One of my best guy friends is a precious soul. Objectively he’s attractive but I’m just not attracted to him. For what it’s worth, I think he’d say the same thing about me. We once slept in the same bed when we were both single and there was absolutely no tension at all. My husband almost laughed when someone asked if he got jealous of how close I am with this person because the chemistry is not there.
*I know movies tell you that’s not the case and one person is always secretly pining, but sometimes there is simply nothing there. We’ve known each other for over a decade and have never even cuddled.*
Anyway, he’s such a precious spirit that when we were single I always worried about his lack of game. He hated dating apps and never seemed to put much effort into meeting people when we went out. He made plenty of friends though. Like we didn’t have to pay to drink at one of the bars we frequented because the owner found him so charming and just wanted us to hang with her.
I tried to set him up many times but I just could not get a vibe of what he was into. He never seemed particularly interested in anyone to the point that I wondered if he was maybe asexual for a while.
One night I was at his house and randomly found a bracelet. It looked familiar but I didn’t think much of it. I even made a joke that I’m glad I wasn’t the ONLY girl who visited his house. It didn’t even cross my mind that he had fucked the owner of said bracelet.
I then told him he should ask out one of my friends, but he wasn’t interested. “I don’t think we’d get along. She’s nice but I don’t think there’s enough attraction there.”
“I think you should get out there more.”
He shrugged. “Don’t worry about me. I’m happy, V.”
“Don’t you want to meet someone?”
“I meet enough people.”
“But don’t you miss sex?”
He started laughing. “Viola, I’m having sex.”
“Wait… what?”
“Please try not to sound so surprised.”
“Who are you fucking?”
He shrugged. “I’m not going to tell you. That wouldn’t be fair to them.”
“…Them?”
He looked guilty. “I… I mean her.”
“You’re fucking multiple girls?”
He finally sighed and answered. “Yes V, I’m having sex with multiple girls.”
That’s when realization dawns on me. “Dude, are you fucking the owner of that bar we go to?”
He gets very still and then finally gives me a nod.
“Holy shit!” I say. “How old is she?”
“I don’t know… like 40ish?”
*He would have been mid 20s at the time.*
“Omg! She’s so hot! What’s it like?”
“I’ve learned things. Mainly, older women are really good in bed.”
“Wait, how often are you fucking her?”
“…Like every time we go to that bar. I don’t actually leave. I just go out back and she meets me.”
“Oh my god! This is crazy.
“It’s that surprising?”
“No dude, you’re hella attractive. I just had no idea. You’re so subtle. Oh wait… that bracelet I found earlier! I know why it’s familiar. It’s [my friend’s].”
He hangs is head. “Fine, yes I’ve been seeing her. We’re just friends with benefits though.”
“How long? Why has no one told me?”
“I don’t know… a couple of months. And probably because you’d have this reaction and asked why we’re not dating.”
“Why aren’t you dating?”
“Because we’re young in a city and both have a lot of options.”
“Whoa! How is she in bed?”
“I’m not going to fucking tell you that, V.” He pauses for a moment and mumbles, “But she is great in bed actually.”
“I can’t believe you’re fucking two people.”
“I think technically I’d say I have four sex partners right now.”
*Again, it’s not that this dude was unattractive. Even though I didn’t see him that way I understood he could have most women he wanted. He was just so fucking chill. I had seen girls throw themselves at him and he barely reacted.*
“What?”
“Yeah there’s a girl from work and a girl I met a while back at a bar. I hang out with them sometimes.”
“Wait… how many times a week are you fucking?”
He shrugged. “Like 2-3 times a week?”
“You’re having more sex than me!”
“Why are you shocked by this?”
“Because I date more than you.”
He laughed. “I fuck more than you.”
“How do you keep them all straight?”
He thinks about this for a bit before answering. “It’s not that hard. They’re all… different.”
“How?”
“Like the girl from my work only gives me head. That’s all she wants.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “Beats me, we don’t talk.”
“That’s insane. Then who’s the kinkiest?”
“Viola, I’m not going to tell you anymore. I’ve already said too much.”
“Are all these women cool with this arrangement?”
“I mean, they don’t seem to mind.”
“So for three fucking years you’ve been letting me think you’re lonely and sexless?”
“You never asked.”
“Why don’t you let me set you up?”
“I don’t know. You’re one of my best friends. I’m afraid of losing you if it doesn’t work out with your friends.”
“I make out with your best friend constantly though.”
He started laughing then. “Yeah, that’s entertaining.”
“And you let me talk about my sex life all the time and never chime in.”
“Yeah that’s entertaining too.”
“So… You’re good in bed, right?”
He raised an eyebrow and smiled. “Fuck if I know.”
“Believe me, as someone who doesn’t have much casual sex, if you have multiple women in rotation it’s because they’re very into it. They wouldn’t keep coming back.”
“Ok…”
“So tell me about it!”
“No.”
“Tell me about one.”
“No!”
Then a realization dawns on me when I remember an odd message I once got on Facebook. “Wait… How do you break up with these women if you’re not into them?”
“Ah yes, you come in handy on that one.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“I tell them I have a best friend who occasionally sleeps over. I make it a point to mention your name so they look you up on Facebook and see that I’m your profile pic. That helps. I usually talk about how all my friends are in love with you and they think I am too.”
*I was about to kill him then.*
“That is a GROSS misrepresentation of our relationship.”
He eyed me up and down. “You once took me to a wedding to make your ex jealous and then made out with her in front of me.”
*That is a true fucking story.*
“Fair point, sir.”
“So can you stop trying to set me up now?”
“Yes… I’m actually kind of pissed you haven’t taught me your ways.”
He found HER later btw. He just fucked a lot in the meantime.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/v73k54/its_always_the_ones_you_dont_expect_mf
>“I tell them I have a best friend who occasionally sleeps over. I make it a point to mention your name so they look you up on Facebook and see that I’m your profile pic. That helps. I usually talk about how all my friends are in love with you and they think I am too.”
LMAO. That’s actually fucking hilarious. I’m actually losing my shit laughing at this story. This is so fucking amazing.
There…are some parallels between your friendship with your dude and my best friend…this actually cracked me up so hard. I have always been insanely clingy with him and I am probably the reason why he hasn’t had a lasting female relationship and he has used me as a reason to break up with a girl. I’m gonna show him this story…lol.
That is one funny story. So weird it has to be true
You act like you’ve never had an Amish girl show you her underwear before. Cash, grass, or ass, no one drinks for free, V.
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> He laughed. “I fuck more than you.”
Bruh this was brutal lmao! Mad props to him!
Well I mean, donkey fucked a dragon so is it really that surprising? Lol
You have such fun and awesome friends! I’m happy for everyone involved! Do please tell him your dude reader(s) sends him a *nod*. Cheers to you and your friends Ms. V!
Truth: There is an inverse correlation between how much a guy talks about sex and how much he’s having.
Only Dota 2. She is also better than me, for the most part
Oh my god this was the most entertaining thing I’ve read in weeks 😂
If there’s an “afterlife”, I’d love to come back as that guy. And as additional benefit, I’d get to be friends with Viola.