind of smearing my fingers over my vulva. With the heating on and the red wine, I think I may have actually nodded off very briefly. In any case, I kind of woke up from it a few minutes later, just sat there half naked with the tv still on. It felt… weird. Weird because maybe for the first time I actually didn’t feel all freaked out by it. When I look back, I think this is the point at which I started to accept that my self-identity had shifted, even if it was just a little bit. It definitely helped that Ben wasn’t home so I could devote some time to figuring it out in private. The pre-Izzy me seemed to be someone else, and this new Helen was exactly the same but with a little twist. Probably not technically entirely ‘straight’, but definitely not gay, and not even bi either really. Whatever it was, I felt okay with it. I definitely didn’t feel gay or bi, I just felt like my sexuality had grown a weird offshoot from my fascination with Izzy and what we had done. I hadn’t cum while thinking of Izzy because she was a *girl*, but just because of our shared history.

After a while I switched everything off, brushed my teeth, and went to bed (still half naked). I slept like a baby.

**Wednesday 25th November – to – Tuesday 15th December**

And that was that for a little while. Izzy and I would still have our little smirky moments in the office, and we still got on very well, but things finally seemed to be simmering down. I finally stopped stressing over my sexuality, Ben and I were good, and everything was just going fine. The only difference was that occasionally (maybe the equivalent of once or twice a week), I’d feel ‘the urge’ and slip off to the bathroom at home and get myself off. It would just hit me in the middle of cooking dinner, or reading a book, or talking with Ben, and I’d have to say ‘Hold that thought for a moment,’ and excuse myself. A quick trip to the bathroom, lock the door, one foot on the toilet lid and a hand on the sink, other hand under my skirt, panties to side, forty seconds of fast, sticky rubbing, followed by a satisfying, trembly orgasm. Then back out and ‘Sorry, you were saying?’

So that was my life for the next three weeks. I made a point of not talking to Izzy about *any* of this, and that seemed to be going fine. We were very friendly – friendlier than we would otherwise have been – but still definitely professional. We were about part way through December and everything seemed to be staying the same. My work was going well, and Izzy’s project was going well too. She was a little worn out because commitments outside her internship were playing merry hell with her schedule, but she was still upbeat and positive about everything.

**Wednesday 16th December**

I guess the next chapter started on a Wednesday morning in the middle of December. I woke up early from what I think was just a miscellaneous sex dream, and straight away I felt really in the mood. I almost never have sex dreams, so it was kind of exciting to be honest. I lay there kind of squirming around for a bit before I decided I’d have to do something about it. I looked over at Ben and he was still asleep (or so I thought) so I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. I turned on the shower, but it can take a while to heat up. So… I squatted down on the balls of my feet, one hand on the sink to keep myself steady, slipped my hand under my shorts and panties, and wasted no time in trying to get myself off.

About twenty seconds later though, there was a brisk knock on the door that threw me off my game *really* hard. I tore my hand out of my panties and nearly fell over. I kind of fumbled for a moment, but then Ben said sorry for disturbing me, and asked if I could pass him his diary (I still don’t know why he insists on organising his schedule on the toilet). My heart was racing with the suddenness of it, but I started giggling quietly to myself. So silly. I wiped my fingers on my leg, unlocked the door, and handed him the diary from around it, sticking my tongue out at him playfully before closing the door again. The moment was kind of gone to be honest. I just figured I’d see to it later. Also the water was hot by that point so I stripped off and hopped in the shower.

I went to work feeling a little ‘frustrated’ but otherwise okay. Work was pretty normal, the only other thing to mention was that I forgot my gym clothes which was annoying because I regularly go to my gym after work. Izzy was on good form that day, and we had a nice chat over lunch (all very safe for work as it was in the cafe downstairs!). After work I went home to pick up my gym stuff and then headed off for a workout. Only to find that my gym was closed for some emergency maintenance. I was super annoyed. I hate feeling like I’ve wasted time usually, and it was really irritating. I just went home rather than find somewhere else for a one-off, because Ben was cooking dinner and I didn’t want to make him wait.

After dinner I mooched around for a while, but still really felt the need to do something. I get these weird jitters in my legs sometimes when I’m in bed, and it always feels like I need to use them. Also I’d been forced to cancel a few gym trips recently, so I was determined to do something. Then it hit me that my office building actually has a near 24hr gym and pool in it. Never actually been there before because I already had a membership at a gym I like more, but Izzy said she used it occasionally and it was pretty decent. Plus, our office cards automatically get you free entry during off peak hours (timings really aren’t great). So I stuck my swimming stuff in a bag and got ready to head out. It was actually pretty late by this point, and Ben thought I was joking when I said I was going to the office, but he knows what I’m like when I feel the need to exercise so he let me go with just a little bit of teasing.

By the time I parked and got inside it was pretty late, like about ten to eleven. I swiped myself into the gym section and started trying to find my way around. There wasn’t anyone on the desk and there was a sign that said members only after 9pm. I walked past the gym area and there were only like two people in it. Eventually I got to the pool area. It was all fully lit up with big glass doors leading to it, and there was a plastic clock and a sign that said it would be locked up at midnight. No problem. I went in and it was actually a pretty decent size. There was a big sign that said there’s no life guard on duty, but there were two other people in it so I wasn’t completely alone. I went to the changing area through a door off to one side and got ready. Pretty standard black swimming costume with a super sexy swimming cap and a pair of goggles. I put my stuff in a locker and took a quick shower before heading out and diving into the pool.

It was definitely just what I needed. I used to swim a lot when I was younger, so it’s always nice to get back in the pool and really thrash it to burn off some energy. After about forty minutes or so I felt like I had gotten it out of my system, and I didn’t want to be around when they came to lock it up, so I hopped out and noticed that I was almost alone, there was just one other person and she was already walking to the changing room. I had another quick shower by the pool and went to get changed. The changing room is fairly big. It’s like a wide L-shaped corridor with benches in the middle, and some cubicles at the far end. I rounded the corner and the other woman was getting her stuff out of a locker. Mine was a couple of metres away from hers but it was fine. I’m pretty used to communal changing facilities and that kind of thing really doesn’t bother me. I unlocked my locker, grabbed my stuff, and started pulling off my cap and goggles.

As I pulled off my goggles I kind of turned to the side. I know everyone probably saw this coming… But oh my holy shit. It was Izzy. The other woman was Izzy. She had been in the pool with me all along. Fuck.

She was pulling her fingers through her hair when we kind of made eye contact and both came to a screeching halt. Stood there looking at her, it was kind of crazy to me that I hadn’t recognised her. It was her firm, slightly curvy figure exactly. Her cyclist’s legs looked strong and toned, her stomach muscles showed just a little, and I could just about make out her nipples pressed against her wet swimming costume (also black). I had never imagined her in a swimming costume before, but if I had I would have imagined it just like this. Her hair was kind of wild and a little damp, but it was still dark blonde and wavy. Her eyes were wide and blue, and her mouth was open a bit in surprise. I’m sure mine must have been too. My brain just went ‘*Shiiiiiiiiit*’. I really had not been ready for this.

She was the one to break the few seconds of silence and just said ‘Oh wow. Helen. I had absolutely no idea that was you’. I was still shell shocked, but managed to say ‘Um. Yeah, me neither. I mean, that it was you’. We both started laughing a bit. I must have looked so weird. My hair’s really fine, so it does all kinds of stupid things when I take hats and caps off and stuff. ‘How come you’re here so late?’ I asked. She said ‘Oh it just makes sense for my schedule really, plus it’s free obviously. I come here pretty regularly at this time actually’. I recalled her actually saying the exact same thing before, and I know about her sometimes-crazy schedule, so it made complete sense. But my mind was still kind of blown by the coincidence, so it all seemed crazy.

‘What about you?’ she asked. I snapped out of my mini daze and said ‘Uh, my normal gym was closed when I went earlier, but I felt the need you know?’. She nodded. ‘Do you do a lot of swimming?’ I asked. I have no idea why I asked that but I think I was still a bit loopy from the surprise and was just putting out desperate small talk. ‘I do at the moment I guess, because it’s convenient’ she said, ‘You?’. It took me a moment to realise she asked me a question. ‘Er, yeah. I mean, sometimes. I used to do it more’.

I just thought ‘*What is wrong with you Helen? This is not a big deal*’. But for some reason it definitely was. All I could think about was how crazy our relationship was. Were both stood there acting super casual. I could see her talk, and hear her words, and reply about mundane stuff like swimming. But at the same time I was like ‘*This girl has rubbed her face up against my vagina. And I came on it. Twice*’. Then I’d try and reply to her question while my brain was saying ‘*I think about you when I touch myself*’. I was prepared to sweep all that under the rug at work, but not when taken by surprise like this. I must have looked pretty flustered, because I really felt it. But I was excited as well. It occurred to me just at that moment that Izzy and I hadn’t ever called stuff off between us because we hadn’t *enjoyed* it, so to bump into her through no intention from either of us was just… exciting. Can’t really describe it any other way.

At that moment I kind of busied myself with sorting my stuff out, and getting my towel on the bench, and drying off my cap and goggles, and sorting my clothes out etc. But I eventually realised that the next step was actually taking the costume off. That is, getting completely naked in front of Izzy. Like I said I usually have zero problem with that kind of thing in a changing room, but this was different obviously. It’s not that the idea repulsed me, but it just felt so inappropriate. I kind of stood there for a moment, not really doing anything. I think Izzy must have realised what was up, or else had the exact same thought, because she turned to me and said ‘Um. Helen?’.

‘Yeah?’ I said, trying to sound really normal. She looked pretty awkward and said ‘I’m really sorry if this is weird for you. I know it doesn’t need to be a problem, but I’d understand if it is’. She kind of trailed off for a moment and I didn’t really know how to respond. So after a moment she said ‘What I mean is, if you wanted to go use a cubicle instead, I would totally understand. Or you know,*I* could go use a cubicle’.

My brain kind of went to mush as loads of thoughts went through it at once. ‘*I should definitely go use a cubicle*,’ then ‘*But I don’t want to make her feel like this is a big deal*,’ then ‘*But it really kind of is a big deal*,’ then ‘*But it doesn’t have to be if I don’t make it one*’. There were more, but the last one was a quiet thought in my head that I was desperately trying not to listen too, but it was getting louder and louder. It just said ‘*Besides, it’ll be fun exciting*’.

I just stared at her. At her pretty face and strong legs, and the way her boobs were pushed flat against her chest in the swimming costume. And right then I got that fluttery urge, like I needed to go find a private spot and ‘see to myself’. My heart rate picked up a little as I became aware of how I felt, and what I wanted to do. ‘*It’s okay,*’ I thought. ‘*I’ll just agree with Izzy, go to the cubicle by myself, masturbate while thinking about her, and then go home*’.

But that thing happened again, where this daredevil voice kicked in. It’s hard to describe. It’s like being next to the edge of a tall building and there’s this part of you that’s afraid you’ll get too close to the edge and fall off. But then another part of you walks right up to the edge anyway just because it can. So I cleared my throat and said in an overly calm voice ‘No, it’s fine Izzy, honestly. Like you said, it doesn’t have to be weird’. My brain responded with ‘*What the hell am I doing?*’. She smiled at me and said ‘Okay’, looking quite nervous about it. It occurred to me then that I’d be seeing *her* naked too, which was properly weird because all I had been thinking about was being naked myself. So I quickly added ‘I’ll just turn around’.

So I turned around. And stood there. Then I forced my hand up to my shoulder, and started pulling one of the straps down, wondering really hard if Izzy was doing the same. My heart was beating faster now. It just felt so weird and inappropriate. ‘*This shouldn’t be happening*,’ I thought. Then I realised I couldn’t hear Izzy doing anything. So I stopped and slowly turned back around, rolling my shoulder to put the strap back. She was just stood there still, kind of biting her bottom lip and looking really uncomfortable. She said ‘I’m really sorry. I wasn’t trying to watch or anything, it’s just that after… everything… this feels a bit crazy’. Right then we started giggling quietly again while looking at each other. Honestly I think that’s one of the main reasons nothing has gotten super weird between us. We both react to crazy situations by seeing the funny side, which is such a relief.

I was about to joke that it wasn’t anything she hadn’t seen before. But then I realised ‘*Holy crap, yes it is*’. There was only one part of me she had ‘seen’, and getting naked would expose a lot more. And here’s the weird bit: if I’m honest, that really excited me. The thought of showing her more, really excited me. Looking back now I really think I might have thing with ‘showing myself off’ (exhibitionism I guess?). I don’t know if it stems from what Izzy and I did in the room, or if it’s the reason that stuff happened in the first place, but there was this definite, visceral excitement about showing myself to her.

As all this was whirling in my head, I didn’t really know how to approach it. ‘Um… Izzy?’ I said as we stopped laughing. ‘Yeah?’ she said. ‘I don’t think this is any of my business,’ I said, ‘so feel free to just not answer, but have you… been with anyone else? A girl I mean. Since we…’. She went super red at that point and started smiling and said ‘Er, actually no. Been too busy and… Well it’s kind of difficult isn’t it. Not that I’m in a rush. Or even planning it. Or anything. Why do you ask?’. I felt really sorry for her, because she looked as nervous as I felt and I had kind of put her on the spot.

‘I was just wondering…’ I said trying to sound calm, ‘Well, I was obviously the *first* girl yeah?’. She just nodded and said ‘Yeah’. So I continued and said ‘Well… I really don’t know how to put this’. I kind of stalled for a moment, because I really did not know how to put it. Eventually she said ‘Whatever it is, don’t worry about it. You can say whatever you want’. She must have been dying to know what I was trying to say, but I still couldn’t think of a vague way of putting it, so I just blurted out ‘You haven’t actually seen… boobs. Right? Sexually I mean. I’m guessing you’ve seen boobs before’. She laughed and stayed really red. Like, really red. I think she’s the only person I’ve actually ever seen blush properly.

She smiled and scratched her head nervously. ‘I suppose not’, she said. I mean, I’ve seen them obviously, but not like *that*’. She looked back at me expectantly (or confused, I don’t know). Oh my god my heart was flipping out. It’s bad enough when you’re sat down, but we were both still stood up and I was feeling kind of floaty. I knew what I was going to say next, but it was still weird to hear the words come out of my mouth. ‘I don’t want to make this weird,’ I said, ‘But. I don’t mind if you see them. Mine I mean. While I’m changing… As in, don’t feel like you have to look away, if you don’t want to’.

‘*Oh no, I actually said that*,’ I thought. I had basically just told this bi girl that she could check out my boobs while I changed, as if it was some minor totally platonic thing, like using my antiperspirant or something. In my head I tried telling myself it was nothing, and that I was just doing her a favour: charitably flashing ‘the girls’ to the poor deprived bisexual. But I knew straight away that was a load of rubbish. It was as much – if not more – for me than for her.

She just stood there like someone had frozen her or something. Regret started to seep into me after a few seconds. ‘*What am I even doing? She’s still my intern!*’ I thought. I kind of waited, just hoping one of us would say something. There was probably only like five seconds of silence, but it was excruciating. Eventually she said ‘Uh. Are you joking?’. ‘*Oh shit,*’ I thought, ‘*I’ve finally gone too far. This is it*’. She just stood there with this stone cold expression on her face, waiting for me to answer.

Then she shook her head and laughed and said ‘Crap, I’m really sorry Helen. I promise I didn’t mean for that to sound sarcastic. I just honestly don’t know if you were joking’.

The relief hit me hard. Honestly, that moment alone was such a rush. Looking back I think this whole ‘thing’ has given me an adrenaline addiction or something. I laughed too, ‘*Now’s your chance*,’ I thought, *’just say it was a dumb joke*’. I cleared my throat and said ‘Um. Not a joke? … But please forget I said anything if that’s weird’, while kind of waving my hands. ‘*What!? Stop. Doing. This*’. We stood there for another few moments. Then Izzy said ‘I mean. I wouldn’t. Er. Obviously that would be… a nice thing. But. I don’t know…. Do you *want* me to look?’

The answer was absolutely yes. I have no idea why, but I wanted her to see. I wanted her to look and enjoy it. I had been doing so well with everything, but my resolve was just crumbling around me, and I wanted her to see. I said ‘Well. Not for me. But I’m gonna be naked anyway. Soooo… if you wanted to look… then you could. That would be nice I mean. For you. Hopefully. And me?’ I was such a mess. I don’t remember exactly what I said obviously, but I remember that it didn’t make much sense to either of us. This was pretty much the most awkward exchange of my life. We were both smiling nervously, and I feel like I could see her trying not to look at my body, but I don’t know if I was imagining it. We had both built up this boundary between us, and I was just pulling it down chunk by chunk while she watched and did nothing to stop me.

**Continued in comments. Shorter than last time I promise.**

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/45g98e/i_cheated_on_my_boyfriend_at_work_ff_3