Downing Abbey – Chapter 13

**(Abigail)**

While July was the time to rock pencil skirts and sleeveless blouses, I felt the need to hide more than ever. There were only a handful of initiates who I shared my private encounters with, and my parents were certainly not on that list.

It’s been three weeks since we spoke, and if I was being honest that made me feel an inch tall. I tried to keep a weekly schedule, but somehow a phone call with them was always pushed into the “optional” category. Sitting cross-legged on my living room couch, I grabbed a blanket and dialed their number, and it almost rang out before mom picked up.

‘Well if it isn’t our Apples. See Stan, I knew she’d call soon. Your dad thought you’d forgotten about us honey.’ Her voice was a balm for me, and I snuggled closer into the throw rug.

‘Mom, don’t do that. Don’t make me feel even more guilty than I already do,’ I murmured into the receiver. I wanted to give her a hug and then tell her all about Luke – one was impossible and the other . . . well I didn’t need that kind of overbearing protectiveness all over my ass right now.

‘Honey, we both know how busy you are, and if I’m being honest I’m a little apprehensive about how hard you’re pushing,’ she said before I heard dad butt in. ‘Apples! Hey sweet pea, we’ve missed ya!’

‘Hi dad,’ I smiled. ‘You sound energetic. You getting enough sleep these days?’

My father served in the United States army for eleven years before he found mom. Shotgun shrapnel to the calf landed him the Purple Heart, but the institutional machine chewed him up and spat him out. After all the recognition and ceremonies, he was left with a slap on the back and the diagnosis of complex PTSD. He struggled to hold a job for years, and it wasn’t until they moved to Colorado when he began using medical marijuana as a means for coping.

‘I’m getting “baked” as the younglings call it nowadays,’ he laughed, and it was nice to hear him with such high spirits. ‘Seriously, this stuff is great! Knocks me right out. Though you have to be careful, a few strains will put down an ox.’

‘That’s great dad. You sound so happy. How are you two doing otherwise?’

‘Well, there’s not much for us to do around here if I’m being honest. Retirement doesn’t suit us, not one bit. Like we say Apples, if you’re not moving forward –’

‘– you’re moving backwards,’ I finished. It was the phrase that pulled me through every statistics final and all the late nights at Bloomingdales.

‘That’s right. So we’re thinking of starting a dog daycare.’

I frowned. ‘Out of all things dad, a dog daycare is not something I would have thought.’

After my dad’s German was run over by a semi, he never had the heart to replace her. Dogs were a sensitive topic for dad.

‘I know, I know. But you have to move on at some point.’

Whatever was in the green he was smoking, it was working wonders.

‘You remember how I used to train canines on the unit? I thought it’d be a good idea.’

‘Well, it you think it might –’

‘– Let me on the damn phone Stan!’ mom ushered. The crackling sound of the phone brushing up against fabric irritated my eardrum before mom came back on. ‘He’s always hogging the phone . . . anyways Abbs, I was saying about your schedule. It’s too much.’

‘I know mom, but I’m in a managerial position – they pay me for my time,’ I explained, not liking the direction this conversation was heading.

‘Still, when will you have time to meet a man? To start a family?’ And in a faint voice from across the room, I heard dad holler, ‘you take your time sweet pea!’

‘Stan, honey, can I finish?’ she called out sweetly before grumbling lowly into the phone, ‘I swear, men can be such buffoons.’

‘And you’re telling me to find one myself,’ I giggled.

‘There’s some good one’s out there, you’ve just got to reel it in at work a bit and find one.’

I shifted the phone to my other side and tucked my free hand between my legs. ‘But how do you know if they’re a good one?’ I asked, trying for casual.

‘Well, from your side, if you can’t go five minutes without thinking about him, that’s a *good* sign,’ she said. ‘And from his, if he shows you that he always puts you first, then that’s a keeper.’

I thought about all the little consolations Luke offered me. ‘Is that how it should always be?’ I asked.

‘Oh honey,’ she said. ‘Who’s idea do you think the dog daycare was?’

______________________________________________________________

‘I mean, I appreciate reminders that I’ve still got it, but pushing hard-ons into my thigh at dinner is kind of low-class,’ Jillian sighed. ‘Not to mention the good night kiss. Fucking saliva city.’

I shrugged and took another sip of the artisan wine. ‘I don’t know about the wet smooching, but I don’t mind a little under-the-table foolery,’ I smirked, pumping my brows.

And something that always earned Luke brownie points was pulling it off without anyone knowing it.

She threw her palms up and let out an irritated sigh. ‘Oh my god, you’re talking about my brother,’ she complained. ‘As far as I’m aware, the only one who thinks with his cock is Jake. Luke is a nice boy.’

*Define “nice”.*

I frowned, deciding to pivot. ‘You seem close with Jake, he must know some eligible bachelors for you to play with,’ I inferred.

She nodded, downing her glass. ‘Well, it seems that Jacob’s male acquaintances are mostly business and all married. Though there are a few who want a weekend fuck toy.’

‘Sounds . . . intriguing,’ I nodded, flashing her a mischievous grin. I don’t know if it was Jillian’s open personality or this local booze, but I was feeling liberal tonight.

‘It’s fun until the wife walks in on you with one hand holding groceries and the other holding their six-year old daughter,’ she said, mouth agape in repulsion. ‘That bastard never mentioned anything about a wife or kids.’

‘Heavy Jill, that’s really heavy. Fucking men,’ I muttered, motioning the bartender over for a refill. I noticed him scanning my fingers before checking out my girls, and while a little attention never hurt anyone, a tiny part of me wanted that off-limits clue wrapped around my finger.

‘Amen. So how are things with you and Luke?’ she asked, doing a poor job of aloof, but I could tell she was prying. If her shifty eyes weren’t evidence enough, the way her voice raised half an octave sure was.

After dates with Jillian became regular, I asked Luke to keep the finer points of our relationship shrouded. He didn’t find it easy, but he understood my position and agreed.

Another brownie point.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Jillian. Apart from Julia and Stacey, she was probably the only other girl I’d feel comfortable sharing private matters with, and to be honest, I spoke with her more often than anyone else not named Lucas Brimstone. But getting into the nitty-gritty meant that I’d force her to tow that line between friend and sister, and you know what they say about blood and water.

‘Things are great Jill,’ I said, throwing her an easy smile. ‘But more about you! How did your date go with that biologist last week?

‘Oh my god, you have no idea.’

At least she went with the flow. We talked about his scratchy suede elbow patches, the quarter sized-island of baldness that was a warning sign, and his general inability to maintain a conversation. But honestly, he seemed like one of the more normal men Jillian has dated. She seemed to be the lighthouse for the entire hoard of weirdoes in this city.

The drinks flew by as we talked shit about men, and though I was a small girl, Jillian undercut me by three inches. She was a tiny little thing, and it always amazed me that she was of the same stock as Chris and Luke.

‘You know, it’s really great,’ she said, a dazed look in her eyes. ‘You’re really great for Luke, you know that?’

‘Jeez Jill, you alright there?’ I said, a heavy buzz running through my own head. I picked up my phone and texted Luke, hoping he was free to pick us up.

**Abigail:** Hey busy boy, are you almost done at work? We’d like a chauffer if possible <3

**Lucas:** Already on my way there. Easy on the drinks cupcake.

Jillian swirled the olives in her martini endlessly, an elbow on the counter and her head in her hand. ‘Yeah I was afraid he was never . . . he was never going to have another long term-relationship after Pamela.’

‘Pamela?’ I asked cautiously. Luke and I never divulged into our past relationships. He never shared, and I never asked because I was afraid his closet housed an entire army. Ignorance is bliss.

She nodded twice as long at half the speed, eyelids drooping. ‘He was head over heels for this girl. She was one of those Instagram hopefuls who moonlighted as an artist on the side. Didn’t make two dimes to scratch together,’ she simmered, the malevolence spilling from her voice. ‘She’d text him telling him she loved him ten times a day, and when I told him she was a leech, he brushed me off, saying that he couldn’t abandon her when she needed help the most.’

‘Continue,’ I injected when it seemed like Jillian fell into another daze.

She sighed, raising and dropping her shoulders. ‘He pissed me right off by asking her to move in with him,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘But she refused. And refused again, and again, and again.’ I tilted my head, wondering how any sane woman with any devoted interest could refuse that offer.

Jillian slammed her fist onto the table, making an audible “thump” that attracted a few curious looks. ‘Turns out, she had two other suckers she was stringing along, funneling her money every week,’ she seethed. ‘Luke took it hard. Really hard. I never though he’d be able to love again.’

‘Jill . . . I never knew about that,’ I murmured.

‘Never knew about what?’

I whisked around, and felt Luke’s five o’clock shadow graze my face as he planted a kiss on my cheek. ‘Looks like you guys went all out on the liquor cupcake,’ he frowned, pointing a finger at Jillian, who was basically passed out on the counter. ‘Let me grab the check and we can get out of here.’

I used to argue with him about getting the bill, but he was a hardheaded ape.

He also had deep scars on his heart that weren’t fully healed yet.

In spite of that, he’s told me he loved multiple times already. It was genuine, and it must have taken a lot.

And I never uttered them back once.

___________________________________________________________

I made sure Jillian was in her bed, wrapped up in a blanket before leaving.

I didn’t trust her sense of direction right now and though she was a few years my senior, I always felt like the one managing her when we were together. Considering that she managed everything for her brothers, it was a small consolation for me to help her when she was so drunk she couldn’t count to ten.

I didn’t say much on the car ride to Luke’s, the radio station filling most of the silence. We exchanged a few daily stories, but otherwise I kept shut. I could routinely see Luke glance over towards me out of the corner of my eye, but I never addressed the wary looks.

‘You alright Abbey?’ he asked. ‘You’re really quiet and it’s weird.’

I didn’t want to rat on Jillian, even though she was inebriated far past normalcy when she told me about Pamela. ‘Yeah, I’m okay,’ I said, and I hope I was convincing enough.

He always drove with one hand off the wheel. It irritated me, but I wrapped his free hand with mine and rested my head on his right shoulder.

He quickly glanced over once, and the small smile on his face was enough to tell me he all but forgot my strange silence.

I thought about how happy he made me, and that guilt in my stomach grew to monstrous proportions. He probably didn’t even know if I loved him – how could he? I was forcing him to fill in the blanks himself, a pressure he didn’t put on me.

I felt like it was almost too late, I waited too long. And even if I told him now, would he believe me? Would he believe that I loved him after everything with Pamela? I needed to tell him how I felt, and judging by the shallow breaths and weight on my throat, I *hated* that pressure.

This was why I chose to remain blissfully ignorant about Luke’s past. It was harder to move forward when you knew there was baggage to cut off.

Fucking Jillian.

____________________________________________________________

After the usual rounds of stripping, I climbed into bed next to him, and his kiss told me he wanted the usual – mind-blowing sex with a side of multiple orgasms.

Though I didn’t mind the predictable smashing, I just wasn’t in the mood today. I rolled to my back, thinking how great it was for there to be something else I can feel selfish about now.

His lips were fire in my cold skin, and I felt the desire ballooning up deep between my thighs. Holding his head back, I whispered, ‘Not now Luke.’ I waited for the frustration, but instead, he flashed me his perfect teeth, kissed me on the forehead, and took me into his warm embrace.

Seriously? He chose today to be a damn saint.

The rock against my backside was a reminder that he was ready to go at any time, and the heat it was producing was making it difficult to focus on anything else. I rolled the muscles of my backside, trying to alleviate some tension.

‘This isn’t payback for the hotel shower is it?’ he rumbled as he pushed his erection further into me. ‘Because if you’re teasing me, two can play that game.’

I let out a gentle scoff. ‘I’m nowhere that mean,’ I pouted. Perhaps we can do our usual kissy-lovey talk and I can drown my guilt away. Maybe I could distract myself enough where I could enjoy sex without thinking about what an emotionally-distant girlfriend I’ve been.

‘Oh come on, it was just a little fun,’ he frowned. ‘You still ended the night with three orgasms, or was it four?’

*Don’t think about it.*

I shook my head. ‘For the record, it was five,’ I said, and his silent celebration of fist in the air made my eyes roll.

*Don’t think about love.*

He flattened his body against my back, and whispered in my ear, ‘Want to test that number?’

Normally, that would have had my mind racing in twelve different directions on how we could achieve such a goal, but the only thing racing through my mind right now was how much of a cold bitch I was.

Sam and I used to talk about homes close to good schools. We talked about whether we wanted two or three kids and whether their names would be Andrew or Zachary if they were a boy, and Trisha or Callie if they were a girl. We talked about the future like there was one, but that was before he shot it down some slut’s throat. And considering Luke was a man who turned women into melted butter, I was afraid of history repeating itself.

*Luke told you he loves you.*

‘You know how this going to end,’ he whispered as his teeth closed around the lobe of my ear. Inhaling in a quick breath and closing my eyes, and I was aware that if I didn’t control the situation soon, my body would betray my mind.

Spinning around, I saw all the lust disappear from his face as I was sure my expression wasn’t exactly an aphrodisiac. We remained in this awkward state of limbo for seconds, as my mind blanked when the words made it to the tip of my tongue.

‘Abbey?’ he asked, voice uncertain. ‘Talk to me.’

*Blank.*

‘Please,’ he said, and his arms wrapped around my still torso. ‘Abbey,’ he said again, ‘I love you. Talk to me.’

I looked away, the sting of tears welling up behind my eyes. ‘Stop saying that!’ I shouted, and that was definitely not the right thing to say right now.

‘What?’ he asked, caught off guard.

‘Don’t say that!’

Entire oceans of fear and hurt passed through his eyes.

‘But Abbey . . . I – ’

‘Don’t,’ a voice that I barely recognized said. ‘Just don’t.’

*Tell him you love him.*

But I couldn’t.

*If you’re not moving forwards, you’re moving backwards.*

Dad’s motto crashed into my thoughts, telling me I had to choose a path. If I wasn’t putting in all I had, then I was just wasting my time.

I opened my mouth but there was nothing there. My tongue couldn’t choose a string of words to utter, and the pain of the moment grew as each second ticked by.

A breeze rolling in from the open bedroom window reminded me that I was still in my delicates, and no matter how much frilly lace I had on, this situation was far from sexy.

Whisking myself off the bed, I quickly slid into my dress and there was only one thing on my mind: Escape.

I needed some time to sort out the concoction of emotions and some distance to breathe.

Chucking my phone into my handbag, I barreled out of the room without looking back, and Luke didn’t stop me. I didn’t blame him – those words I said cut right to his heel, and like a selfish bitch, I was leaving him bleeding out alone.

I wanted to turn around and hug him and tell him that I felt just like he did, but my feet were moving in the opposite direction and my mind was telling me *go go go*. Shutting the front door behind me, I took my first breath in about a minute, and never walked faster.

I thought that I could put Luke’s old fears to rest by saying those three words. I wanted to lift the unknowns and tell him exactly how I felt. But when the spotlight shone brightest, I withdrew and fled.

By the time I reached the lobby, I had fully expected my face drowned under tears. But there was none. Not a single drop.

I thought he was the one who was still coping with his past.

Turns out the one with the crippling scars was me.

Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/7k421a/downing_abbey_chapter_13