The time I two pump chumped and creampied the waitress who wouldn’t take no for an answer. [MF]

This story goes out to all the dudes who suck at sex. I’m one of you, and here’s my weird, strangely satisfying story about a time that I felt perfectly guilt-free about having bad sex.

This was from several years ago and is a super bizarre story but still strangely a turn on for me. I was probably 26 at the time. I haven’t told anyone this. It’s really embarrassing actually. (PS I’d love to hear more of your bad or embarrassing sex stories though.)

Anyway, I was at a bar watching music with some friends, and I notice this waitress keeps smiling at me throughout the night. She was ok looking. White, short, a little chubby for my tastes, but curvy in an OK way with a super cute face and a slutty smile. I’ll call her Jen. Oh right, I’m a skinny, kinda nerdy looking white guy. Lol.

So I chatted with Jen a couple times throughout the night as she brought drinks around about the music that was on, her recent graduation, plans for the weekend, our mutual plans to go to our respective homes and smoke some herb after the show. I’m pretty obvlivious. I thought that she was flirting with me but I wasn’t really sure. The uncertainty made me kind of nervous. But the look on her face and her body language made me think she was interested.

I didn’t really know what my intentions were that night (story of my life.) Part of me definitely wanted to bust a nut, but I wasn’t that attracted to her. “I really want to just go home and get high and go to sleep” I told myself. “No, be cool man! You’re a star! Go grab that pussy!” (I’ve since gained the self awareness that my sex drive is very low relative to most dudes, and I now consider myself to be in a super uncomfortable position in between asexual and heterosexual. You can infer from my post history that this has caused me a lot of existential anxiety. Any medical or spiritual advice is welcome!)

Anyway, the night ends and the bar starts to close a bit early since it’s slow. My friends have left, and Jen and I are chatting a little more as we both get ready to leave.

“I live just down the street. Want to come smoke a joint?” She asks me. I’m not one to turn down a joint, so I gladly accept the invite. We start walking, and we keep walking. God damn she lives far. I’m so tired! I woke up early that day, and I had to wake up early the next day too. I really just want to get high and go to sleep. But it’s nice chatting and brushing up against a girl who’s interested and is mostly cute, ya know? So I keep walking. It’s painfully clear that she’s interested at this point, but I still don’t know if I am. I decide I’ll just go enjoy some herb while I choose not to decide about pursuing pussy (again, the story of my life). I tell myself that I can just go home as soon as we blaze this J.

We get to her house, and it’s like 1AM. I’m really tired at this point. Turns out we have to wait for her roommates to get there with the herb. They should be home any minute, so we sit around awkwardly chatting and waiting while it gets to be 2AM. I can barely keep my eyes open.

The roommates finally get there and we all chitchat and finally get blazed on some joints. 3AM or so and the roommates go to sleep. So now it’s just me and Jen sitting on the couch. I’m fighting to stay awake and murmuring about how I need to go home and sleep as she’s all snuggling up close. “No, it’d be too awkward if I just leave now. That’s not what society has conditioned me to do,” I think to myself. So I just do what seems like the appropriate thing and lean in for the kiss.

We make out for a few minutes, with me being on complete autopilot because I’m both super tired and not that into it. Just succumbing to social expectations and doing what I feel like I’m supposed to in all honesty. My hands start roaming, going up her shirt just a bit. And as my hands roam I confirm to myself that I’m really not into Jen. I’m not turned on by what I’m grabbing on. I’m not enjoying kissing this girl. I just want to go home and sleep.

At this point I’m pretty much operating in a dream state.

So I pull back from kissing after a couple lackluster minutes and tell her that I have an early morning and really just need to stop and go to sleep. She says OK, gets up and grabs me by the hand, and I get up and start walking along behind her toward the door. I’m so out of it and docile at this point. But she turns, and now I’m following her upstairs. Now we’re in her bedroom. Ok. (You may wonder if I got roofied or something. No, I didn’t. My state was consistent with what weed+alcohol+being tired does to me.) I just collapse onto her bed fully clothed and lie there face down as I give in to the inevitable plummet into slumber.

But moments later I wake back up, although still in dream state, to her climbing onto the bed and straddling my lower back, and starting to massage my shoulders. I awkwardly crane my neck around and see that she’s taken off everything but her panties. She’s rocking back and forth on me and her huge but not that attractive tits are swinging back and forth as she grinds her pussy into my lower back. I’m not into this.

I tell her “Jen, I’m sorry. But I’m so out of it and tired. I really can’t do this right now.” She pouts and unstraddles me and slowly crawls next to me, lifting my arm over her and pushing me onto my side so that I’m facing her, and pressing her tits against my chest (which still has a shirt on.) I’m not at all hard and am still 90% asleep.

Her face ended up less than an inch from mine as I plummeted back into slumber. I start dreaming of super sexy and slobbery, tongue-filled kisses. But wait! It’s not a dream. It suddenly feels really good having this mostly naked woman planked up against my body with our mouths mashing together. This is different than the couch makeout session. I seem to be fullly participating in this one. Without any conscious thought, my hand reaches around behind her and goes straight into her panties and grabs what turns out to be an incredibly nice ass. She moans as I squeeze it. Grabbing her ass was like squeezing some pump for my dick. Boom! Instant hardon. In my dream state, I reach my hand deeper into her panties and start playing with the juciest pussy lips I’ve ever encountered. I have no idea how this situation made her so turned on and wet. Still in dream state and instinct mode, I tease her pussy with my fingers in this super awkward wrap around position, before moving around my hand to the front side (still awkward position) and playing with her pussy from a slightly better angle. All the while she’s unbuttoning my shirt and licking/kissing my nipples.

At this point I think I recognized I was going to bust a nut one way or another. Time to do this shit and go to sleep. I unbutton my pants and pull them plus my boxers down just enough for my dick to pop out, and I start pressing teasing and mashing against her pussy through her soaked panties. It feels really good. I’m really able to push her panties back in there with my dick. It’s almost like a condom. She’s way into this and is pushing down hard onto my dick. She reaches down and pulls her panties to the side and starts rubbing the head of my dick against her pussy. Oh my god it was so juicy. I don’t even know if I penetrated her or not in that position. She wasn’t tight.

After a minute of this, Jen gets back up from beside me and quickly pulls her panties off and my pants and boxers the rest of the way off as I roll over onto my back. She crawls on top of me from in front with this super horny look on her face and proceeds to lie down on me, with her tits against my now bare chest and her face right in front of mine. I start instinctively mashing mouths again as she’s writhing her hips around trying to mash her pussy onto my dick. Finally the pieces connect and she starts to rock down and up, with my dick going deeper into her cavern with each grind.

I state my intention one more time. “Jen, I don’t want to do this. I’m sorry. I don’t even have a condom.” “It’s ok! I’m on birth control.” she tells me as she sinks my dick into her as far as it will go and grinds on it. She just lets it soak inside her for a few seconds, slowly moving her hips around, before lifting up off of my face and arching back into full cowgirl position as she stays impaled by my dick.

“Damn those tits are not a turn on” I thought to myself as she started to lift herself up and down on my dick. “I’m done with this” I thought to myself. It was all over. The neurochemical reaction started as I felt the warm and tingly sensation of orgasm rush down my torso toward my dick. It was literally her second or third pump in cowgirl position, and I just let it flow.

She keeps riding, but my dick quickly goes completely soft in her. After a few more pumps it’s clear to her that there’s no more horse for her to ride. She lets out this disappointed “awww” and gets up off the bed. I don’t really give a fuck at her disappointment at this point though. I mean, she did just rape me. I just turn on my side and immediately complete my plummet into deep slumber.

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/91sllr/the_time_i_two_pump_chumped_and_creampied_the