I tried to “naked man” my friend and he did not get it [FM]

*I needed a light story. Note this is strictly humorous. Please refer to my profile if you need more spice.*

Oh sweet bestie.

I love him so much it took me quite a while to post this story. It must be told though.

My dear friend when I was in my mid 20s was a virgin in his early 30s. This wasn’t a fact he was particularly ashamed of because I think he understood that he was very attractive, and had also just graduated med school. He told me he had had plenty of opportunities in college but nothing “felt right.” Plus, he had spent most of his time in undergrad studying.

I don’t know if there’s a cultural undertone I’m missing, but he was also Irish if that matters. He was from a town of thirty people and explained he was so afraid of town drama that he never dated anyone growing up. He was a bit shy and had a fear of hurting people.

When I met him, he had been in the U.S. for about a decade, but still had an adorable Irish accent. He was in a horrible relationship with a woman who was very much against premarital sex. She was also emotionally abusive, but they had dated for years and he couldn’t seem to let go. She once snapped at him in front of everyone that he was “the stupidest doctor” she had ever met. She also regularly yelled at him, and told him he was “pathetic” on several occasions.

*This all happened in front of us so I am terrified what happened behind closed doors.*

The first time I met him, I actually tried to hook up with him, even though I knew he was in a relationship (*a dick move on my end, but I had also just watched this bitch tear him down for 40 minutes straight*). He kindly turned me down, but was visibly flattered. I smiled and asked if he wanted to be “best friends” then, and he agreed. We weren’t the closest of close, but he was solidly in my friend group and I saw him most weekends.

The thing is, he wasn’t very religious or insecure. He was socially very well-adjusted and women really did like him. After he finally dumped his girlfriend, I watched girls throw themselves at him, but he always shrugged them off.

*I did get the feeling that he wasn’t always aware he was being hit on, but it’s a fine-line between disinterest and oblivion.*

I undeniably had mad respect for him. He was brilliant, sweet, and respectful of everyone. He had a way of bridging political gaps and was genuinely interesting. I didn’t have a huge crush, but there was something there and I suspected he felt it too. Still, I just worried about him in his post-breakup funk so I never made a move.

Our most sexual moment before this story oddly came when I had unprotected sex with a girl and flipped out. I never fucked anyone without an STD test first, and even then usually still used protection until we had some kind of exclusive agreement.

“I’m going to to die,” I told him when we got brunch the next day. “I’m going to get pregnant and die.”

“Well medically speaking, you have an IUD so that’s not likely, and the chances of contracting a life-threatening disease from another woman is actually quite lower than it’d be with a male partner. Of course you should get tested, but those are statistics.”

“It was a mean girls quote!” I started laughing. “She’s been with two other people. I’m probably fine.”

He burst out laughing too. “I’m so sorry! I think I went into doctor mode because I was trying not to picture you with another woman out of respect.”

“…You can picture it if you want.”

He blushed. “You’re very cute, V. You always make me smile.”

This story has a cute “hero” twist. I got hit on one night when I was out with him, and the creepy dude who approached me did not take my rejection kindly. I believe he called me a “sad slut.”

*For the record, I’m a very happy slut.*

My friend got angry and yelled, “Hey! This is my friend and she’s a wonderful person who is not a slut!”

*Actual quote.*

I laughed until creepy dude tried to punch him. I somehow managed to pull my friend out of the bar before a fight ensued. When we got outside he tried to kiss me but I turned away.

“Is this payback because I didn’t have sex with you the first time we met?” He asked, half joking.

“No… I just… my heart is pounding,” I answered sincerely.

He checked my pulse and noted it was fast. “You’re having an adrenaline rush.”

“Think of it as foreplay.”

*I’m not sure he knew what that meant… Bless his sweet soul.*

“I can walk you home,” he offered.

“…Or you could sleepover.”

He liked that idea.

So at that point, I just assumed we were hooking up that night and was waiting for him to make a move. However, because I had already turned him down in my state of panic, he was understandably hesitant. So in my head I decided I’d make a very bold gesture to make my intentions 100% clear.

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” he said when we got to my place.

“Don’t be silly. We can both sleep in my bed. There’s plenty of room for cuddling and other activities,” I laughed and winked.

He stared at me blankly…

“What’s your nighttime routine?” He asked innocently. “Do you need me to leave your room?”

“I usually take a shower,” I announced.

“Sounds good,” he shrugged.

“Cool,” I smiled as I started undressing.

His jaw dropped as I pulled my dress over my head and threw to the side. I took my bra off and dropped it to the floor before I pulled my underwear down. I smiled at him as his eyes grew huge.

*There is not misinterpreting this gesture right?*

“You coming?” I asked as I turned toward my bathroom.

“Sure…”

He followed me down the hall and I smiled at the thought of him staring at my ass.

*Oh to have the pathological confidence of young Viola.*

When we got into the bathroom, he commented on the vast amount of shampoos I had and looked around a little nervously.

I got in and started showering myself in a way that I thought was sexy. I lathered my body up and ran my hands up an down. He stared for a moment before I asked if he wanted to join. Like a deer in the headlights, he blinked twice but then undressed and joined me.

It was the most awkward shower of my life.

I’m not sure if this dude actually knows what I look like naked, because I’m fairly certain he never broke eye contact. He very respectfully asked me to pass the shampoo and inquired about the bar exam.

I hesitated for a moment and then answered like we were having a normal conversation… And suddenly it was indeed just that.

We could have been out for drinks or on a walk. We just chatted like normal about world politics and theology. He told me about med school, and I joked about my law school professors. At one point he made me laugh and I leaned forward and put my arm on his shoulder. He halfway glanced down at my chest and then met my eyes again immediately before he continued to ask me questions about Ethiopian politics.

“Are you done?” He asked with incredible sincerity.

“Oh yeah,” I answered, suddenly aware that I had just completed my normal shower routine.

He reached around to turn the water off, very careful not to touch me in the process. He stepped out and threw me a towel. We dried off and then went back to my room as if everything was normal with towels wrapped around us.

“Do you want me to leave while you get dressed?” He asked.

I stared at him absolutely dumbfounded. “Dude, we just showered together.”

“Fair point,” he laughed as he started pulling on his boxers.

And thus, whatever sexual tension we had, was quickly sucked out of the room. We resumed our conversation as normal though, which was pretty disarming.

He slept in my bed that night and we didn’t touch each other. I woke up the next morning, slightly dazed and embarrassed. He asked if I wanted to get breakfast and we got bagels as if everything was normal.

I just assumed I had made a HUGE miscalculation. Clearly this man was not into me, and my confidence was misplaced. He was surely just a nice guy, and I confused his polite Irish demeanor for flirting.

Right? Wrong.

Two days later I went to lunch with our mutual friend. She paused about ten minutes into our conversation. “I need you to settle something for me,” she laughed.

“What’s that?”

“You cannot be mad that he told me, ok? But were you hitting on [our mutual friend] the other night?”

I blinked at her. “What?”

“He said you randomly got naked and y’all showered together. Were you trying to hook up with him or not?”

“Is that a serious question? Obviously. He rejected me.”

She burst out laughing. “Oh my god, V! No he didn’t! He thought you just needed to shower, and assumed you wanted company. I told him you were clearly hitting on him and he didn’t believe me.”

I stared at her. “He thought I got naked, invited him to do so as well, and invited him to sleep in my bed as *friends*?”

“He said he was afraid to make a move. This is great news though, right? You’re both great people, he’s very into you, and you’re into him. You two should date.”

We didn’t date. It’s hard to come back from that. I think there’s some law of attraction that if you see each other naked and don’t fuck, you’ve immediately friendzoned each other.

He didn’t stay a virgin if you’re wondering. He fucked two of my friends fairly shortly after this and was apparently great in bed.

As for us? We had chances to hook up again, but we never took them. We talked about the night we spent together in a joking manner, and agreed it was a good thing nothing happened.

We once got drunk and a mutual friend of ours asked why we never dated. We told him the story and giggled our way through the entire retelling.

“She looks great naked, by the way,” he laughed.

“And he has a very large penis,” I replied as I high-fived him.

“In the end, I think we just became better friends.”

We did sincerely love each other though. We got really close after that, and he was sweetly protective of me. I don’t think I’ve ever said a bad thing about him that man.

And yes, even though I occasionally think about what could have been, I’m glad we never hooked up.

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/12codum/i_tried_to_naked_man_my_friend_and_he_did_not_get