When I’m lying in bed at 3am, wide awake because my circadian rhythm is now permanently fucked from lockdown, my mind often wanders and I meditate on everything from embarrassing moments to things I need to stop procrastinating about… but, eventually, I always end up fantasizing about the AMAZING sex that I had with lovers who are now so far in my rear-view they’re now embalmed in my memory, forever trapped in 2016, or whenever our lovely tryst ended. Yep, my internal monologue usually goes something like, “if you could have any of them just one more time… who would it be?”
And, of course, the best sex was always from my most toxic relationships. It’s one of those cruel truths about life and dating that the people who are the absolute worst for your long-term happiness and mental health ALWAYS seem to be SPECTACULAR in bed… those are the people you think about at 3am, alone in the dark, and start to feel that rush of heat that starts with your pulse racing and your naked legs sliding back and forth under the sheets. Before long, I’m wide awake, horny af, and find myself wondering if I remembered to charge my favorite toy so I could fully bathe in those delicious memories. So… my brain flips through the deck of guys and gals that made me grip the sheets and scream like Mariah Carey, but I always keep coming (pun intended) back to the same guy… we worked together and would pretend to “go to lunch” or “Starbucks” but we were, of course, having sex. We would have limited time so we’d race to my place (I lived closer), and strip in the living room like we were covered in fire ants, then we would have the kinda rockstar sex that makes a girl consider monogamy as long as it’s with the owner of the cock currently tickling my belly button from the inside…
At first, we’d always use condoms but, eventually, we would go without and there were a few times where I wasn’t certain if he pulled out in time, to just shoot all over me… I’d grab my tits and open my mouth… didn’t care that I had to be back at work in 15 minutes, I just wanted it so bad! Other times he would pull out of me, and I’d pop up so quick to catch his cum in my mouth… UGH! I’d taste myself while feeling him pulse in my mouth… and I ALWAYS orgasmed with him. Always. The way his cock fit inside of me was just too perfect. It hit every spot and *SOMEHOW* every thrust when I was on my back would finish with this whack-smoosh on my clit! He was in such good shape and his body was so hard that the spot just above his dick would bop my clit every time he penetrated me all the way… then we’d grind into each other… ahem… I’m going to pause writing this post to orgasm thinking about him…. ok, I’m back! (Whew! that was GOOD!) And, if I’m being completely honest, I did let him finish inside of me on the weeks I wasn’t ovulating.
I know… I know… I lost all reason when it came to this guy. We’d have this little secret, and I’m pretty sure no one else knew at work. When we didn’t have time to go to one of our apartments, sometimes we’d sit in his car and he’d jerk off for me… he’d literally just cum everywhere, and I’d use a finger on this tip to collect a fat drop and put that on like lip gloss… I’m sure you’re now remembering that I said this was a toxic relationship, so why was this wrong? Why didn’t we date? Why am I not wrapped around this man instead of vibing with my favorite toy to his memory? Well… we tried, and it was just a big nope. He was big into partying and that is just not my scene. Looking back, he was almost certainly an alcoholic (among other probable addictions). His friends were straight up toxic people and I used to think they were a bad influence but now I know he was in lockstep with them at every turn. I’d see him at the office all the time looking like he stayed out all night and, at least once or twice a week his “neighbor” would block him in so he would be late to work, but I knew first-hand that was impossible, having been to his place 50 fucking times and seeing the lot in his building – he was just too fucked up to go in right away. He’s a gorgeous guy with these piercing eyes and his body… He is truly an amazing person, so clever that I would need to fix my make-up he’d have me laughing so hard… but you’re only going to see that person from noon til around 6pm on a weekday. The rest of the time he’s a hooligan and I am not getting emotionally invested in a guy who gets into fist fights outside of clubs at 2am on a weeknight.
After I changed jobs, he texted me a few times, and we hung out once, but it wasn’t the same. Still, at 3am, when I can’t sleep, and I decide to see if my favorite Lovense toy can soothe me to summon the sandman… I often think about one of those times I had him, in the very bed I just vibed in… me on my back and his perfect dick hitting every spot on every thrust until I just scream, clawing his back, leaving deep red scratches as he pumps me full of cum before we rush back to work where I daydream knowing I was awash with his swimmers and with his delicious scent all over me… yup, I’m going to vibe one more time to him, then post this tomorrow.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/qow53l/23f_do_you_ever_feel_like_risking_it_all_while