Downing Abbey – Chapter 14

**(Lucas)**

It’s amazing how many times a person can puke on an empty stomach.

I haven’t been able to keep any food down all week, though I’m not sure if what the 7-11 downstairs sell can be classified as food. Call me high-brow but hard perogies and cold wings weren’t exactly soul food.

In the same pair of sweats that I ran in this morning, I was splayed across my couch, watching ESPN and counted eight bottles of beer on the table counter.

Below my daily average for the week, but the day was still young.

I’d been living in a state of half-daze, the only things I could feel were painful as fuck, so I preferred the numbness of a perpetual half-drunken state, and whenever I felt myself lifting back into full-consciousness, another Sam Adams ferried me right back.

I shut myself in all week, and this morning I woke up feeling that thread of sanity becoming dangerously thin. I didn’t want any human interaction – even the nonsensical grumbles I shared with Jared at the Sev was too much, so I decided a run was a good middle ground. I’d at least be *among* people.

Four days of self-neglect showed quickly, as my legs began burning after the second mile. But I ran nine, and only stopped because my legs felt like they were literally on fire. I leaned against a lamppost to catch my breath, and exposed on a busy street, just cried in the open daylight.

Garrett would have a field day seeing this.

Speaking of family, they’ve been blowing up my phone, so I kept that buzzy bitch on silent. Though he needed help, I left my cases in the hands of Steve. The only one he doesn’t know about is Abigail’s.

Abigail.

I swallowed dryly. The sting of fresh tears warned, and I knocked down another half-bottle to quell that line of thinking.

The scattered pounding of fists on doors told me there were multiple people on the other side, and I didn’t have to guess twice to know who they could be. I saw the message from Jillian telling me they were coming over today, and I told her to fuck off.

‘I thought I made myself very clear, I mumbled as I opened the door. ‘I didn’t want – ’

‘What the fuck is going on with you? What the actual fuck?’ Jillian stormed in and stopped suddenly. ‘Why does it smell like a dumpster in here?’

‘Yeah cousin, it’s a damn zoo here, pee-ew’ Steven exclaimed, scrunching up his nose.

Chris and Jacob followed him, and they exchanged a loaded glance with each other after seeing the empty beer bottles.

‘I want you to tell me exactly why you’ve missed four days of work,’ Jillian called out, hands on her hips.

‘We’ve been covering your ass all week, so I’d like an explanation as well,’ Chris said as he opened a window.

Work used to be the center of my universe and now, now I didn’t fucking care one bit. ‘I’m dealing with it, alright?’ I snarled, traipsing back to my throne of throws and couch pillows, picking up my unfinished bottle.

‘Dealing with *what* exactly?’ Jillian pried, grabbing the bottle from my hand.

‘I wasn’t finished with that!’ I shouted, palm extended.

Jacob whistled. ‘Beer, hockey, and sweats? I’d say it’s girl problems,’ he said as he clasped a hand over my shoulder, which I promptly shrugged off. ‘I can’t say I’ve been there, but I can damn well recognize the signs. This is why I don’t do love.’

‘Who says I love her?’ I growled, folding my arms defensively, as a wave of emotions surged through me. I bit my lip and looked away, head shaking from my efforts to barricade the pain. The stinging overtook me, tears overflowing through my eyes. ‘I – I – I love her *so* much!’ I half-sobbed half-wailed, gripping Jacob’s suit sleeve so hard I dragged him down into me. I folded him into a bear hug as I cried into his shoulder.

‘Uh, guys, a little help here,’ Jacob cried hoarsely, breath squeezed out of him.

‘Christ, all this for a girl Luke?’ Chris said, shaking his head. ‘I liked Abigail too, but I never knew it was this serious. Love? Jesus.’

‘They’ve been showing their *love* all around the office too,’ Steve mumbled, taking a seat on the loveseat.

‘Shut the fuck up!’ I hollered, slapping Jacob’s back in frustration.

‘Guys! Get me out of here!’ Jacob shouted, a little desperation creeping into his voice.

‘Alright, alright,’ Chris said as he freed Jacob from my grasp with ease, ‘what the fuck happened? I want the whole story, Brimstone.’

I probably thought through the sequence of events in my head a hundred times, and was able to regurgitate it easily. You’d think the pain of cycling through that night again would be dulled by now but my gut still fell into hell when I got to the part of her leaving.

I asked if they wanted to know explicitly what happened in bed, and while the men all shrugged, Jillian drew the line there.

‘You left something out,’ Steve said, eyebrows furrowed. ‘What did you do to make her leave like that?’

‘She definitely got spooked,’ Jacob nodded swinging a leg over the other. He made sure to sit on the far side of the couch, between Chris and I.

‘I already told you, I have no idea,’ I mumbled, melting into the pillows. ‘She just freaked out and left. I swear I didn’t do *anything*.’

Chris shook his head. ‘I don’t know what you did, but you did something,’ he said.

‘I’m *telling you*, I did nothing different than usual!’ I pleaded.

‘Ugh,’ Steve frowned, hugging his knees.

‘I’m going to fucking kill you!’ I screamed, and rose with a drawn fist.

As Steve hid behind Jacob and Chris fought to subdue me, a sharp gasp from Jillian froze the manic scene.

She scanned the eyes of the room, realizing that everyone was looking at her before landing her gaze at me.

‘Fucking shit.’

____________________________________________________________________

**(Abigail)**

Work, eat, sleep, repeat.

Time was a fickle bitch, moving at half speed and at the end of each day all I wanted was a soak and sleep. I was finally getting my money’s worth out of my tempur-pedic mattress since I’ve been spending most nights on *his* bed for the past few months. It was a lot firmer than mine.

Sleeping so often in my own bed was strange. It was unsettling waking up without a warm body and I was used to *his* gentle hums breaking the silence of the morning.

I was trying, and failing to not think about *him*.

Though I was now the master of my own shower temperature and I could have it a hair under sizzling where I preferred, the hot water felt numb on my skin. Everything was numb, and I didn’t even need a bottle of scotch to get there.

Misery loves company, but I settled for ice cream, and I’ve been spending quality time with my stash of Haagen Daz. I never knew that the spoon altered the experience so much. See, with a regular round spoon, you scoop up too much, and you end up finishing the entire bowl in ten minutes. *But*, if you get a gelato spoon (the kind that’s small with a shovel nose) then you can prolong the experience, doubling the fun. I had a set coming in the mail through Amazon.

I could hardly wait.

Though my fat ass should have been visible from Google Earth now, I haven’t had an appetite for actual food. But I told myself I was still getting all the vitamins and minerals I needed from “Cherry Garcia” and “Chunky Monkey”.

I guess the calories evened out, and somehow I was still able to fit into my wardrobe, hiding my stagnation to the outside world. My even weight was like a cosmic message, telling me that nothing was changing about my situation.

But everything had changed, hadn’t it? Like a dagger to my side, the pain was sharp, and with each pulse of agony I was reminded that the catalyst was me.

I barely heard the doorbell ring, and it was only when I recognized the pounding of peppering fists that I angled back into consciousness. Rising from the water that could have been 40 or 100 degrees – I couldn’t feel it – I wrapped myself in a bathrobe and shuffled across my apartment.

My phone was blowing up was well, and while I was supposed to be available to customers after work, they could shove it today.

My fist closed around the doorknob and pulled, and I made eye contact with a middle-aged woman with worry-wrinkles dented into her forehead and the same shade of copper-brown hair I had.

‘Mom?’ I croaked.

_______________________________________________________________________

**(Lucas)**

I didn’t know what to say. All I knew was that I wanted to scream until the windows shattered.

‘Luke, I’m –’

‘Sorry?’ I said sharply. ‘Is that what you are Jillian? I’ve heard enough of that and it’s not worth a damn.’

Silence swept over us, and in the quiet killjoy, Jillian looked over at Chris, who shook his head. No get-out-of-jail cards today Jill.

Jacob stood with his hands in his pockets, Chris mirroring him, and suddenly the floor was all too interesting to avoid looking at.

It was Steve who broke the numb atmosphere. ‘How does she not know about Pamela yet? You’re kind of late in the whole catch you up with the skeletons in my closet conversation.’

I sank into the couch pillows and looked out the window Chris opened. ‘We never talked about that. Obviously I would have told her eventually but *someone* made sure to beat me to it,’ I said with passive-aggression glazed all over the words.

‘Look Luke it’s not an excuse, but you saw the state I was in that day, I was so tanked I was seeing triple,’ Jillian offered, voice quiet. ‘For what it’s worth, I’ll be happy to clear things up with Abigail for you.’

I stood up, waving a finger in the air like a flaming torch in front of a hungry wolf. ‘No, just no. You’ve done more damage than you can heal and I’m not risking another slip of your tongue.’

‘Are *you* going to talk to her?’ Chris pitched.

‘Eventually,’ I muttered. ‘Hopefully.’

‘Yeah you’re really exuding confidence,’ Jacob said with a sarcastic roll of his eyes. ‘Let Jill handle this, you’re going to fall into a pile of broken man in front of her without some third-party intervention to level the playing field.’

I shook my head, throwing my hands up in the air. ‘Whatever, one anchor is already tired to my ankles anyways, why not tie on another.’

‘That’s the spirit,’ Jacob snorted.

‘Jake, Steve, we’re going to sort this asshole out,’ Chris said, taking control of the situation and finding his comfort zone. ‘Jill . . . good luck.’

‘Are we taking him to the spa? I know, let’s start him off with a nice mud bath, then an anti-aging facial, and finish off with maybe a margarita pedicure?’ Steve said, bouncing off the walls.

‘What? No, I was thinking more like a shower and a long drive,’ Chris retorted with a scowl. ‘The fact that you know so much Steve . . .’

Jake, Chris and I all looked at each other and burst out laughing.

‘Whatever, get back to me in twenty years when you’re all looking like scrotums on New Year’s eve.’

‘Uh . . . I’m going to head out and find Abigail. I’m going to fix this Luke,’ Jill said as she hugged me awkwardly, and buzzed out the door.

The second time this week a woman stormed out of my apartment, but at least this time I wasn’t left swallowing my ache alone.

__________________________________________________________________

**(Abigail)**

‘What are *you* doing here?’ I said a little too pointed, and my furrowed brows didn’t help either.

My mom walked by me and set her handbag on my couch, which was littered with Haagen Dazs lids. ‘Well, is that the right way to greet your mother after she flew five hours to see you?’ she snapped back.

I stood there, and I was a little girl being scolded by her mom again. ‘No mom, sorry,’ I said, sighing. ‘I’ve just been a little out of it today.’

She scanned the room, and the couch was only the beginning. Plastic bags were piled up in a corner, receipts scattered nearby, shoes were entangled in a mess next to the shoe rack as a result of aimless throws, the room was dark on one side from a light bulb that needed to be replaced but has yet to be, couch pillows were on opposite ends of the room, and a splotch of brown tainted the cream rug. ‘A little?’ she asked sarcastically.

I snorted and it turned into a giggle. It was the first time I had laughed all week.

‘Okay mom, so why the sudden visit?’ I asked while clearing the couch of litter. ‘I’m glad to see you and all but it’s a bit of a surprise.’

‘A man named Lucas Brimstone called me,’ she said, and my hands froze, the plastic bag full of lids dangling in the dead air. She gave a knowing exhale. ‘Looks like you *know* who I’m talking about?’

I nodded, and continued cleaning, knuckles white from gripping the bag so hard. ‘What did he say?’ I said with a plastic smile, failing to keep my voice even.

She narrowed her eyes at me for a second. ‘He mainly wanted to know how you were,’ she said. ‘And I didn’t know what to tell him.’

I bit my lip. ‘Did he ask you anything else?’ I called out from the kitchen where I threw away the shameful evidence.

‘No, not much else came out of that boy’s mouth. Not words anyways,’ she nodded, raising a brow. ‘Come over here Abbs,’ she said, opening her arms and I surrounded myself in her soft squeeze. ‘I didn’t fly all the way here to buy the baloney you’re selling, so you may as well lay it out.’

I swallowed after letting out a deep sigh. The damn woman knows every time. ‘I hurt him mom, I really hurt him,’ I whispered as I closed my eyes.

She squeezed my shoulder. ‘That much was obvious. I’ve never heard a man fight so hard against tears.’

I shook my head, fighting my own that were welling up behind my eyes. ‘He is a *really* good man,’ I whispered. It was true. He found a way to be vulnerable and open with me even after playing third fiddle in his ex’s orchestra. And I destroyed him for it.

‘Do you love him?’ she asked gingerly, as if I was made of fine china.

‘I don’t know,’ I uttered simply, hugging my shins around me and locking my fingers together. ‘How am I supposed to know mom?’

‘Mm…’ she hummed. ‘Isn’t that the question we all want to know the answer to,’ she said. ‘Want to know a secret?’

I looked up at her easy smile and nodded.

‘Sometimes, I don’t love your father,’ she whispered, shaking her head slightly. ‘Once in a while.’

My hands fell from my ankles. ‘I don’t –’

‘Love is work,’ she continued, rubbing my arm. ‘It takes effort. From both sides. Marrying your father was the second best decision of my life after you, but if I’m being honest, I didn’t love your father when I met him. I thought I did. I mean he was such a looker . . . the military really pumps out some beefy men you know.’

I separated myself from her a few inches, creating a chasm of confusion between us. ‘First of all, ew, I don’t want to know about how hot dad was. Second, mom, I don’t understand. You’re scaring me,’ I said definitively.

She put her hands up. ‘You’re right, I shouldn’t have said that,’ she said. ‘But look Abbs, I’m very happy. Your father and I built a beautiful thing together, and my point is that you never really know. It’s just a gut feeling.’

I stood and began pacing the room. It was something that I did whenever I needed to process something.

After what seemed like an hour, I turned to my mom, and said, ‘Does dad know how you feel?’

She smiled at me. ‘Of course, we’ve discussed this years ago.’ She shifted in her seat. ‘A relationship won’t work without *absolute* transparency.’

Her words bit into me, and I sat on the opposite couch, hair in my hands, staring into that fucking stain.

‘He doesn’t know how you feel yet,’ she said to herself. ‘It’s because of Sam isn’t it?’

The damn woman always knows.

‘I couldn’t mom, I just couldn’t,’ I said with an empty voice. ‘God mom, what do I do?

She brought herself over to me, and forced me to look at her. ‘I can’t make that choice for you Abbs, you’re going to have to figure out what you want.’

‘I don’t know what I want,’ I said, closing my eyes. ‘Not right now anyways.’

‘That’s okay, you don’t have to know right now,’ she said, rising. ‘Because right now, we’re going to clean up this hellhole of an apartment. Really Abbs, I raised you better than this.’

I ushered out a dry laugh. ‘It’s not usually like this. Let’s get dinner afterwards? How long are you staying mom?’

‘Make that dinner and drinks. I don’t get many chances to be away from your father,’ she said. My dad was a former alcoholic, and my mom made sure to keep temptations away from him, not drinking even one Mai Tai in Hawaii or a shot of tequila in Cancun. ‘And I’m staying for as long as it takes.’

I hugged her, and I knew this was what I needed – family.

I hope Luke’s family will take care of him, because I didn’t know if I would ever be able to again.

Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/7m9m1l/downing_abbey_chapter_14