The Story Of How I Pissed Myself On A First Date and Got Lucky Anyways [MF]

So this is going to be a bit different from my normal posts as the sex isn’t really central to the story. I mean it is a story about sex but I’ve shared various versions of this story with plenty of friends / other dates without the sex part. This is first and foremost a funny story that happened to me a while back and am finally typing it out because it’s a goddamn good story. I am going to be graphic about pissing myself because that’s part of the humor in my mind but if you tryna get off let this be a warning that you should read another story. Come read this one after, you won’t regret it, but I’d say it’s prudent to finish up somewhere else.

So this all started when I was out to dinner with a friend. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and noticed a woman sitting a couple tables away that I saw and thought “Damn she’s cute”. Dinner continues but as we’re finishing up my friend leaves to go to the bathroom and I think to myself that I’m going to try something I’ve never done before. I quickly decide to rip off a part of my receipt and write my number on it.

I walk up to her table where she is sitting with two female friends. They sort of go quiet and look at me as I approach. At this point I am entirely regretting this decision to do this and I literally feel sick. My stomach feels like it’s floating and detached from my body. I manage to stammer out a “Hey I saw you as I was walking by and thought you were cute; if you wanna get coffee sometime here’s my number.” that I can only hope came out as cute because it certainly wasn’t confident. I look her in the eye, smile then turn away to sit down at my table. My friend soon comes back and we head out. I mention nothing to him because I’m pretty fucking embarrassed to be honest and my stomach is still dancing around with anxiety.

I didn’t hear from her that night or the next day and I thought that that was that. Interesting experiment and while it’s probably good to know that it’s something I can do it’s also probably not something that I think I’ll do again.

A week later though I got a text from an unknown number. It’s her! Apparently she went away for a week around the holidays (this was around NYE) and messaged me when she got back. We exchange greetings and also introduce ourselves, as we didn’t actually know each other’s names, before I invite her out to coffee which she happily accepts.

We meet up and the date goes pretty well! We talk about me coming up to her at dinner and just sort of talk about how I had never done anything like that before and she hadn’t really had anything like that happen to her. Apparently after I walked away a couple at the table next to them asked, “Did he really just walk over and give you his number?” and after she affirmed it they were apparently impressed. What can I say I guess I’m just a big dick baller (editor’s note: he’s not).

I won’t say that the date overall was intensely sexual or anything but we had a good time and were into each other. After talking for about an hour I ask if she wants to grab dinner somewhere which she agrees to! I ask if she’d like a ride and we hop in to head over. I smoothly get a quick smooch in the car after parking and we head in.

OK so this is where the other humorous part of the story happens. To set the scene this is a smaller restaurant where there is a door that leads out to a hallway (almost a lobby, it was the ground floor of an apartment building as well but no one came through that area to get to apartments) that leads to the one bathroom for the restaurant. The door to the hallway in the restaurant has the bathroom key.

Sometime after we order but before food comes something that has never happened in my life before or since happened to me – I suddenly needed to pee and I needed to pee REALLY FUCKING BADLY. I have absolutely 0 clue how or why this happened this way… but it did. I remember very suddenly excusing myself from the conversation and interrupting my date mid sentence. I saw that the bathroom was occupied as the key was taken but I needed to pee so badly that I wanted to wait outside the bathroom.

Well, after waiting there for less than a minute, it happens. I can’t hold it in anymore and pee starts coming out. I immediately feel some relief as it really was taking all my energy to hold it in before the horror of what has happened really sets in as I feel the stream down my leg. I manage to cut myself off from doing anymore damage after a couple seconds of peeing and wait around in my now slightly soggy jeans. I’m horrified. This is literally a nightmare scenario on par with “showed up to class with no clothes on”. Like I’m pretty sure I had had a nightmare where I peed myself on a first date lol.

Eventually the current bathroom occupier finally opens the door after a couple more minutes and I rush in. I do notice that they don’t immediately give me a look that says, “I know you just pissed yourself you fuck” so I feel a flicker of hope. First things first though – time to finish what I had started in the hallway and I let it out where I should have in the first place. I somehow still had a good minute of peeing in me.

After finishing up with the most pressing matters and rinsing the parts of my leg that had the pee-trail on them I assess the final damage on the pants. Luckily enough, I was wearing a darker stain of jeans that naturally blended the pee stains. Holy shit I can’t believe it! I rinse a bit of the stains and try to even it out on the other leg / thigh area so it looks like the stain of the pants as opposed to the stain of my penis. One last glance in the mirror and I think, “Alright, you got this” and I head back out.

I sit down and pretend nothing happened. I apologize for rudely interrupting her before. The rest of our date continues and, surprisingly, goes really well! We wrap up and I drive us back to her car where we have a bit of a longer kiss with a tasteful amount of tongue before she gets out with a promise to be in touch.

At this point my adrenaline is pumping. I cannot believe that I pulled this off and the combination of asking her out this way and literally pissing myself on the date… I don’t think I can accurately describe the combination of anxiety and elation in my stomach. Anyways I decide to go hang out with some friends after because I need some weed in me stat to calm me down and I also wanted to tell my friend about the date and how I asked her out as they knew nothing.

So I get to my friend’s house (and yes, for those of you keeping score at home, I did not change my pants – if they’re good enough for a date they’re good enough for my friends) and I let them know about the date. Not just how it went but I also shared the story of asking her out as I was too embarrassed to talk about it previously. They were impressed with me, which is nice, and I finally felt myself calming down. As I reach that point though, I get a text.

“Hey I really enjoyed our date – do you think I can come over and we could maybe watch a movie later tonight?”

So, of course, I immediately tell my friends the text I got and they are excited for me! I’m excited too! I’m no Casanova but I can read between the lines every now and then. After a quick round of pep talks from them I say my goodbyes and head back out to my apartment. I make sure to shower finally and get into a change of clothes.

Now, as this is a funny story, I should mention another funny blunder I made. I figured that she probably wanted to fuck but even if she didn’t I was down to hang out some more and maybe make out a bit or something. I’m not great with uncertainty and, well, I also didn’t have condoms, so I figured I’d two birds one stone and sent one of my most glorious texts:

“Hey uh just so you know if you’re trying to have sex tonight I don’t have any condoms so if you want to if you could bring some that would be great. I’m completely down to hang either way though.”

Oh man I’m not sure what I was thinking. I mean, first off, how fucking embarrassing would it be if she bought the wrong size condom. Also who the fuck even sends a message like that. I’m a pretty “cards on the table” person in general but even looking back I can’t help but cringe at myself a bit.

Anyways, like an actually sane person, she doesn’t respond to that text. As we near the time she said she’d be over by I decided to call her up and clear the air. Luckily she found it a bit funny! She just didn’t know how to respond so I just say to forget I said anything and I’d see her in a bit.

I make a point to not say anything about my texting etiquette (or lack thereof) and we have a nice post-date movie. We get through the whole movie and we decide to head to my room where we get a bit frisky. She mentions that she did bring condoms! But that they were past expired so it might not be a good idea still. I’m fine with that so we keep touching each other and making out in bed for at least an hour before she eventually says, “…do you want to try anyways?” and of course I’m like fuck yea!

Once we really get going the sex is good. I don’t have too much to say as I’m not really someone who has that sort of instant sexual connection that I think others experience in these stories. I found the best sex I’ve had to be after I’ve known someone a bit so I feel that is represented in my recollection. We fucked in missionary gently and then went a bit harder in doggy until I came. I loved her in doggy as she had an amazing ass (if you’ve read my other stories you’ll notice a trend in the women I’m interested in…) – seriously she was built like a fertility goddess and I loved it. After that I went down on her until she came and we basked in the post-coital glow. I reflected on what led me there to her arms and I found the story so unbelievable but there I was.

(Epilogue)

First off I apologize for the length. This ended up much longer than I thought it would and I’ve gone back to edit multiple dalliances out. Part of what makes the story funny though, at least to me, is the random asides so there’s a lot of them still.

We had a couple more rendezvous before we stopped seeing each other. We were just at different places in our lives. There’s a lot of info I left out but it was one of those right person, wrong time moments and I started dating my now-gf not long after.

I got brunch with the boys the next morning and told them the full story. Not just the getting laid part but also how I pissed myself on our date and played it off. They fucking loved it and I told that story to my whole friend group eventually. Honestly for the next week I would just ask friends, “Hey you wanna hear a story about me pissing myself on a first date?”

So since this story is pretty unique there’s a decent chance someone will know me by the story. If one of my friends or first dates recognize me from the story though – what’s up you fucking perv feel free to hit me up.

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/x8hstq/the_story_of_how_i_pissed_myself_on_a_first_date