I honestly don’t know why I’m sharing this as I haven’t told really anyone about this but I felt compelled to… So, why not?
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I didn’t think human pheromones were a real thing in my early twenties until I met her. Let’s just call her Deena to keep things anonymous. Deena was a 5 foot even girl I met off of Facebook back when that was the primary social media service for people in high school and early college. We had mutual friends and after talking for a while we decided to meet up and hang out for the night. A little background; I had just broke off of a three month relationship to someone I lost my virginity to–I was 20 at the time after having been cheated on. I had just opened my mind to the joys of what sex is and how much I loved it, obviously, in an experimenting age and time I wanted to experience more of it. In fact, I’d say it intoxicated me to a degree. Something about sex felt safe and simultaneously vulnerable in ways that I never had as a child (not the sex, the vulnerability and the safety), so I was addicted and extremely attracted to Deena from the get go.
In retrospect I should have seen the warning signs–the fact that she had her ex and some friends tailing around with us. The fact that she gave those indifferent looks that narcissists give when dealing with people that they don’t take seriously. No matter, it’s not like I’d probably have done anything different even with the knowledge, but even still, the night was just running around giving passive signs whenever we could that we both wanted to fuck one another. I still felt uncomfortable with her ex just leering over at me. Why was he following her like this? I still don’t really know, but I have an idea.
The second time we hung out it was at a friends shared college home. We had been drinking all night and my friend was on mushrooms with a few others. It was kind of a weird night but at one point Deena and I snuck to the top floor of a room that was completely empty ready for a new roommate that was coming in next week. When we went in and closed the door we were immediately all over each other. Her clothes flew off and my clothes flew off on an empty floor. Then it just hit me; her smell. I can’t really describe what it was really just what it felt like; madness. You may think I’m dramatizing when I say this but I really don’t know how else to describe it. Before I had met Deena I was attracted to her and really wanted to experience that feeling I had longed for again. After we were on each other naked and her smell started to seep into me I was crazed by something within her that drove alert. I immediately was harder than I had ever been with my ex. It was the kind of hard that seeped into my legs and my chest. The back of my neck had hairs raised. My mouth salivated. My eyes honed in on every inch of her like she was pulling me in. It kind of scared me really. I had never known this kind of desire could exist. It transcended logic. Every part of me wished to just drive myself into her into the morning. Every nerve on my body tingled in waves. Every sound she made heightened to a song. She and I came multiple times that night, something again, that I had never experienced before with anyone. We didn’t stay there all night however because I made the case that disappearing while you are with friends who are on mushrooms would be weird. I tried to compose myself and went downstairs.
Fast forward meeting again and again. Each time she gets close to me and I smell her I immediately feel myself back there again; my pants too tight to be comfortable, my senses too wild to walk normally. This goes on for weeks and weeks. At some point I had convinced myself we were a couple–maybe I was naive–I felt completely swept by her. It wasn’t even like I really knew her really and her indifference seemed to make me more compelled by her. When we are apart I buy her things. When we are together I just want lick every inch of her body.
Side note; Deena lives about an hour away from where I do. I live in a city, she lives in a town I grew up in. This is important because we often go days without seeing each other. Never more than three or four but time none the less. Some times I’ll invite her to go downtown with me or to shows. One time I’m waiting for her at a club I invited her to come to. I’m there waiting all night. She doesn’t show up till two in the morning when the club is closing down. When I get in her car with her she is unkempt like she had just rolled down a hill. I start to feel a similar feeling to what I had experienced with my ex but her smell keeps drawing me back in. I ignore it. She can see I’m distant from her. She grabs my hand and puts it down her skirt. I feel dirty but I cant help it. I’m drawn in. We have sex again in the car.
The warning signs continue, the lies and the weird behavior. I can’t help it though. I’ve never been this compelled by anyone. I lose control when I’m around her. I shudder. I crumble. I’m weak, but also not. Sometimes she doesn’t text me back for a few days. Sometimes she won’t stop. Sometimes she’ll tell me she’s at a party in their hometown and then just stop talking to me for the rest of the night (Which I get, but at this point I have no trust). At some point her best friends and I and Deena drive to a store together to get some things. Her friend and I decide to wait in the car because Deena said she with be fast. Her friend tells me, “Cludista, you are a really nice guy and all so I feel like I should tell you. She’s been sleeping with a ton of other people when you aren’t around.” I know she isn’t lying buy it still hurts to hear. I say, “How many do you think?” She says, “Well when there is a party to go to we go and she pretty much disappears with a guy every time.” For some reason this breaks me. The indifference to her behavior. The complete lack of value she sees in me. It felt so cruel. I realized in that moment she was like an opiate to me. She was killing me and had been for some time. I felt so crazy and yet I couldn’t bring myself to see who she was. I realized that I would keep going back to another hit if she asked me. I realized the ex’s tagging along probably felt the same way.
That night after we split up again I decided to stop talking to her and block her from everything. I had been in the process of moving so I was away from any place she could find me as well. Eventually, five years later, after I had moved across the country to fulfill my dreams I had found a shirt of hers that had somehow come with me in the travels. I felt weird doing this but I decided to smell it. I was instantly transfixed. I felt “it” again. I felt like if she asked me that moment to come back I would have and gone nowhere forever.
I threw away the shirt.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/11enftw/the_devils_scent_mf