22, Asian, 5’7, around 63.5kg, virgin, and straight.
I have never been in a relationship before. I used to be super low self-esteem (like feeling inferior) than the me right now in my teenage years. It was all because I got really bad heartbreak when my high school crush rejected me as I was not skinny, I wore thick glasses, and had a super short haircut (this is because my parents were strict, they didn’t want me to look good in the school, this was to prevent me from having a boyfriend in a young age, so I could focus on my studies and get into university.) which definitely didn’t tick a box on the so-called “Asian beauty standards list”.
After studying at university, I started to take care of my looks and physical appearance. I lose weight, I like to dress nicely, wearing contact lenses… Guys in the school started to pay attention to me and I feel happy that finally, I become one of those ‘pretty girls’ in their eyes. However, no matter how many old friends or acquaintances tell me how pretty I become after graduating from high school, I still feel the same old me inside, I still feel super inferior, I feel like I am still the same old girl in the high school. I keep on asking people questions like “do I really look better now? or are you guys just comforting me?” And yes, even though what they say is truly from their heart and positive, but I still need a lot of validation and reassurance. And people start to get annoyed as I keep asking them these kinds of questions. And that is why I never have a bf as I always think people I like or who like me are too good to be true or out of my league.
It has been years since I learn how to masturbate. I always imagine having sex with someone who is charming (has a pair of nice hands) and admiring me back, guys who I am chatting with on dating apps. I watch porn when I feel bored or horny. Sometimes, I do sexting. I like to send nudes to guys I think who I think they are attractive; I like to sext with them as I enjoy they call me cute, gorgeous, sexy, etc… I started to think sexting is not healthy as I been aware I sexting too much. I am not sure if I am craving for validation/ companionship from guys or am I have a high sex drive. I get horny easily. But every time after I masturbate, I feel lonely and sad. Because I know guys who I sexting online, they have their own life and they won’t genuinely like me back (as they probably only see me as a free nudes sender) or ask me to be their girlfriend. And yes, I have been on dating apps for a couple of years but only recently I started to step out of my comfort zone and go out to meet guys, however I feel sad because they only want sex. I can’t have sex with someone who I just met, I need more emotional connections before physical connections. So it is kinda making me disappointed with how the dating culture is like nowadays. I love cuddles but the guys I met, they only want to have sex… I like to be touched, hugs and maybe kisses. Ughhh I want to be loved and spoiled so badly. I hate myself for being so desperate for affection from guys….. I feel the peer pressure as most of my friends already lost their virginity to their loved one. I feel like it is a shame if I am still a virgin when I reach 30. But I haven’t really met someone who I can trust to lose my virginity with.
People have been telling me I have to love myself more and stop self-hate but it is so hard… That is a bit of my life story and I need some advice regarding my current problem ;(
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/ycavlb/i_write_this_after_i_had_an_orgasm_during
Sounds like you need a good dominant man to build you up and give you what you need.
Never put yourself down! A good man will build you up and let you explore your sexual needs in a safe positive way.
Okay, your parents did a *lot* to fuck you up. You’ve actually done a ton to try and fix it on your own, but I’d recommend a therapist to help you with the last stretch.
Right now, yeah, you’ve got some stuff to handle before you’re fully ready to get into a relationship. Given your upbringing, don’t beat yourself up about that.
Regarding sex specifically: you need to figure out if sex is a thing you want, or a thing you feel dirty about. Right now, it’s both, and it’s making you unhappy. Masturbate, do whatever makes you feel pleasure while still being safe, and don’t get down on yourself about it. Even your shitty uptight parents figured out that sex was okay; that’s how you exist.
If you’re a virgin at 30, it doesn’t matter. You could be a virgin at 30 and be having the best sex of your life at 31; people don’t have expiration dates.
Therapy is the thing that will help the most, because a therapist will *definitely* have the tools to help you out of these circular thoughts that keep trapping you. A lot of people had rough high school experiences that keep haunting them, so don’t feel like you’re weird in having this to work through.
There’s nothing wrong with virginity and waiting for someone who looks at you as more than a nude pic sender. You want someone to value the totality of you, not just your sexual side. The danger is that the need for validation (which is very real and understandable) makes you more vulnerable to someone who could try to manipulate you into bed just for themselves. I would definitely check out options for some counseling and cognitive exercises to guard yourself against exploitation as you aware through the waters looking for partners. Peace and best wishes for happiness.
It is very common for women, particularly asian women, to associate sex with shame. You need to reoncile that belief system because sex is a natural part of being a human being. Enjoy your sexuality and stop judging yourself so harshly. The world will do enough of that for all of us. Be nicer to yourself and you will be fine.
As someone who didn’t lose their virginity until 24, you’re not alone. And as someone who didn’t find real love until even later than that, don’t give up on yourself. Wish I could give you a hug. Also I can tell just from this that you’re gorgeous 😉
At the very least, please know that you’re not alone and that many of the online partners that you’ve had enjoyed their experiences with you very much.
I’ve met and gotten to know a number of people online, some with an erotic component and some not. I’ve learned to see behind the scrim of user caricature and believe, rightly or wrongly, that most of the people I’ve met are very nice.
The problem is the any relationship that starts with sexuality is a bit of a crap shoot — sometimes they work but most often they’re temporary. This is true in both real and digital realms.
And that was a very nice, well written explanation— thank you for articulating it.
As someone who is still a virgin and just content with being alone until I find someone who likes me for me, I’ll say it certainly isn’t easy to get past questioning your attractiveness, I’m not prince charming but I just try to keep myself fit and healthy. I focus on what’s important to me and don’t dwell on being single. As for the sex, it’s ultimately what you want to do. You shouldn’t feel bad for letting those impulses out once in a while, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to be so willing for anyone’s sake.
Never let sex be something you need to do to keep someone around, at any point you could find the right guy who likes you just the way you are.
Therapy helps, when you find the right therapist it will help you so much. It’s scary but worth the time and effort.
My non therapist advice is to work on one thing at a time. If you don’t think you look good, focus on getting the self confidence to build up your self worth. It’s not gonna be easy but you gotta start learning how to say you look fucking hot in the mirror.
Then maybe look at outside areas to meet guys or friends. There’s a lot of fuck bois on dating apps that may harm you more than help
Nothing wrong with waiting for the right person that will make you feel comfortable. If all these guys are after sex and making you feel uncomfortable then they make you feel uncomfortable and aren’t the right fit for you.
It sounds like you already know what you want / need. Masturbating is going to feel lonely because you don’t get the affection that you want / need and from the person you want want.
From my experience, it seems like a lot of people find who they are best matched with when they go out to do the things that interest them. I would suggest that.
Don’t worry too much about where others are in life. They could be in love now , but maybe in a few years, they are broken up, someone cheated , life happens. Everyone’s got their own journey.
It’s not desperation , as a guy , I want to be loved and spoiled too – although that might be a kink for me , but everyone has needs. No one wants to be hated. Don’t throw yourself at someone who isn’t worth it , they’ll mess you up.
Get your life together , be happy , you’ll attract tons of guys who want to live a happy life with you.
lol we are literally the same person u won’t believe it. Im also 22, Asian, also 5’7, virgin and straight with crippling self esteem issues that stem from high school. I felt like I could have written ur post. i had a similar kind of glow up and I relate so much to your craving for validation. I actually receive compliments for my looks now which is still baffling to me. I’ve always been critical of my appearance, so I need someone that constantly reassures me that I look good and they love me and so on, which can be exhausting for the other person. Even when someone claims to be into me, I can’t help but think they must have an ulterior motive. I can’t really understand why someone would like me for me.
I’m having a very similar dilemma to you regarding my sexuality. In that I want to have sex, have fun and not put excessive value or thought into it, but at the same time I feel like I need emotional connection as a prerequisite. I need someone that makes me feel safe and happy and I’m scared to think about how I would feel afterwards if I did it with someone who didn’t care about me at all. Is it only going to exacerbate my perception of my self worth? I want to get rid of that insidious connection in my mind that exists between casual sex and my worth as a person but I don’t know how. I don’t really have any advice haha, just wanted to make a comment because I found it crazy how much we have in common:)