(This is a very silly bit of nonsense, and nobody really gets what they wants.)
—————————-
– oh my fucking god can we STOP WALKING already???
-look, I just want to keep going until it stops smelling like shit.
– it’s the woods. It always smells like shit! That’s all they do out here, shit and like.. eat each other.
– super sexy babe. Definitely getting me in the mood. But also, it like REALLY smells. Did you check your shoes?? Are you sure you didn’t step in something?
– yes I’m sure. Just like the last five times you asked me if I had checked my shoes for shit. Look, this is a nice spot, let’s stop here.
– ok fine. Did you bring the blanket?
-what blanket?
– you said you wanted to try banging outside and you didn’t bring a blanket?
-why would I bring a blanket on a HIKE? It’s hot as fuck, I don’t wanna carry a blanket.
-so we could lie on it!
– we can just sit on the ground!
– AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, THE GROUND IS COVERED IN SHIT.
– look, I’m sorry. Ok? We’ll figure it out. C’mere…
….(making out noises)
…..
– Gross I am not putting my back on that tree. What if that moss is like.. OH MY GOD A BUG TRIED TO FLY INTO MY EAR. IT JUMPED OFF THE TREE AND FLEW INTO MY EAR
– Its ok! You’re ok! Look, I’ll lean against the tree ok? And now you can lean against me, yeah just like that. See? Now I can wrap my arms around you and keep you safe and still kiss you.
– I can’t believe you’ve managed to get hard given we’re making out against a tree.
– what can I say? You’re just so alluring.
…. (More makeouts)
…..(zippers are unzipped and body parts are exposed.)
– that’s it baby, keep using your hand like that. You gotta take your pants off all the way.
– I can’t, they won’t fit over my boots and I don’t wanna take my boots off.
-but then I
-hold on
-this isn’t working
– ok turn around and bend over. Ah! Yes. Yeah I’m ok, I just scratched my butt on this tree. Ok just.. don’t move.. Yeah like that. Aww fuck yeah. Keep doing that. Oh my god babe look, those deer are totally watching us fuck.
– WHAT? Oh my god deer! They’re so cute… ah! Don’t pinch my nipple so hard. Oh but don’t stop either. Ah! Ah ah… yes. Fuck yes. Ah… baby? what’s wrong?
-I’m sorry, it’s just weird that they’re watching.
– what? Just look away! Look at my butt.
– I’m trying to look at your butt but I keep feeling them looking at me.
– they don’t care!
– that’s what’s making it weird. They’re just like, watching, but they aren’t freaked out. We might as well be birds
-do birds fuck?
-what?
-oh my god never mind. Can we go home now?
(A long uncomfortable silence)
– I think a mosquito bit my balls.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/10fmt1l/why_hiking_is_the_fucking_worst_m25f25_tamesilly