Stay at my side Ch. 21 [M/F] [Friends to lovers] [Panic attack] [comforting] [sharing a bathroom]

Chapter 21: Don’t peek

Math. The hate I felt for this subject was maybe even bigger than the love I felt for Matt. I was somehow able to force the information about everything into my brain but I simply couldn’t use it. I could tell someone the definition of PI but using this information was a different story.

I sat in my best friend’s chair while he stood behind me. The words he said to me sounded like a magic spell. He tried to explain this topic to me for now nearly an hour and I could hear that even he got annoyed by it. Both of us were exhausted. It was my fault. They say, that couples should complete each other. Problem was, that Matt couldn’t be completed, he was basically perfect. Smart, good-looking, sporty, nice, and capable of handling all his problems by himself. I only slowed him down. I’ve always known that I didn’t deserve him and was a burden but now I realized how right I was with this.

The formulas I’ve written in my exercise book were nothing but a blurry blue mess for me. They came closer and, before I realized what was happening, my forehead hit his desk. I didn’t even feel it. Matt said something but it felt like I was deaf. I knew I should fight against this, but I couldn’t. I closed my eyes and almost instantly blacked out.

–

From this point on were my memories a bit blurry. I remembered waking up on his chair and how I stumbled to the bathroom. Now I laid with the side of my face on the side of the toilet seat. My vision was still blurry but I faced the lid anyway so there wasn’t much to see. I felt Matt’s hand stroking my back. “Matt?” I didn’t have to say something. I just wanted to hear his voice. “Oh thank God, you’re back. You blacked out for a moment and threw up after that. Luckily, you made it to the bathroom in time.”

My memories got clearer. I remembered everything and realized that I probably had something like a panic attack. I knew why and now straight up asked Matt the question I couldn’t answer for myself: “Why do you love me?” I somehow knew that Matt already had the answer to this question because he never did anything without a reason. Not even falling in love. “You’re always there for me. I feel safe with you.” He said this totally seriously. I just had to believe him, even though this sounded totally absurd to me. I didn’t understand how he could feel safe with me. I could never protect him, probably not even comfort him properly.

“You should probably rinse your mouth.” Matt handed me a glass filled with water. I stuttered a “Thank you.” and took the glass with shaking hands. As I guided it towards my mouth I noticed the sour taste of vomit in my mouth and hurried to rinse it out. I almost emptied the whole glass but eventually got rid of the taste. Matt took the glass out of my hand and slightly pulled me back. I was so weak at this point that I just let myself fall against him. He carefully laid his arms around me. It felt even warmer than usual.

“Did you have something like this before?” “No.” It felt bad giving him such a short answer but I didn’t have more power. I was at my limit. Emotionally and physically. I was totally exhausted and now noticed how sweaty I was. My hair was a mess and I was shaking. I just wanted to sleep but I was way too dirty to sleep in Matt’s bed. There was only one real option, but I doubted that I was strong enough to do it alone and I was scared to be alone again.

“Would it be okay if I took a shower?” This was the easy part. He wouldn’t have anything against it and I was right. “Of course. Maybe not close the door in case you have another breakdown. I won’t peek.” Now came the hard part. I took a deep breath and turned my head around. “I’d rather have you stay here. If it’s okay for you.” He looked pretty surprised. “Well, it won’t be weird, you already changed behind me and this isn’t much different.” He stood up and walked over to the door. There he sat down again, facing away from me.

I also stood up but leaned against the wall with one hand to not fall again. I slowly pulled down my shorts and panties. Carefully I removed my hand from the wall and slipped out of Matt’s shirt. I was now totally naked.

It was rather cold in the bathroom and I shivered once, before entering the shower. I turned on the shower and set the temperature to maximum.

It hurt. It was a simple physical pain. Too hot. The solution was easy: lower the temperature or step out of the shower.

It almost felt good to have something so simple for once. Even though it hurt I kept standing there without changing the temperature. Being in pain because of something that I could easily change was way better than the pain that was caused because of something I could just accept and adapt to it.

The distraction didn’t last for long because I adapted to the temperature. My skin was pink, almost red. I looked over to my other source of comfort, who was still facing the opposite way. I wished I could hug him but this wouldn’t be good if he wanted to stay dry.

Realizing that I wouldn’t even care about being naked while doing this, almost made me laugh. I would hurry and then hug him when I was dry. Not even put something on. I just wanted to be close to him. Luckily his mom had the same shampoo as me and I tried to use as little as possible.

I closed my eyes while massaging it into my hair. It almost felt like Matt was stroking my head again. I changed to soap and began with my feet. Still imagining that he was touching me, I wandered up to my thighs and stopped there for a moment. Slowly my right hand moved into my center and I felt this feeling I’ve gotten before while we were kissing. I noticed how the area down there got a little slippery and this was the moment I knew what I wanted.

I wasn’t scared anymore of this feeling. I just never did something like this and didn’t know where to start. Well even if I knew, I couldn’t masturbate in his shower while he was in the room and the first time should always be special right? Didn’t matter which first time.

I hurried with the rest of the shower and wrapped myself into a bathrobe Matt offered me as soon as he heard me step out of the shower. As soon as the fabric was wrapped around me I kneeled behind him and pulled him into a deep and loving hug. This day may have started shitty but I knew he would find a way to make it awesome again. For me, in this position, it somehow was almost awesome already.

Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/w5nlse/stay_at_my_side_ch_21_mf_friends_to_lovers_panic