My short story.. please critique it and help me out (my first one)

The Millionaire Secretary

Laying there, covered in sweat…breathing heavily…. I can’t believe that we were together, even if it was only one night..
Ugh, working at this office has been a drag! Computer typing, paperwork, coffee day in and day out. I’m Milla by the way. I’m just your average secretary for this big wig company. I consider myself an average 28 year old plus size woman. I’m about five foot seven;230 pounds.. give or take. I’m not your average kind of lady. I have my hair half shaved and have a different color every month. My wardrobe is a little more eccentric than my working counterparts. I like wearing loud colors,tight skirts, you name it! You give me patterns and I’ll give you fashion! I got this job because my girlfriend knows the owner of the company. Yeah, I have a girlfriend but we have an unconventional relationship. We’re bisexual and don’t mind sharing partners.We met at a party over two years ago and the sparks flew. I was her first black girlfriend but color doesn’t really matter. She loves me for who I am.
Back to my day at work..

I’ve been working there for about 6 months and everyday has been boring as usual. My phone rings on this particular day and I was asked to come to my boss’ office. Mr. Grewman has ran this company for over a decade. He’s never really paid me no mind. But I have been checking him out since I started; late 30’s, six foot two, dark brown skin, dark brown eyes, just plain scrumptious!He has the smile that can light up a room. He’s muscular, about two hundred and twenty pounds solid. He has short black hair with waves and a well groomed beard. I get wet every time he walks by. I answered the phone, he asks me to come to his office.. “Yes sir?” “ Milla is it?”, he replied. He was sitting in his chair with his feet on the desk as I walk in. Apparently Versace is his favorite line of clothes because he loves wearing them. He’s wearing a maroon three piece suit with a white shirt. He’s not the type to wear a tie but today he has a maroon and brown plaid one on. He has on some expensive light brown dress shoes but I don’t care because it compliments his chocolate frame so perfectly.“Yes, how may I help you sir?” My heart is beating so fast! I hope he doesn’t hear it. I start to get really hot. Can we crack a window? Geez! He finally gets up and walks toward me and looking at this man close up in this outfit just makes me get so damn aroused. Damn! He looks so beautiful standing in front of me.He comes up to me and gets very close. I can’t breathe but he sniffs pass me and closes the door. I hear it lock“ Umm, Mr.Grewman, what’s going on?” “How long have you

worked for me?”“Um about 6 months now, Mr.Grewman.”“ Milla, I’ve been watching you for some time now and you’re doing wonderful here.” “Thank you sir.” He is standing in front of me and looking into my eyes. I want to lean in and kiss those beautiful lips. I get lost in my thoughts until feel his hand touch me. I look down and see he perfectly manicured nails and soft looking hands on my shoulder.He’s so close that I can smell his Versace cologne. “ I want your body Milla ,I need it” He has the look of nervousness and desperation. “ Uh,sir? I don’t know what to say.” “ Just say you’ll be mine tonight..” My heart is racing because I have fantasized about him using his hands all over my body and ramming his dick in me. “ O…O….Okay. But what if someone finds out?” “ Don’t worry Milla, I have everything taken care of. Just stay late after work.”
What the hell just happened? I can’t focus on the rest of my work; what does he man he will take care of it? I kept adjusting in my chair from being aroused all day. Trying to work under these conditions are next to impossible. My nipples of my 38G breast are hard and poking through my floral dress. I kick myself into reality.“I think he’s just messing with me because I’m his secretary.”, I mumble under my breath.He’s not really serious.. I think.I was about to leave when I got an email from Mr. Grewman: STAY WHERE YOU ARE! YOU’RE MINE TONIGHT!.. I sit down and act like I have work to do. He was actually

serious!! When the last person left for the weekend, I start to get nervous. My phone rings again and Mr.Grewman calls me back to his office.”Yes?”,I say nervously; “You are my date tonight, Milla. I bought this for you.” It’s a beautiful black Versace dress; but how did he know my size? I’m a size 16 and I don’t think they make dresses this beautiful in my size. I was in complete awe of the attention I was getting from him. I quickly change, check my makeup, and meet him downstairs. A beautiful limo is waiting for me. Mr. Grewman is looking absolutely handsome in his all black Versace suit with black velvet dress shoes as he escorts me to the car. He looks absolutely stunning. “Where are we going?”“It’s a surprise Milla” “Please call me Kevin.” Kevin Darrell Grewman is his name. I was feeling like a little school girl all over again.
We pull up to the most exclusive restaurant in town: Le Creme’. You have to have a reservation and the waiting list is 2 years strong! How did he pull that off? I tried to get me and Trace a reservation before they opened and the list was already full. Our waiter sat us down at the VIP table where we could be alone.Dinner was lovely; steamed lobster with vodka sauce, asparagus and parmesan mash potatoes.As I’m eating this delicious meal, I look at Kevin for the first time. Not as my boss but as a man.“Uh Kevin , why have you brought me to this beautiful restaurant?”

“ Milla,you are different than the other women who work for me. You have drive and spunk plus very attractive.” I look away hoping I don’t show that I’m blushing. He grabs my hand and tells me that he has something special in store for me. “ I can’t wait.” The ride seemed so quick because I had no clue where we were going. I was looking out of the window staring at all of the lit buildings. I was wondering where are we going.We pull up to this beautiful hotel; more expensive than any place I would go. The valet opened the door for us and escorted us to the top floor. Man, this night has been so special that I never wanted it to end. We get the end of the hall to the presidential suite. Valet opens the door and the room was absolutely gorgeous. And BIG! I sit down on the plush couch and absorb my surroundings. This room looks exactly like an apartment. A beautiful fireplace, white carpet,huge kitchen and beautiful diner set. Kevin turns to me with a seductive look. “ Yes?” “Come with me..” I follow him with no hesitation. “ Get undressed and go into the bathroom.” I do what I am asked to do. As I walk into the bathroom wrapped in a towel, I gasp at the beautiful scene in front of me; rose petals aligned the jacuzzi tub and a bottle of champagne on ice. “ All of this for me,Kevin?” “ Anything for my lady.” “Your lady ? But you barely even know me!” “ Milla, you’re my lady tonight.” The look of love beams all over his face. I get in the water expecting it to be cold but surprisingly it’s hot. I get all the way in and begin to relax and drift away to the scent of lavender. I come back to reality when I feel Kevin’s on my

shoulders. I moan from the soft touch. “ Are you ready, Milla ?” “ Ready for what?”, I ask eagerly. “ I plan to make you mine.” “. But Kevin, I have a girlfriend.” “ I don’t care ! I’m willing to share Milla. I want you but lets not worry about that tonight.”He tells me to get out of the tub. I don’t want to really because I don’t know when it will be another time to sit in one. I live in a 600 sq.ft. apartment!I get out the tub and proceed to dry off.Kevin has been watching me the whole time “ You’re absolutely beautiful, Milla.” Feeling nervous about what is about to happen next, I’m guided to this gorgeous bedroom suite. “Lay down Milla.” I nervously lay down on the king size bed. He climbs on top of me and gives me the most passionate kiss I’ve ever gotten. As our tongues intertwined, I give in to him.
His hands were playing with my clit and I give out a gasp of ecstasy. “ Are you ready?”,as he smiles down at me. “YEEEESSSS..” I didn’t know what else to say. He starts to kiss down my neck. I’m just laying there wondering how I, Milla, have gotten so lucky. This had only been a fantasy in my mind and here it is becoming a reality. His moist lips are kissing me on so softly and I’m getting so aroused I can’t think straight. He is now kissing on my breast and I let out a slow moan. I’m dripping wet now and I want to feel him inside me so badly. He begins to lick on my nipples and I can’t hold back the cry of ecstasy. I finally build the courage to touch him. I caress his head and feel the waves in his hair. He stops and

looks up at me . A wicked smile is on his face.“What’s so funny Kevin?” “ Nothing Milla. I just love seeing the faces you make.” He’s teasing me! I really don’t care, it feels so good. He stops playing with my breasts and gently lays his chocolate body on top of me. His beautiful dark brown eyes are staring at me with pure lust. He lifts my leg up and it finally happens.He slowly slides his throbbing member inside me. It felt so good that I wrap my legs around him so I could feel him go deeper inside. He starts to go in and out; I keep up with his rhythm but I get lost in the passion. He begins to lick on my breast more as he keeps up the pace. “ You feel so good.” All I do is smile and breathe hard. The next thing I know is that Kevin is going harder inside me. The feeling of pain and pleasure is overwhelming. I start to cry out from the pain but he starts to slow his pace. Then he stops. “ Kevin, why did you stop? Is everything okay?” Yes, Milla. I didn’t want to finish just yet.” Before I could answer, he is between my legs.His tongue was passionately devouring every inch of me. Sucking on the clit, tongue going in and out. His tongue is feeling so good sliding up and down my walls. I feel the orgasm building inside me. I try to back away from this gorgeous man with my vagina in his mouth. He pulls me back and aggressively says “ NO! Don’t you dare run! You belong to me tonight! Now give it here!” He goes back down licking every drop out of me. I give in to the orgasm and scream out in passion. A cum filled smile is smeared across his face as I’m trying to catch my breath. I’ve never had a man treat me the way he has. Hell, even

my girlfriend Trace never licked me like that. “I love you Milla.”
WHOA! Did he really just say that? I think it’s because it’s the heat of the moment. I don’t answer him, I pull him on top, look him in the eyes and say “ show me”. His member is harder now than when we began. All of a sudden, he goes in hard and very deep. He is so rough I can’t speak. How did he know I liked it like that?He turns me on my side and lifts one leg up. Ramming so far that his balls are touching my clit. The smell of sex fills the room. I want to stop him because I feel another orgasm coming. “Slow down, its right there.” Apparently that really gets him going because he goes so hard my screams turns to a whimpers . I can feel him throbbing; he’s almost there. “ I want you to cum with me”,he says. With my last moments of sanity, I feel my orgasm build up. He’s right there and I let out a cry. I feel him release inside me. I can’t believe this actually happened…
* phone vibrating * OMG,It’s Trace! I totally forgot about her……

Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/li1p2s/my_short_story_please_critique_it_and_help_me_out

1 comment

  1. You have potential. Definitely needs editing to make the story flow better and to be more visually appealing/readable because as it stands now you have one sentence running right into the other.

    Dialogue between two characters should be separated to better differentiate who is doing the talking. This also gives you the opportunity to put more of each characters feelings and emotions into it. Your dialogue also sound a bit mechanical and forced.

    You also have some repetition within your dialogue that is unnecessary. Eliminating some of it would really help the story along.

    The overall plot, ehhhh, could be better by making it more believable and relatable. As it stands now, it reads like a script for a porno movie where the situation between your characters is artificial and forced. You could slide in more of your girl’s feelings about how wrong it feels to be sleeping with her boss but what a thrill it is to be doing something so naughty, something like that.

    By all means, keep on writing. I would suggest making an account on Literotica where you can get instant feedback through their feedback ratings and story comments. I did it there for years before jumping into professional publishing and it helped my writing a lot.

    If you would like more help, by all means let me know, drop me a message, or what have you. I enjoy helping out new writers.

    Keep writing! ☺️

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