It all started with a rogue gaze. Who’d ever think that I’d be thrown to hell over and over because of that one gaze…
He had died. My friend, your lover. At that time, death was all too common for my part, but even I shed a tear or two at the burial. He was a nice guy, and he shouldn’t have been taken. When I gave you that one hug, I was honest. I wanted to take over your pain so that you wouldn’t suffer. However, it was all in vain. The harder I pressed you into me, the more you cried, and in the end, I had no more weight on my shoulders than what I had to start with. Shame really, as I’d have loved to take away your pain. I’m accustomed to suffering. You weren’t.
It was when the ceremony ended that you looked at me with those icy, blue eyes of yours. I do not know if it was something I imagined, but it looked like there was a glimmer of happiness hiding behind all the sadness. Now, when it’s all over, I think that one moment was the most honest one that we had.
In the beginning, I only thought of you when I was drunk. The guilt I felt for being attracted to you when he was dead made me stop drinking so that I wouldn’t think of you anymore.
You then started appearing in my dreams. At first, I tried not to sleep. I was actually more or less successful for a day or two, but eventually, I fell asleep and we met again in my dreams. It was always your hazy gaze that haunted me when I woke up in the morning.
One day, I was in serious pain, so I needed to take a few painkillers in order to sleep. When I woke up, I couldn’t remember dreaming of you. In order to kill the guilt of dreaming of you, I started taking painkillers every day before I went to bed. And guess what? It worked.
See no evil… For a while, it was all good. Besides the occasional act of moaning your name while having sex, you were… buried. I even managed to believe the lies I told myself about having forgotten about you. You know, “ignorance is bliss”. For a while, I was blissful.
All good things come to an end, and this was no exception. The day I saw you at the train station, my entire castle of self-deceit crumbled into dust. I realized how I had been lying to myself. How I had hidden behind a curtain all this time. I realized how strongly I desired you.
That night, I didn’t take any painkillers before going to sleep, as I already had been thinking of you the entire day. Most of these thoughts were innocent, but some were everything but. I thought about how you’d look naked in front of the fireplace at your house, about how your lips would feel against my lips. I thought about how you’d react to me pinning you against his tombstone and violating your body. Ignoring the guilt, I eventually fell asleep.
A week or so later, I saw you once again. This time, you were waiting for the bus. I could clearly see the bliss in your face when I said “hi”. When I told you that I had to leave after chatting a minute or two, you asked for my number. You shouldn’t have. I was ready to forget about you as I had gotten some kind of closure right there. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I knew I would succeed. When you asked for my number, a new tale began…
A month or so passed, and you texted me, asking how I was doing. I don’t remember why, but I didn’t send you a reply back then, so I was mildly surprised when you sent me another message, asking me out to dinner. What surprised me even more was my own reply… I told you I’d love to have you over for dinner as long as you brought a bottle of red wine.
For our date, I had made some pizza. I guess I was just trying to postpone the inevitable by killing the romance. What I didn’t know was the fact that you loved pizza.
After the pizza, we opened up the bottle of wine. It was actually rather romantic, and the more we drank, the closer we got to eachother, and the closer we got to eachother, the harder it got not to kiss you.
You know me, I dislike struggling… I kissed you, and I was genuinely surprised when you kissed me back. After the shock wore off, I pinned you to the ground, placing myself between your legs. You didn’t oppose to me acting this way. Neither did I meet any resistance when I forcefully tore off your clothes one by one… This… Wasn’t how I wanted this to be.
I stopped, looked you in the eyes and told you with a commanding and rather cold tone that I wanted you to struggle. You were obedient… And one hell of an actor. When I tried ripping off your bra, you started scratching me. You even hit me back when I slapped your face for resisting me. However, in the end, you were completely submissive to me, and I had won… As I always do.
I used your bra to tie your arms behind your back before taking off my own clothes. Even though I was rather brutally pulling your hair while you had me in your mouth, I could feel that you enjoyed it perhaps a bit too much.
I then turned you around, grabbed your tied arms behind your back and started teasing you. I clearly told you that I’d continue teasing you until you begged me to thrust it deep within you and again, you were obedient. Inch by inch, I slowly went inside you. Your gasping for air when I started pulling out, turned me on more than words can ever describe. I wanted to take your breath away. Literally.
I led you to the bathroom where I had a mirror, and started fucking you again. I then let go of your tied arms and rather grabbed your neck and started tightening my grip while watching your face in the mirror. When you realized what I was about to do, I saw a small spark of terror in your eyes before your gaze faded and you dazed off.
I held onto your neck a bit more before slapping your face and welcoming you back into consciousness. When I caught your eyes in the mirror, I noticed that the terror was replaced by enjoyment. You smiled at me before telling me that he hadn’t ever fucked you like this. I smiled back and told you that I was already going to hell, so I really didn’t care too much anymore.
I remember us doing everything imaginable that night. I also remember all the bruises you had on your body as well as all the blood you had under your nails when we were done. How you had orgasm after orgasm… How you gasped for air every single time I strangled you. How you told me you had fallen for me when we woke up that morning… But most of all, I remember the guilt that came crawling and started eating away at me every single time we met after that.
A while ago, I heard that you had OD’ed. You know what the funny part was? Well, who cares… You’re no longer around.
Rest in peace, Angel. For what it’s worth, I think of you every single time I hit the bottle.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/3m3eoh/mf_the_inferno