This is a not-so-short retelling of how as I grew my self awareness and comfortability grew with me. I got to where I am now in a way some might find relatable, but not everyone will, and although I’m genuinely happy where I am I hope YOU take the time and proper steps to grow in your own way to become who you really are. And with that:
Since I started watching porn, at around 11, I was always looking at the girl and then my focus would wander over to the guy… and his dick… and how good it looked sliding in and out of her. For a long time it made me “scared” but more like, “I like it, looking at it at least but don’t know what to feel about the fact that I did.”
And ofc, I’m a middle school boy, and it’s porn. All my friends were watching porn and it was even something we did together once (story for another time). But obviously, I didn’t really want to talk about it with my family and all my friends ever said about porn was about the women. So I never said anything for a long time and eventually it just, sorta, fizzled away into something that happened here and there, but was quickly and without thought, suppressed.
FF to senior year of high school and I get really close to my first transsexual friend (FtM) and we are kinda flirty but in the type of way where we’re really good friends, but if we got drunk together it would happen. Anyways this whole dynamic and friendship mixes me into the “gay crowd” and all these people who are so open and comfortable with their sexuality and talking about their different experiences. It was just what I needed, but I didn’t feel comfortable talking to everyone so I had to start “small.” Someone close to my transsexual friend but not too close, also had to be objectively good looking, aaaaaaand *BAM* I met a guy who was in a couple of my classes but I never really talked to him. He was/is gay, and we started talking and he very quickly expressed how he thought I was “sexy and pretty at the same time.” (At the time I had no idea what he meant. I thought it was redundant but now I understand completely lmao)
Sorry sidetracked, but anyways, about a week into it we’re sending pics on snap. At the time, I was really trying to “enjoy” it but I couldn’t fully. It was like my 11 year old self was knocking on a door and I was acting like I didn’t hear anything. But allowing myself to get a little more comfortable, I continue, and actually start to like some of the things he said and the chemistry we had. During the football game that Friday we snuck off to his car and he gave me the best head I had ever gotten. (not in my entire life but up until then) I felt good and satisfied up until the point when he finished wiping his mouth, I turned and looked at him, and I just froze for a second that felt like years. I wanted to so badly but couldn’t go down on him. It was looking at his face and saying to myself, “damn I’m gay aren’t I?” in my head that made me terrified. I told him it was great but I couldn’t do it to him and he said it was okay and he wasn’t expecting me to. I got out and went back to watch the rest of the game with this intense battle between satisfaction and self loathing in my gut. I started to talk to him less and less and eventually cut him off without really cutting him off. Mainly because after that night I had had enough of this back and forth and decided to just “stay straight.” But then I got into drugs, and when you have things you’re hiding from yourself, look no further than drugs to lay it all out on the floor.
I remember so many parties I went home in a friend’s car talking about girls, or celebrities or what we’d do if we found a million dollars… and the whole time i had this reoccurring thought to bend over and just suck him off as he was driving. Never did. But wanted to, BADLY. So badly, I remember one night getting dropped off, stumbling inside, watching gay porn and sending my homie the video of me finishing everywhere then saying it was meant for my girlfriend and I was so fucked up I tapped his name… “on accident.” The whole time, waiting for him to say something to let me know he wanted it too. (Never said anything) Anyways, shortly after graduation I met my (ex) girlfriend at a kick back and we hit it off. Fell in love *too* easily, even leaving my girlfriend at the time for her (1 day overlap.) So we are really good and so good we can do drugs together and keep each other in check without judgment or feeling ashamed. And then the topic of sexuality comes up.
Now mind you, this lady is a Jehovah’s Witness raised-half white-shit dad having-first born daughter. And on top of it all, her mother, who isn’t Jehovah’s Witness, cheated on her stepdad, who is, and is pretty much the light of this girl’s life from the time she was 4.
So we talk, and she asks, “did I ever go through a questioning phase.” And I answer, “yeah, kinda.” She’s visibly confused so I reluctantly follow up with, “I started questioning and when I started to actually do things I got scared and shut that out. So I never ‘went through’ my questioning phase fully.” Spewing the words out as if it physically hurt to keep them in any longer. And when I tell you, the anxiety I had and the way I was avoiding eye contact like my life depended on it was made so much worse when I look over… and see her smirking and she says “I fucking knew it!” I wanted to fight, just start fucking swinging; not because I was mad or anything, but because I felt I waisted so much time not talking to her about this earlier!!
That night we tried so much. We showered and came down from the drugs. And I specifically remember being suddenly overtaken by this wave of, like, “dread.” And it was most likely because I was coming down, but also, finally sober, realizing what we were about to do. She had to stop that panic attack and she did amazingly. We laid down, just talked about other stuff and started to have sex; and as she was giving me head, without saying anything, she started to go lower and lower and started rimming me. It was “weird” at first, definitely cold, but I had to let go of trying to understand it and I let myself totally enjoy it without thought. At one point, she even got dominant for a little and made me turn around. She fingered me as she gave me head. And it was genuinely fun, and freeing, and hot asf honestly. That was, not the first, but the biggest step I took towards fully understanding my sexuality and what I liked and why. It wasn’t over though, it took a lot more time, patience, self-love, understanding and a good amount of mistakes along the way.
Unfortunately it got to a point I couldn’t do what I needed to, for myself, without it hurting her so things ended. There were other factors to the breakup of course, things that we just couldn’t solve. But I will always love and appreciate that woman for what she did for me (and to me 😜.)
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/t2vhvo/a_retelling_of_my_journey_through_sexual