[MF] Fucking a Chaotic Evil Cleric Wasn’t My Best Idea [Dungeons and Dragons] [Actual Crazy]

I’ve been playing Dungeons and Dragons in some form or another for nearly two decades, so it probably won’t shock everyone to know that I was gaming once a week all through graduate school. I had a good group going for a while back then, with a really fun adventure in which I played a bard in Pathfinder that I named Thad Thundercrotch. He played a mean lute but had a lot of skill points in Acrobatics and Performance (Dance), and whenever people asked him what he did he would merely respond that he was a “dancer” or a “male entertainer…for parties.”

Yes, I played a male stripper in D&D. I found it funny.

As fun as the game was, real life got in the way after a time and one of our regular players got offered a better job and had to move. We struggled on for a couple weeks without him but then one of the other, flakier players stopped coming and our DM sadly had to call it.

I’d been missing my gaming so I started checking my local comic and hobby store for any listings of games going on in my area – they had a bulletin board specifically to advertise this, and sometimes they’d even have games happening in the back of the store. I found one particular listing that looked the least shady, and decided to call the number. The DM was friendly, we talked about our mutual history with the game, and we seemed to share a similar sense of humor. He asked if I could roll up a level six bard, which he thought would compliment the group going forward. Guess what level old Thad Thundercrotch happened to be? Fate.

The DM found my concept of a male stripper bard fantastic and begged me to bring Thad to the game. I decided he seemed very unlikely to murder me so I got the address and made plans to go on their next regular game.

I was pleasantly surprised when I arrived that there was a woman in the party, but not for the usual reasons. I actually enjoy playing D&D with a more varied group because most of the time I end up in an all male white nerd companionship, and while there’s nothing inherently *wrong* with that, it can mean that all the jokes and scenarios start to get a little stale for me after a while. Even just having *one* person with a different background tends to shake things up.

The DM was a really affable guy who I am still friendly with today. He was always very concerned with making sure the whole party was having a good time and he was super organized, with a rotating schedule of potluck snacks for the group members to bring so that game sessions also included a sort of dinner (I say “sort of” because it’s a little difficult to classify chips and queso or giant bowls of pretzels as a full blown dinner, but for a poor student, food was food during those days).

The Fighter in the group was quiet and incredibly polite. He was the sort of person who didn’t ever laugh, but instead just smiled broadly if he thought something was genuinely funny. He pretty much always wore polo shirts tucked into jeans. The lone woman of the group was our Cleric. She was incredibly bubbly – almost a little too extroverted, and I could tell immediately that her entire sense of self and humor was derived pretty much exclusively from anime. She had bright green hair that first night I played, but the color changed relatively frequently as I played with the group.

Then there was the Wizard, who had a personality like a dump truck. He never seemed to wear anything but a scowl and seemed to only derive humor from putting his own friends down. I disliked him pretty much immediately, but treated him with the same respect and politeness that I treated everyone else. He treated me with a careful regard, but I could tell he also didn’t like me.

Wizard was very enamored with Cleric, who I could tell did not return his affections. That will become important in a bit.

The DM was really great at his job, and the campaign he had us on was a ton of fun. I won’t bore you with the details, but he threw in enough twists and turns that I was really excited every single week to see what was going to happen to us next.

After about a month and a half, I started to get some vibes off of Cleric. I wasn’t as new anymore and so the group was a lot more open around me, and in her case that included more touching and some occasional bedroom eyes. I was a little more hesitant to return those advances. I found her attractive, to be sure (I have a weakness for bright colored hair, I’ll admit), but some of the conversations I’d overheard with the rest of the group led me to believe she might be in a relationship, and I’m not in the habit of being “the other guy” if I can help it. Also, I enjoyed playing the game, and hooking up with Cleric would have been just a little too close for comfort if things went south.

Cleric also seemed a bit socially off. I’m a well worn nerd and I’m super used to gaming with crews that are a bit socially inept in general, so this has never been an issue for me before, but somehow conversationally we had trouble meshing. I couldn’t quite figure her out enough to hold down a dialogue solid enough to get to know her. So all that uncertainty ensured that things remained in a stasis of “vague” for a while.

One particular game session, Cleric’s feelings became a lot more evident. The party was in a tavern trying to get information and the DM had managed to coerce my character into doing a sexy stripping routine to try and entice an old rich woman we needed to get close to. A few successful rolls later, and Thad is gyrating and thrusting on tavern table tops while throwing his shirt into the crowd. You know, regular D&D stuff.

Cleric got a little too into this routine, suddenly shouting that her character was going to feel my biceps. Except, as she shouted this, she reached over the table and felt my actual bicep, causing me to raise an eyebrow even as she jokingly rolled a D20 and said, “I’m rolling to see how wet I am for these muscles!”

I laughed at this, pretty hard. So did the DM, and so did Fighter. Cleric laughed as well, though her cheeks were a bit flush with embarrassment at that point. You can guess who didn’t laugh.

The rest of that game I turned my flirting up with Cleric a bit and found her very receptive. By the time we were divvying up gold and silver she had maneuvered her chair a lot closer to mine and we were sharing a snack.

When the game was over, Cleric left but before she did she took me aside and said that the two of us should hang out sometime. I already had all their numbers so I told her I might give her a call if I was free but didn’t commit any more than that.

The rest of us hung out for a bit, helping to clean up and telling jokes. Wizard was incredibly sullen and chose that moment to make his righteous play at me.

“So, hey, man, you were kind of handsy with Cleric tonight,” he said, nonchalantly, as though that was just something you use to begin a normal human conversation.

I’d been bracing for something of this sort for a while and let it roll off my back with a casual, jokey response of, “Gotta sit close to share M&M’s – that’s Candy 101.”

He barreled past my attempt at levity by saying, “I was just kind of wondering what your intentions are with her, you know.”

I had to fight hard with myself not to allow my eyes to roll into the back of my head. I can smell a “nice guy” a mile off, and Wizard had always reeked of it. I waved off his weird attempt to be protective and decided to just be 100% honest and non-combative. “Intentions? I like her. I don’t know if we have enough in common to date or anything but I’d like to get to know her better. Who knows? Maybe I’d ask her out if I thought she was interested. Do you know if she’s seeing anybody right now?”

I saw the look on his face – the one that wanted to boldly claim that *he* was seeing her, but I also knew the other players were nearby and would absolutely call bullshit if he did, so he had to back off and admit that she wasn’t dating anyone.

I’m not a complete asshole. It was painfully obvious how much he liked her, just as it was painfully obvious to everyone but him that she was never going to go out with him. So I wasn’t about to crush his dreams absolutely. I took him aside and laid it all out bare. “Hey, look, I don’t really believe in the idea of calling ‘dibs’ on a woman because I think she can make up her own mind what she wants, and I think you agree with that. I know you’d like to ask her out. So why haven’t you done it yet?”

Wizard retreated into himself a bit and got sheepish and admitted he was waiting for the right time, to which I told him that didn’t exist. I offered up what I thought was a fair and generous compromise. I’d give him until the next game session to ask Cleric out. To legitimately ask her out, on an outing that was an understood date, and to essentially proclaim his romantic interest in no uncertain terms. If she said yes, I’d 100% back off and give him a fair shake at making it work. If she said no, or if he didn’t actually ask her out, all bets were off.

I could tell he was not a fan of my proposition at all, and he even asked me how he could possibly know I wouldn’t sabotage him. “Because I’m not you,” I wanted to reply to the little shit, but instead I again gave him my word and told him he would just need to trust me.

And I made it *very* fair for him, because I conveniently “lost my phone” for the whole rest of that week, so even when Cleric tried to call me all she got was my voicemail. That was a hard one for me because when I listened to that voicemail it was clear that she wanted me to come over to her place at a very late hour to watch a movie, and if I’m being really honest, over time Wizard had annoyed me to the level that I was not above taking her up on the offer mostly to spite him. Still, I gave my word.

The following game session I apologized profusely to Cleric, told her my wildly concocted “lost phone” story, and revealed that I’d finally found it earlier that day. I told her I got her voice mail and would be happy to talk about it later after the game if she wanted.

Wizard didn’t show up.

As a result, our game was a bit shorter than usual. When we wrapped, Cleric asked if I still wanted to come back to her place. I took Wizard’s absence as a clear sign that I was okay to go ahead.

At her place, she wanted to show me Sailor Moon because I’d told her I never watched it. I had no interest in watching Sailor Moon. But I did have a high interest in fucking Cleric. So I watched Sailor Moon.

Cleric leaned back into me on her couch and before a single episode of the show was complete I had pushed her long, apple-red hair to the side so I could begin kissing her neck. This was clearly the right thing to do as she melted into me quickly even as my kisses begin migrating up to transform into little nibbles to her earlobe. I could see her legs rubbing against each other as she squirmed in her seat before she finally turned and kissed me. I enjoyed our make out session as she climbed onto me to straddle my lap. She was thoroughly good at dry humping me, so much so that I almost missed the moment she bit my lip, hard. It obviously hurt, and I told her so.

She simply smiled at me and said, “That was for not calling me just so you could give Wizard a stupid chance to ask me out.”

My face must have gone totally white in that moment because she laughed and told me that Fighter had told her. I was genuinely surprised. He didn’t seem like the tattle tale type, but in hindsight I completely understand why he did it. The “deal” I’d made with wizard, while it seemed like a good idea at the time, sort of undermined the whole lesson I was trying to impart by still treating Cleric like a commodity. I was a bit embarrassed and apologized immediately.

Cleric oddly seemed okay with it, which I now realize is because she was immensely turned on at the idea of half the D&D group fighting over her (I would come to find out that Cleric thrived on drama a bit more than I was comfortable with).

“I don’t want him,” she told me, going back to kissing me. “I want you.” She continued grinding against me and added, “And I want your big dick.”

That was a nice thing to hear, but in the moment I was still feeling a tad unstable from realizing what a weird, messed up love triangle and group dynamic I’d found myself caught up in. I was finding it difficult to come back from that and I asked her if we could slow down. That was the point I found out Cleric was also a little aggressive and freaky.

“I don’t want to slow down,” she said, kissing my neck. “Here, lay down, I’ll do everything.”

I shrugged my shoulders and told her I was still up for it, but just wanted a second to think. It was the whole truth. I was definitely still going to fuck her, but I need to be in the correct mental state when having sex or it ceases to be pleasant.

She, in turn, ignored me and began pushing me into a lying down position on the couch. Now, I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea at this point. I wasn’t helpless and didn’t feel like I couldn’t handle the situation at all, and at no point did I feel like I did *not* want to have sex. It was entirely a mental thing with just wanting to quickly think through my actions before engaging in them. Mainly I felt like I was getting tangled in a drama bomb that might be more trouble than it was worth.

Cleric snapped me out of this by opening up my jeans and fishing my hard cock out. The moment her hand wrapped around me she began a barrage of commentary about my dick: “Holy shit, look at this thing! You have a monster! This is the biggest cock I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I don’t even know how I’m going to fit this inside of me.”

It was so ridiculously over the top that I couldn’t take any of it seriously. I almost started laughing, which I think was her intent. It was successful at getting me out of my own head, and I smiled and shook my head as I put my hands over my face to get back in the moment.

“Hey,” she called to me, causing me to remove my hands and look down. She was holding my cock right next to her face. “Sorry, I just wanted you to look at me when I suck you.”

And suck me she did! Cleric took her time with it, going nice and slow and maintaining eye contact as much as possible. She also revealed some slightly dominating characteristics in that moment, though I’d already started to piece together that she had that particular kink. “This is my dick now,” she’d say, coming off me for a second. “I can have it whenever I want. Say it.”

She was a very big fan of telling me what to say. I’m not going to complain – as far as kinks go, that’s really low effort on my part, and it’s not like she was commanding me to proclaim “Hitler did nothing wrong,” so there was nothing offensive about her desired dirty talk.

I felt myself getting close after a short time and she backed off, smiling at me. She was an edger. I could deal with that. She slowly jerked me and asked if a girl had ever sat on my face before.

I answered her honestly: Yes.

She was a little disappointed that she wasn’t going to be the first, but got over it pretty quickly when I said, “If you want to cum in my mouth you better climb on up here.”

She scrambled up my body like a monkey with a coke habit. She’d already pulled off her jeans and her panties so she could finger herself while sucking me, so all that remained on her was her t-shirt as she settled her hips down over my face.

I immediately went to work. Both my arms wrapped around her thighs and I mashed my nose against her clit, pushing my tongue as deep inside her as I possibly could. She wasn’t expecting me to be so aggressive and she unconsciously started to buck her hips against me. Letting a woman sit on my face is a big turn on for me and despite all the other strangeness surrounding Cleric I found myself immensely into the whole ordeal. She slowly peeled her shirt off as she moved her hips back and forth on my face and I saw for the first time that she had pierced nipples. I probably should have seen that coming given the “punky anime fan” aesthetic she had going on, but it was still a pleasant surprise in the moment, especially as she begin pinching and working her nipples with her fingers and biting her lip.

I even saw her glasses begin to fog up as I increased my efforts, feeling her wetness begin to spread all over my face.

Fortunately for me, Cleric was an easy orgasm. Every woman is a little different in my experience, and some can be driven to orgasm a lot easier than others. I got Cleric to cum on my face after only a few minutes of concerted effort. Cleric was….aggressive in her orgasm. She clamped her thighs on either side of my face, began furiously humping against my mouth, and grit her teeth hard as her body tensed up over me, whereupon her voice turned into a low growl and she began saying, “Yeah, fucking take that cunt, take it, fucking drown in it.”

Okay. Sure.

Breathing heavily, she looked down at me, my arms still wrapped around her thighs, and I made both of my hands into thumbs-ups for her, which caused her to laugh as she climbed off.

I started to get up, but she placed a hand on my chest and pushed me back down as she straddled me, her dripping pussy hovering over my still-hard cock. “We’re not done till I say we’re done,” she said, dropping down on me in one go and *immediately* fucking me as hard as she could. Cleric was a fucking wildcat. I’m down for just about whatever in the bedroom but I’ll fully admit I don’t fuck as hard or as vigorously as Cleric seems to fuck all the time. She was rocking against me so hard that I legitimately said a tiny prayer that she wouldn’t come down on me wrong and break my cock, which is a real thing that can happen and it terrifies me.

Cleric got bored about halfway through and switched it up, falling against me and clutching at me like she thought I was going to escape. She positioned her mouth right against my ear and started whispering, “You’re all mine, I’m going to keep you right here, don’t even think about trying to get away from me because I’ll find you and I’ll fuck you anywhere, I don’t even care. I came all over your face and now all the other bitches know who you belong to. You like that pussy little man? It’s all you’re going to get to eat when I tie you up in my closet.”

I found this talk quickly riding into creepy territory so I decided to break it up with some levity by telling her that I’ll be sure to cover myself in mud and hide from her in the jungle, a Predator reference I knew she’d understand because we’d all been talking about the film earlier that evening.

She laughed and then started kissing my neck. That kissing quickly turned to sucking, and I realized with alarm that she was giving me a hickey. “Hey, no thanks,” I said in a voice that was 100% serious. “No hickies, I have to work and I’m not into that shit.”

She didn’t stop, and she’d begun moving her hips in a way that had me very close to cumming, so my attempts to get her off my neck were half-hearted at best. “Fuck,” I groaned out as I burst. There was little more fanfare than that. My whole body just went completely limp and Cleric happily ground against me until she’d drained me 100%, continuing to hold me down and sucking that hickey I asked her to stop doing right into my neck. The orgasm was nice, but marred by how aggravated I was at what she was doing after I’d already said no.

When I came back to reality I unceremoniously pushed Cleric off of me and onto the floor, heading into her bathroom to inspect the damage. She’d left a very dark and significant mark on my neck and I swore at the sight of it. I was pissed – less at the mark itself and more at the fact that she gave it to me after I deliberately told her not to. I went to her freezer and got some ice, wrapping it in a handtowel and going back to the mirror to watch myself work the cold into the mark to minimize how bad it would look the next day.

Cleric showed up at the door to the bathroom smiling at a job well done on her part. “Okay, now we’re even for the whole thing with Wizard,” she said, leaning against the door frame naked.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked, unable to completely contain my annoyance. “Are you fucking nuts?”

She pressed her fingers into her dimples and said, “Who, me?” while giving me some faux-manic grin.

I didn’t bother suppressing my eye roll this time and didn’t respond to her. She came up behind me and tried to snake her arm around my front to wrap her hand around my cock and I swatted it away. “Learn to read social cues,” I said, fully aware of how cold I was being. It wasn’t my finest hour.

If she’d actually apologized at any point, I probably would have forgiven her and moved on, but she instead continued smirking at me and occasionally taunting me a bit by informing me that I’d never completely get rid of that mark. She tied a bow in the whole thing when she antagonistically said, “Now the bitches at your stupid college are going to know not to fuck with me or my property.”

That was the magic moment when I realized I’d stuck my dick in crazy. It was slowly coalescing up to that point, but her off-the-cuff remark as I attempted to stop a massive bruise on my neck made the whole thing very apparent. I became acutely aware of all the strange little details of her apartment that I’d ignored up to that point. The little homage to Joker and Harley Quinn she’d created on the wall of her living room, something I thought was a neat art project, now reeked of something else. Her knife collection, which seemed like fairly typical Ren Faire geek material, started to look sinister. And the possessive way she kept trying to grab me even though I was clearly upset at her started to make me realize that my comment to her on understanding social cues was far too apt, because she clearly didn’t.

I’m not going to lie to you – I was pretty freaked out at this point. I’d slept with women who wound up being a bit too possessive afterwards, but not on the scale I was dealing with in this woman’s bathroom. Partners in the past could be reasoned with. Cleric…not so much.

I did my best not to let my concern show on my face as I finally pulled the ice away from my neck and said, “I guess that’s as good as it’s going to get. I’m still a little annoyed but I guess I’ll forgive you. Do you think Wizard’s going to be at the game next week?” I was keeping conversation light as I moved into her living room and began casually getting dressed, but I had already carefully mapped my exit strategy on the off chance that Cleric decided to start sacrificing a goat or something.

“ I dunno,” she responded, still standing around naked, then followed up with, “You’re not spending the night?”

I didn’t pause or miss a beat when I smiled back at her and said, “I have to work tomorrow, remember? I’ll need a shower and a change unless I’m going to tutor people smelling like fresh sex.”

She nodded but clearly looked unhappy. She pointedly said, “I want you to stay. I have a nice apartment. You could move in here.”

I paused, trying to calculate in my mind the perfect nonchalant thing I could say to appease her and also get out. I came up empty. “Well, I need to go.”

We stared at each other for several tense minutes as I tied my shoes. I saw her slowly and imperceptibly start to move towards her front door and I leapt up and got there before her, which I think surprised her. It surprised me too, in the moment. I didn’t realize how tightly wound I was.

She sulked a bit and said, “Okay, I guess. Go. Whatever. You’ll be back anyway.”

“Sure will!” I lied in a frantic voice that was way too loud and threw open her door to launch myself outside, bounding down the steps of her outdoor balcony towards my car and freedom.

I didn’t sleep at all that night. I was too wired and my mind was replaying every single weird thing I had ignored about Cleric since I met her, openly wondering how I could have been so completely lust blind not to smell the instability on her. I blamed myself for the whole fiasco, 100%, and was feeling very down about ruining that whole D&D group. I decided to come clean to my DM at an hour that I was reasonably sure he’d be awake.

I was very surprised at how not-angry he was. I didn’t go into excessive detail, but I did admit that things had become very awkward between me, Cleric, and Wizard, and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to attend any more sessions. I told him I planned to call Cleric after him and set things straight with her, but that she made me very nervous.

He agreed that calling Cleric was the right thing to do (initially I said I might meet with her for coffee or something but he very quickly said I should just call her on the phone). I found out later he wasn’t the least bit surprised by the whole fiasco and he saw it coming a long while before, further proving that I’m not nearly as perceptive as I thought I was. Apparently the idea of moving on to a new D&D party was a big weight off his shoulders as he couldn’t stand Wizard (they’d known each other for a long time and Wizard was one of those “toxic” – his words, not mine – friends that is hard to keep around but you don’t know how to move away from) and Cleric had been toying with every member of his group since she arrived. Apparently she’d been stringing Fighter along too, which is why he called her when I made my ill-conceived deal with Wizard the week before. I thought that was amazing since they rarely even spoke to each other.

Hindsight being 20/20, I saw every sign I had somehow ignored with perfect clarity only after the fact. The phone call I then had to make with Cleric was *painful* but necessary. I told her I wouldn’t be attending any more games, and that we weren’t going to be hooking up again. I told her the exact behaviors that made me concerned and I did my best to keep an even, level voice throughout, then I also spelled out every mistake I’d made along the way, all my own flaws that led to the ill-advised hookup, and apologized for them. I’ve only had to make a few calls like that in my life and I don’t wish them on anybody. When you fuck up, you have to own it. But it’s not easy.

Cleric didn’t take it as well as DM. She screamed at me for half an hour and called me names that would make a sailor blush. Mostly she made sure I knew how shitty I was at sex, and that I had a really dinky penis. So, log that away, I guess.

I was grateful for the relationship I had with DM in the aftermath of that situation. He was a stand up guy who even invited me to be in some other groups he made later on, though I was so paranoid about screwing up again where he was concerned that I only have ever gamed with him in an online capacity since then.

I have a high sensitivity to when dudes claim that their ex is “crazy” or a woman they fucked is “nuts” because most of the time the behaviors they exhibit are actually really rational but don’t jive with said dude’s desire to be a free agent. I’ll say honestly that most women I have been with who later decide they dislike me have very rational reasons for feeling that way. Cleric isn’t one of those cases. A couple weeks after our hookup she left a note on the door of my apartment detailing how she planned to sneak into my bed while I slept, suck my dick, and then promptly cut it off. It was typed rather than handwritten and not actually signed by her, but I was well aware who wrote it. It had a ton of winky emojis and included a picture of a crazed looking smiling anime girl covered in blood that I’m sure she downloaded from some fan website.

So somehow she had found out where I lived, and that was frightening. A normal, rational person would have called the cops but I just deadbolted my door every night and started sleeping with a baseball bat next to my bed.

I never received any other strange note again. Never heard from Cleric, Fighter, or Wizard. I have no idea where any of those individuals are, and after the time I had, I never want to know. I’d like to stay as far away from the visible crazy lines coming off of Cleric and the people she has touched as humanly possible. In two words: I’m out.

Cleric was a wake up call and I can honestly say that after spending an evening with her I became a lot more hesitant to hook up with another woman unless I was much more certain that she was stable and okay. Yeesh.

**tl;dr I had an ill-advised hook-up with a woman from my D&D group that turned out to be a little unstable.**

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/612gdm/mf_fucking_a_chaotic_evil_cleric_wasnt_my_best