Ok so i should preface this that it was my first time using Tinder and for along time it was gonna be my last since it lead to the worse sexual situation of my life.
I decided to download it and see what the hype was and within 24 hours i get matched with a good amount of people one was a 34 year old women that looked pretty hot in a black and white photo who was immediately keen to meet and arranged to meet at her place 3 days later which i was dumb and 19 years old so i did without anymore pics being sent. On my way there on the train she leaves me some texts telling me if i want coffee i'll need to buy some milk and bring it to her place and not to be surprised by the lack of furniture, I responded with a bad joke because i was kinda confused with 'Lol it's fine as long as there's a bed' which got no response. I had my phone on silent and realized i got a voicemail from her as i was walking to her place which was just saying 'how far away are you' but the voice was a lot different from what i pictured.
I then got to the house and she was standing peaking through the door but i couldn't really see and she said 'hello (my name)' so i just said 'Hey how are you' and walked inside at this point i realized her pic was a lot younger than she is now she was very wrinkly in the face and she immediately grabbed and shoved her tongue down my throat. I didn't make any comments i then looked around and saw there was no furniture at all in the house downstairs not a chair, table, coach or even a TV it was totally bare which felt kinda weird so i just made a comment that 'Wow there really is no furniture' and she laughed and walked me to the kitchen where she said oh how old did i say i was, So i said 'Oh 34' and then she responded with 'I'm 55' i looked kinda shocked and she then stuttered and said 'i mean 34'.
I didn't wanna rude so i just went along with it so she offered me a drink and i said ok and she handed me a warm beer bottle so i asked where the bottle opener is to which she said oh just go smash it outside. She then grabbed my bottle and after a few attempts broke the neck over the stone step outside so i awkwardly laughed took it and said 'Thank you'.
She then told me now where gonna go upstairs and where gonna have sex, I didn't really know how to get out of it so i just kinda walked with her making small talk and she said 'here i'll show you where were be fucking' and i said 'haha ok' then she opened the door to another room with a wooden floor and no furniture again except i guess you can count a rolled out piece of cotton in the corner and next to it was an open Pizza box with one slice of Pizza in it with a bite missing out of it.
Then she went to kiss me again and started stripping both of us i was really uncomfortable and trying to think of an excuse then she told me to lie down on the cotton and she got fully naked and she wasn't shaved at all and you could see a lobe hanging on the left side and then she complained about stretch marks and then pulled my cock out which was able to get big through rubbing it but it wasn't hard at all. She then started to give me a blowjob on the tip of my penis only and it can only be described as 'toothy' i felt like i was enduring a tattoo on my bell end and she actually bit it accidentally at one point.
After a few minutes she said alright i'm going outside for a cigarette and walked downstairs to the back to which point i saw my chance at freedom, I instantly went for my clothes and instantly snuck down the stairs like Solid Snake and came to the door handle, I carefully opened the door slowly to avoid any noise and knew when i closed it again it would make a huge noise and i have a long street to get down where she could walk out and see me pretty quickly so i decided to slam it with one hand and immediately start running like i'm escaping some creepy version of Hansel and Gretel until i got around the corner then i walked to the train station and head home for a cold shower but i still smelt like that place for 3 days.
I'm kinda debating whether this story is funny or just a suppressible memory so i haven't told my friends it yet so instead thought i'd post it here and get made fun off by people on the internet.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/3dbzwv/tinder_scare
Lol this is great! I’ve met two people off there, one of them I’m actually best friends with now and we joke about it all the time. The other however, kinda like this one. Some guy was in town and said I could come to his hotel and watch movies with his friends and all. Well, when I got there noone else was there. Whatever, I’ll get through it. He puts on some shitty black and white movies from the 40’s and hands me a warm ass PBR. Well after like 40 minutes he throws me on the bed, sticks his tongue down my throat and goes, want to mess around? I was like uh, not really. We go back to watching this horrible movie, and I make up a lame excuse that I had to get something out of my car. And I just ditched him lmao. Bitch of the year is me! Needless to say, he now texts me everyday that he’ll give me $100 just to hangout. Creep.
It is one of the best stories I have read in a while. Go out and tell all of your friends, You will be telling this story when you are 80. It is a classic.
>So i said ‘Oh 34’ and then she responded with ‘I’m 55’ … which means she was really 63.
>needless to say I’m not sure that phrase means what you think it means.
"Toothy", f-ing hysterical.
lol this is fucking hilarious
This story has gold written all over it you just need your turn of phrase sharpened a bit. Trust me I have fucked my share of grannies and have stories like yours to back it up in spades. My advice to you to take away from this is that now you have a barometer for "Worse". So next time you’re at the bar and you see some fatty you wanna bone just think to yourself…well I have had worse. Go forth and do gross things.
More often than not, its used as a figure of speech or a filler and not contextually accurate.
While that’s true, it’s a figure of speech used to illustrate something that is very obviously true. "I ate 47 tacos for dinner. Needless to say, I got a stomach ache." In OP’s story, the ending was strange and unexpected – it would have made much more sense if he *had* explained why the creeper offers to pay $100 to hang out. It was not needless to say, as I doubt most of us would have expected that outcome.