I should preempt, this doesn’t have any physical sex, but I think it was definitely hot.
Back in olden times when jobs existed, I was working at a restaurant. One night, I went out with two of my coworkers, whom we shall call Jay and Liza. Jay was my favorite coworker. Smart, definitely the best server on the team, funny, and down to earth. We could go on forever on politics, music, science, what have you.
Liza, on the other hand, was my least favorite. Not just my least favorite, but almost everyones’ least favorite. Stuck up, snotty, complained how she was poor when her parents covered half of her everything in life. The worst.
We were all headed out for a drink together at this dark little industry bar, and I marveled at why Jay would even invite Liza? Well, remember when I said she was *almost* everyone’s least favorite? Turns out that Jay not only was okay with her now, but, as I was to discover that night, she and him had started fucking. Do I blame him? No. She was a tiny little thing with a ridiculous hip to waist ratio and these innocent walnut-colored eyes that practically looked lacquered, the way they shone. But she was awful enough that even her body couldn’t make me overlook her pampered attitude.
It starts with me suddenly realizing, even though I suggested grabbing a drink, that I’m the third wheel. She’s sitting in a booth next to me, but they’re making goo goo eyes and all that stuff. No shame in someone getting it on, but my respect for this guy was plummeting like a rocket-propelled stone in a pond. And, at the same time, I’m getting ragged on by him as his way of flirting with her, because it’s easy to do and because she dislikes me as much as I dislike her.
Now I’m fine with derisive humor. If you can give it, you should take it. There’s a lot to make fun of about me. I’m not very tall. I’m quite vain. Hair is starting to leave my head. I’m a know-it-all. But tonight, this just got to me. He was so unlike himself. On one occasion where she went to get a drink at the bar, I asked what gives, and he, completely unlike him, just said, “don’t worry about it.” It was portentous of a future shift in our friendship where he stopped talking to anyone who disliked Liza. And so I mulled and I sipped my tea and I waited for the night to wrap up.
***Here’s where things get good…***
Our work group is pretty open talking about sex, and the topic came up somehow. As we talked dating, past relationships, future relationships, etc., the topic of sexting and dick pics came up. After making more of those glances that made one pray for the pangs of appendicitis, Liza got up to use the restroom. And I saw an opportunity. I’m not proud, but I will never regret it either.
Things to know:
1. To humble brag, I’m equipped with a pretty nice penis. Not just because it’s got a nice size, but mainly because of how almost everyone describes it: “aesthetic”. It’s proportioned between thickness, length, balls. The veins look great, the angle, the color. I’m proud of how good my dick looks, and wouldn’t trade its beauty for an extra inch.
2. I use 1 dick pic for most encounters, because it looks like legit art. If you’ve ever seen Velasquez, that’s the kind of look. Lots of red, shadow play, contrast, etc. It’s a beautiful dick set in a beautiful photo. If r/AccidentalRenaissance had a nsfw section, that’s where it’d be.
So while she’s in the bathroom, I decide to tell Jay about my own dick pic I use for sexting, and I talked it up oh so very much. But nothing about the dick itself. All about how aesthetic the picture looked. He chuckled and said his “sure, okay”s. And when Liza came back and scooched in next to me, she squeaked in her little cali voice, “What’s so funny?”
*Come on, take the bait…*
“Oh, nothing”
“No telllll meeeeeeeeee!”
*Come on, come on…!*
“Well…”
*Got him!*
“Cantankerous says that he has just an insanely artistic dick pic.” A slightly mocking tone accompanied.
“Oh come on, what?”
*Bring it home, girl. You can do it.*
She rolled her eyes in my direction. “All right then, prove it!”
***Jackpot.***
I feined a demure reluctance. “What? You want to see it? Oh, I don’t know about that.” But she insisted, and so, I reluctantly obliged, pulling up the photo on my phone, and handing it to her with a “1…2…3!”
The reaction was one I’ve only dreamed of. A multi-course “Omgbecky”, and we shall look at it, course by course:
Amuse Bouche: Her self-satisfied smile before looking, expecting to see some sad little organ.
Soup: Those beautiful eyes widen with a disbelief.
Salad: “Oh god.” rushes out from her. I say rush because she couldn’t hold it back.
Appetizer: Jay jolting to the words from Liza, his own eyes widening.
Fish: “No way that that’s you” she says, looking back and forth between me and my dick, perfectly illuminated on screen so there’s no escape.
Main: Nervous laughter from Jay as his secret lover is marveling at his coworker
Palate Cleanser: She laughs at me and says its not true, looking into my eyes expecting me to break and admit it. I don’t. Just silence, as I stare into her eyes, reflecting nothing but the truth.
Dessert: “Jesus, that’s so fucking big! Seriously?!?” Damn. Didn’t expect that intense of a reaction.
Cheese Board: Jay tries to give me props while tending to his ego, and as she goes to show him, I grab her hand. “Oh no. I don’t wanna show him.” Most difficult lie of my life. But his guessing as to what she saw was even better.
Finally, a complimentary Digestif: As I pulled the phone back, the screen dimmed. And she immediately touched it to light it back up. Needed one final look, and let out a “…wow”.
I am not a vindictive person, and pride myself on my humility and honor in the superficial city that I live in. And I truly do not care to make people feel embarrassed or humiliated. Nothing, though, nothing felt better than that. The snotty brat who thought so little of me, presented with an incredible cock, while the guy who was mimicking her worst qualities just to get in her pants, suddenly unsure of what his little friend had swinging between his legs. It’s the most poisonous aphrodisiac, and I’m happy to put it toward anyone else but her.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/jy1kks/i_m_got_back_at_some_people_for_third_wheeling_me
Bravissimo buddy