It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Finding myself in tears at some point in the day and drinking coffee the next. Keeping myself busy with work, hangouts, and errands to keep my mind off of it.
Surprisingly enough, I have not turned to any of my vices. If it were me this time last year, I would have been drowning in alcohol or getting under different men by now. That feeling of instant gratification would consume me to trick myself into thinking that everything is fine.
But I guess I’ve changed. For the better. No ounce of alcohol or touch of a man can make the pain any less than it is now. I have no taste for it.
Somewhere in the middle of the year, I’ve become happier with where I was. And that changed my perspective of things and my habits.
Which is great, I presume. I’ve been waiting for the day when I face my emotions and devils as it is without the need for alcohol or pleasure. It’s healthy, I guess, to just let it be.
If it were me in the past, I would be holding a glass of whatever I find in my fridge – a bottle of soju, a can of strong zero, a glass of white wine, or a serving of whiskey.
I’d down it as so and feel the alcohol kicking in just to get myself that little ounce of courage needed to find someone down for fun.
Reddit was my go-to as I found it fast and easy to hit someone up through a popular subreddit. I’d scroll through and reply to those I find interesting. That perfect balance between flirty and respectable. Or another way to put it, DTF with manners.
Once I find someone, I’d offer to meet as soon as possible, so as not to regret my decisions later on. Usually, it would be the next day. Another perfect balance between craving that instant gratification and not regretting my choices.
The shortest time I’ve met someone from reddit was within the night. Nothing rated 18+ happened, though. We were both just chilling in the car from midnight till morning, drinking coffee, and sharing stories back and forth. That was nice, and I ticked off something from my bucket list.
I’d meet the guy the next day, and we’d both agree to a motel. Convenience at its best, just a few hours for some fun before we both have to make some excuse to leave.
We’d reach the room and lie on the bed first. I’m not one who would usually get down to business once I enter the room. Making small talk with the guy puts me at ease and kind of humanizes things for me.
Though I would like to experience getting in a room with a guy and just going at it. Of course, when the sexual tension and chemistry is apparent, and both of us can’t hold back anymore. Making out from door to bed, just trying to feel each other up as much as we can. *Sigh,* anyway, back to the topic at hand.
I’d let the guy make the first move, but of course, I’d reciprocate with as much enthusiasm. I love it when a guy knows how to slowly break the kiss, only to start kissing my neck and down to my chest.
I’d take off my shirt and bra for him to feel my already hard nipples. He’d take it in his mouth – sucking, licking, flicking – while doing the same with his fingers to the other. I’d moan, feeling that hit of pleasure and wanting more to happen.
Most guys would take off my panties and start feeling my pussy, wet from all the kissing and nipple play. They’d go down on me and eat my pussy out – my favourite.
He’d lick and flick my clit with his tongue as his fingers would slowly enter me, and I can feel the sensation building up. I’d moan louder, trying to grab the sheets or cover my mouth from all the pleasure I’m receiving.
I love a guy who knows how to finger and eat me out long enough until I feel like giving back as much as he has. I’d get on top of him and start kissing him, tasting myself in his mouth.
I’d slowly kiss down to his boxers and take them off, admiring his hard cock right in front of me. I love giving blowjobs first; I’d take his whole cock in my mouth and start sucking him as my hands start playing with his balls.
From here, I start enjoying pleasuring the guy in any way that I can – licking his balls to his shaft up to its head, sucking his whole cock and trying my best to deepthroat him, my hands playing with his shaft as my tongue swirls around his sensitive head.
By the time we’re both pleasured from satisfying each other, I’d let him put it in me and fuck me in any way he wants.
I’ve had guys ask me to ride them, sit on their face, fuck on a sex chair, lie on my back, do doggy while facing the mirror, fuck only in one position or fuck in several, do 69, blindfold me, facefuck me as I kneel for them, and sometimes permit them to finger my ass – only when I’m incredibly turned on and lost in the pleasure.
After rounds and rounds of sex with small talk in between, we’d separately clean up and dress up. I don’t expect aftercare since having low expectations is how I usually go about meetups. But when a guy I genuinely like does aftercare, I’m never one to say no.
After leaving the room, we’d go our separate ways. Meeting for a second time would depend on many factors – if we both enjoyed the session, if our schedules match up, and if we talk about our setup for safety reasons.
Rarely would the guy ask for a coffee moment after, which I don’t mind. But honestly, if we both thoroughly enjoyed our time together, I’m always down for a cup of coffee. It’s only happened to me once, and a guard had to break the moment as I parked on the side of an empty road as we drank coffee while sharing stories.
When the night time comes, and I try to sleep, the feeling of instant gratification slowly dissipates, and I’m left with my own emotions. A tinge of loneliness and sometimes regret sinks in, and I’m left thinking with my thoughts again.
The cycle repeats itself. A cycle of vices wherein I wondered when it would ever stop. Well, that time is this year. This moment.
I won’t drink the pain and sadness away, or even fuck it out. I’ll just let it be, until I’m ready to start over again.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/w3pwda/fm_the_past